Ah, the migraine made me do it

The migraines, which are more sudden but not as long lasting since the daily arthotec dosage, have been messing with my head. I get these ideas to do things in the middle of the night, that seem rather odd in the morning. And I have been quite befuddled in the morning, because due to my random activities, have not been sleeping. So befuddled, confused, drunk looking, stumbling and not seeing very well.

It had been a bad few days with the whole not smoking thing combined with the weather thing plus the horrific hormonal migraine thingy... all conspiring to make me have a nervous breakdown because I am not par on my work performance lately, the more I try to be, the less I am and the less I want to take that promotion the boss seems inclined on pushing on me. So I have a appointment to chat with her tommorow whereby I will apolagize for something I cannot control, express my firm and earnest desire to be present and functioning and still manage to feel both useless and as guilty as a teenager skipping class.

So I would have to say todays migraine, which thankfully did not hit until much later is the reason why I have smoked 3 1/2 smokes. I have to say in my defense that is not that many and that I really did not enjoy them... icky really. Something about pain brings out my self destructive nature... you know, the sort of haphazard concern for your health, because you already feel like crap all the time and have no desire to change eating habits or bad habits to prolong the whole crapola-ness of it all. However, it is a counter productive attitude, because although smoking seems to calm me when I have a migraine, it makes the asthma thing worse, which makes me extremely fatigued, which in turn causes headaches... all just a slippery slope.

I feel crabby. I feel tired. This migraine is not going to go away, since I have nothing to take to make it do so. I want some refreshing sleep. The courage and strength to get out of bed. Some clarity when I get out of bed, so I am not confused at how to put on a shirt and what I was doing. I want to go to work with a false smile and hoepfully accomplish something worthwhile, to keep be busy. I want my boss to understand I am lagging because I do not want to do the weeks of training and months of learning... I just want the job I had, manageable, easy, but enjoyable. You can't force ambition on someone... expecially someone who because of these chronic pain condidtions has learned the ability to deny herself any such career goals in order to appease her poor health... pushing usually means, struggling for a long time and then just crashing into more pain than I can handle. Is it so hard to understand I don't want to go there again. I was good at the other job, it would have been a fine position for me, satisfactory for years.

I have been looking on monster.com because if worse comes to worse I hope to find a job at a different bank, that is similar to the one I had, preferably with flexible hours. Or if I am in dire need, something that will do. Cause I don't need much money to be content, it is more important by body is content. To manage my pain means to manage my lifestyle and my career choices.

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