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What a fricken day

I did get some good news today; my test results came out spiffy and so my stomach pain is essentially aggravated digestive issues triggered by the anti-inflammatory and because of the FMS my system does not rebound like someone else's would. So since the ulcer med is helping, I will stay on it. Other than that, the pain should simmer down as long as I watch my diet. So that is good. No bleeding holes in my belly. I will get a ultrasound to make sure everything is still where it ought to be, but he said it does not sound like anything else given the type of pain and general location. I am good with that.... pain, temporary, good. And he said my thyroid count is back on track, so the new dosage should be perfect.

What ruined my day from the get-go was a meeting with the boss lady. I understand I have missed too many days. No one gets that more than me, but let me tell you they were not fricken holidays for me. So point to her. I can't argue against the facts, but I have been doing better, and considering I was on medical leave, a snap recovery would be quite surprising. I would like my doctor to cure me of migraines (and everything else for that matter), but he is all out of 'instant cure for chronic illnesses'... rather because they would be called chronic if you could fricken cure them. I had the choice of coming back full time or not at all, with everybody breathing down my neck... and while I thought coming back full time, when I only had a half-ass treatment and a new preventative was not a brilliant idea, I was in no position to argue. So she has run out of patience with my lack in exemplary attendance. But telling me this does not help either, cause I cannot order my brain to stop tormenting me. However, apparently I will have to order my body to amp up on pain tolerance, because she is giving me the first written warning, which means I can be fired any time she wishes should I slide. And while I can nod my head and say okay sounds good to me, that also does not help me when I am sick with a blaring migraine, throwing up or otherwise ill from medications or whatever. So I have to manage to get myself to work, even if it means throwing up on someones shoes or not being able to see or hear. And today, which has been a bad migraine day such as they are, I hit the curb getting to work and then lodged my car in the nearest parking spot which happened to be a mire of mud I could not then remove myself from... tip top working condition. And this all does not piss me off, it actually made me a little teary eyed, because it is like someone is demanding I stop the sun from shining... I would if I could, but the world don't work that way. So essentially she is saying I need to suffer in silence. No option of lesser hours and such. Just be there... or not.

What did piss me off, is her saying 'What have you done to help improve your condition?' or some such crap. As if I have not heard that shit a thousand times in my life time. Well, if you exercised, and eat green beans and drink eight glasses of water maybe you would not feel so bad. If you try eating only protein or no protein, or take this exact combination of vitamins. Or... or... or. What-fucking-ever. It is always the patients fault for not feeling better. They don't pro-actively do enough to cure themselves... don't try enough randomly recommended treatments, no matter how expensive, or change their life style in specific and often contradictory ways. She of course mentioned the smoking... and yeah that is stupid, but it is a nice self destructive habit that will hopefully kill me and save me the trouble... and maybe if I did not have so much stress, as in having to work 'through' enough pain to make a grown man cry like a baby, maybe I would have a slight desire to quit smoking. Then she said if I was proactive about my health and cared about my well-being I would get rid of my cats. How dare she suggest such a thing? As if, giving away my cats, when I love animals, have no children and they improve my mood vastly, would be a good thing. It would be a very bad thing. And for what? My asthma is under control, no one knows if I am allergic to cats and the last time I had out of control asthma attacks was from a god damned migraine abortive I was using to get to work in the first damned place. It was rude. And it essentially is telling me that if I do not feel better, in any regards I suppose, it is my fault in some obscure way.... when in fact it has been side-effects, some nasty ones, that have caused a great deal of my problems lately.

And she says she has received complaints from staff. That they think I am getting special consideration for having so many sick days... blah... blah. I feel so sorry for them having to work without pain like that, day in and day out. I am oozing with sympathy. So that means, litterally will have to suffer in silence. I get that people can tell when I am in pain... I have a bit of a strained expression, a tension to my smile (as in have to force a smile and it does not hold) and maybe a wee bit pale, so often some people know and ask. But I need to perk up the facade if I am going to manage to show up everyday, or take more pain medication. Cause if someone asks how I am doing, I am just goin to say 'fine', even if it is a false fine, or even a sarcastic fine. Because if they cannot understand how I feel when I call in sick, how horrible is makes me feel to have someone cover for me, the guilt, how I am taking too much triptans just to be there the days I am.. then screw it. I will pretend and maybe if I pretend enough I will fool myself. But if I have to suffer through it, I will not suffer false sympathy.... I will not be a friggen topic of conversation, while people speculate behind my back about my health... that is why I never mentioned the FMS and never will... bias to chronic pain is a bitch.

Being moody does not help either, thus the ranting... does not make me feel better today, but maybe tomorrow.
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