I'm broken

I had an imensely bad day at work today, from the very start to the very end. For some reason I also found it very emotionally upsetting, when usually I just let this sort of thing roll off me. I think possibly it was not just the pain of the migraine, but the prospect it is going to continue like this with no relief for the indefinate future that got to me. Got to me good as well. I am not the sort for public displays of emotion, as I find that entirely embarassing, but I was brimming with tears for a good few hours, trying to distract myself from that thundering realization and the pain.

The day started with my being late for work. After hitting the snooze button a few times for some reason I turned it off, but realizing this I turned it back on... but of course it would not ring again after that, yet I thought it would. So you see, that is a bad start. The migraine was there from the moment I woke up, but I thought it was a tolerable amount of pain to endure until after work, and I was wrong. Shortly after getting to work I was called into the managers office where I was informed I had to attend every day of work, have the ER phone if I was incapable of showing, as missing work as I have been (and the numbers don't lie there) is reasons for dismissal. So I can't go on leave and I can't miss work. It is a perfectly reasonable judgement on my bosses part, but it is also reasonable that it would affect me emotionally. Maybe that is what amped up the pain. So I had to take one of those anti-inflammartores and choke back my emotions. But the pill did not work and it was just a steady increase in pain. I could not even manage a facade of well being, which at least prevents people from looking at me funny. So I let the river flow at lunch time, for some cathartic release and pushed through to the end of the day. And the moment I stepped outside into the strong wind, I nearly fainted from the flare of pain. And perhaps I was close to fainting, as my heart was doing quite a few ka-thunking today. I tried to mellow out this evening, in the dark, but it has been hard. And the anti-inflammatory while not helping with the pain, hit my hard in the stomach and so the last few hours have been filled with additional abdomenal pain.

So you can see how this was one rotten day. And also how tommorow might be exactly the same, excluding the late part and the office talk. I don't know how I am going to do it. But I have done it before... while I was learning the difference between acute migraine and tolerable mild to moderate migraines where I can suffer through work. The problem is, the lack of any way to control them, any pain relief and any way to abort an acute one. The additional problem is that this is upsetting me... not just as a fact that I must deal with, but on a profoundly emotional level. Two emotional outbursts of pure undilluted sadness have hit me hard this weak. Pain with no relief is disturbing, pain with no relief while trying to function is very difficult. So this day broke me, I fell hard and I am not sure I am going to bounce back as easily as I usually do with a flippant joke of a bit of well times sarcasm.

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