Missing my mind today

There is a point when memory glitches are less glitches and more a state of mind, as in a permanent state of mind.  Being forgetful is one thing, but forgetting to do important things and not even remembering later is quite another.  I forgot to pay the bills last month and had no idea they were not paid until I paid them this month.  I forgot I posted my last entry on here and was going to do it again... which would have been a tad bit confusing.  I have some serious problems with facial recognition... in my line of work I meet a lot of people, associate with them for a short term and can't be expected to remember them all.  I really don't remember any of them.  I keep getting people coming in and greeting me by name and I have no clue if I know them from work or elsewhere, they don't even look vaguely familiar.  I do recognize names, although don't connect them to faces and it takes a bit of jogging to get to the point where I can connect the name to the business I did for them.  Thank god for computers.

You have to wonder, after awhile, how long your going to be able to keep functioning enough to work.  I certainly wonder.  Thirty some years to retirement and I am already struggling.  Constant migraines mean constant neurlogical problems.  Problems speaking, writing, communicating, remembering, consentrating, seeing, hearing....  Granted, sometimes, it is very noticable and difficult, sometimes impossible... but I am not even taking about complete brainless blogger days, I am talking about every day, even days that are good and the abortive worked and the pain part is not even an issue (there are days like that... damn good days)  I can pass on paper.  I do my job well enough, but it is like wading through fricken mud in my brain.  Stuff leaks through the gaps.  Literally when someone leaves my office, they fall right out of my brain... they can come back a half hour later and i have no idea who they are.  I wait for people to tell me why they are there so i can remember what the heck I am doing for them.  The reason I function is because I only see a certain amount of people per day and this rotates but is never high... so I can go through my active files daily to achieve the ends I need.  Constantly reminding myself of my work, but the people slip through the gaps.  Return customers are not return customers to me... might as well be a new one.  I suspect I repeat myself, and my conversation rollers, likely to the same people because I do not actually remember anything about the conversation, except what I have in the file.  My god, if there was not a paper trail and a computer I would be useless.  It used to be I would change my study habits or work habits to work around my health... and I still do, but I think my disability is winning on that score.  Might have to video record everything to keep up with myself.  I am the type of person that remembers what I read, which was awesome for school, but when you forget everything you hear and see it does not quite cut it.  Time seems to pass so quickly for me, but it is because there are months of time I cannot remember and most things are foggy at best.  When i think I did something recently, it could have been six months since I did it.

I have had a migraine since last Friday.  Started with a hormonal bang and then just kept going.  Same old story.... except with more nausea this round.  Then I wake up Wednesday and I am out of it.  I have a whopping morning migraine, I have nausea and for added fun vertigo.  So I call in late... because I could not remember if I had any important appointments, I did not want to call in sick, plus I could not remember the last time I called in sick, but I suspected it was recently and I like to space those out so it is not so blatantly obvious how useless I am.  So I go into work and I am thinking I must have been insane to come to that conclusion.  I was very queasy, could not walk straight, the world was spinning and I could not seem to get my eyes to focus.  It was difficult but I did manage most of the day.  How useful I was while I was there is debatable.  I got stuff done and frankly that is impressive enough.  Thing is, every migraine is different and every one of them has the potential to have some whopping neurological effects.  I can't miss too much work, ergo I work with a lot of migraines where in some way or another I am not all there.  So how long can I keep that up before it becomes that I cannot do my job?  Obviously no one in there right mind would want to work with migraines, or leave the house during the day or move, but wants and needs do not always meet.  Unfortunately I am dang close on the can and cannot line as it is.  I am taking too many medications too many times to get where I am and I have to force myself not to take one or the other in order to not take them too often, when I need them all the time... so when you have a acute migraine while at work and cannot take an abortive, that is not the sort of cannot that is acceptable since working and an acute migraine don't do well together.  I have two abortives that I switch off on, so as to confuse my brain so they work better, but you need to have a 24 hour period between abortives.  Did I mention my lack of a memory?  That goes for medications as well.  I keep to a routine when taking them, so that later when I forgot if I actually did take them I am reasonably assured I did, since I stick to that routine.  However, with abortives or painkillers, which are as needed, I do forget.  I forget if I already took an abortive in the morning and if so what time, or how many days in a row I have taken them and if I can switch to the other one or not.  I think sometimes I take them all week without remembering until i start getting all that chest pain stuff and the need for more asthma medication being the warning sign that maybe I forgot that three day rule.

The fact is I am tired.  I wade through work barely conscious and when i get home I just want to sleep.  Lately I get home and if I do not sleep, I might as well be, because I am utterly brain dead.  Zone out.  Nobody home.  I don't quite understand what is in it for me.  Work thirty more years till retirement, so I can retire, and then I will not have to suffer so much.  Umm.  That means thirty more years of suffering, not doing anything else but getting through work and living in a sort of weird timeless haze where you don't even remember a good portion of your sad sad existence.  When you consider life expectancy, which I suspect I am not on the high end of, how many years of blissful retirement do I get to make up for the torment of working from adult onward?  Ten if I am lucky?  That does not seem like a viable return for my investment.  If I were an investment the return would not be high enough to attract anyone for the risk ratio.   I need some sort of pain and suffering karma compensation so that in the next life I will be born a billionaire with perfect health and super awesome luck.
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