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Showing posts from 2010

New Years Resolutions

Are tricky things for sure.  I could use some postive reinforcements and some realistic goals.  The key to resolutions is that they be realistic, which is tricky.  I like to take a large goal (say losing weight) and making it smaller goals like (losing a few pounds a month, or eating regularly, or exercising on the Wii).  Makes it much more manageable.  I had a good day at work today, since I did not have a migraine At All, which gives me back a taste of confidence.  I like to think if I can manage the self-loathing and over-over-thinking such that I rationalize myself into the unreasonable, then I can cope with pain and work.  Emtional issues, however, are tricky, the moment you think you have a handle on them, they get all slippery and twist around.  So I do not want to make any extreme resolutions.  I need some optimism to balance out those bouts of insane pessimism.  So I like to think of making more than one resolution, of small things, to create a plan of action in order to surv…

Walking backwards

What I like about working is that I have a purpose, which makes me feel like I am at least accomplishing something.  I also like the distraction, it is easier not to focus on existing pain or think about future pain when you are forced to play all nice with others.  I am a good faker that is for sure, but when it comes to honestly discussing how disturbed I am about chronic pain it is extremly difficult not to break down.  Mostly because I figure no matter what I do it absolutely changes nothing, which is rather unpleasant.  In that case, it seems there is no alternative to consider, just figuring out how to suffer silently, while at the same time not, apparently, wanting to jump off a cliff.  Which frankly, is rather asking a lot.  I can play the 'what if' game all I want, but when push comes to shove I need to have an income.  Even if I speculate on ways to do that which will reduce my pain, I still have to do so while actually holding on to the career I have currently, some…

Something interesting from the Migraine Foundation

Well, look at that... some research into why chronic migraines are chronic!
Chronic migraine is a prevalent healthcare burden whose cause is only partly known, a void that hampers development of new treatments. Considerable research shows that chronic pain, including that from migraine, may alter pain pathways so that they are more sensitive. This effect involves cytokines, small molecules first recognized for their role in signaling between immune cells. We hypothesized that pro-inflammatory cytokines produced after migraine could make it easier to trigger subsequent migraines as modeled by spreading depression, a most likely cause of migraine pain and aura.

We confirmed this hypothesis by triggering spreading depression in hippocampal slice cultures, thin sections of brain that can be kept in a dish for months. We found that spreading depression triggered cytokine changes in the brain that both increased and decreased susceptibility to spreading depression on subsequent days. Importa…

Wii Fit

I got the Wii fit for Christmas, which some might narrow their eyes and say 'are you implying I'm fat?', but in my case, I have wanted one for awhile!  Although according to the first start up mode my BMI is 27, which is, er... plump (healthy is 22, and over 25 I think is overweight).  I also have no sense of balance, because my muscles are weak and I am extremely double jointed.  Which is why I wanted this, because the Wii fit has yoga on it.  Since the only form of exercise I apparently can do without boatloads of pain is stretching I figure yoga is a good start.  It goes through each move slowly and then you can make up our own routines from the moves.  Kinda cool.  Then it has exersizes to help with balance that are little fun games, as well as games for aerobic exercise and strength building ones.  Obviously I am avoiding the strength building because those are far more painful than my FMS muscles can handle.  That being said, yoga also painful.  Since you have to hol…

Hemicrania Continua

Someone had mentioned this headache disorder to me because I get chronic migraines.  And they are in fact very similar in some aspects, but Hemicrania Continua is not responsive to triptans, which migraines are, usually, sometimes.  Although it does make me wonder, since I wonder sometimes why migraines become chronic and maybe it is because it is migraines plus another headache condition which would explain the difficulties in treating it.  Anyway, I'd thought I'd share this tidbit.

According to Health Central's fabulous Terri Roberts "Hemicrania continua is considered a primary headache disorder, meaning that it's not caused by another condition. It's a rare but treatable disorder. According to the International Headache Society's (IHS) International Classification of Headache Disorders, 2nd Edition, hemicrania continua is a "persistent strictly unilateral headache responsive to indomethacin."

The IHS diagnostic criteria for hemicrania continua…

Carol of the Bells - Trans-Siberian Orchestra

yay me... my right eye decided to go funky along with the right ear

So I still cannot hear on the right side, excluding the insanely loud ringing that is driving me crazy.  Today, just for fun, my brain decided to muck up the right eye.  It is like having a cataract, it is all hazy and makes everything looked doubled, which is so much fun.  The visual snow aura is also stronger than it usually is, in that usually it is just pin-prick white sparkles and now it is pin-prick white, black and blue sparkles with the occasionally larger black or while blob.  And of course the migraine pain itself is still there. 

My first day back at work was alright.  It was a half day, so that is not too bad and I am not taking customers yet, so also not too bad.  However, I do have this status migraine joyness to deal with and just stepping outside made that worse.  At least I have been able to keep a grip on my emotions... going for an all out numbness, which works since I have to hide the pain somehow and still be able to talk to co-workers about how I am doing coming…

I don't get this deaf thing

I have had a migraine since Thursday and on Friday I lost the hearing on the right side.  Lost hearing for external sounds completely but there is a very loud ringing noise.  I get how a migraine can knock out my hearing like a broken speaker that flickers on and off, but this whole complete deafness thing is damned irritating. What's worse is that the left side is not all that great either, since some noises are extremely painful.  I wonder if one of these times my hearing won't come back, since it seems to take a damn long time to come back on line.  Damned status migraines... the longer they are the weirder they get.

Tomorrow I go to work

And I think I am still in shock.  Shocked that my neuro cleared me to return.  I said I was terrified of returning, knowing I completely destroyed my emotional calm in trying to hide my suffering.  Just thinking about working in that pain brings tears to my eyes, so how am I going to pretend tomorrow that it is not killing me?  I thought I had made myself clear, but with these doctors it is like those sleep paralysis dreams I get... you can be screaming and screaming and no one hears you, you can run but you never get anywhere and there is no escape.  I still can't believe they did not listen to me.  It is like what I say, believe and feel is of no consequence.  Even though it will be a slow start for two weeks before I go to full time I know the torture that awaits me and, damn it, I can't manage to shove the emotions down far enough to handle the thought of that pain.  It is a slow torture knowing that no matter what you do or say you end up where you were.  I don't know…

Managing Migraine Misery Q&A

Check out the full Managing Migraine Misery: Merle Diamond, MD transcript

Diamond: Chronic migraine or chronic daily headaches is a very common problem seen in a neurologist's or headache specialist's office. There are many treatments available, some of which include drugs and some of which are behavioral. Some simple things to address include caffeine consumption, over-the-counter medications, decongestants, and prescription pain medicine. These can all lead to rebounds. Having a healthcare provider who is interested in managing your treatment over a long period of time is important. The National Headache Foundation may be able to give you appropriate resources in your area.

Member: I recently had a migraine that lasted over 10 days (no medication helped. I took Excedrin on top of Amerge and Tylenol with codeine) and ended up going to the ER for relief and a CT scan (normal results). I don't get migraines often, but when I do, they have lasted up to two weeks. Why?


Its like deja vu all over again

I don't know why I think I can trust my doctors to know what is going on with me when obviously I can't. Every time I have taken a short term leave of absence I have ended up returning to work before I should have, because I am left with no choice but to do so. I have to follow what they put on the forms they send in. And once again I am screwed because the neuro said I was able to return to work this Monday, which I have just been informed of via a message from my short term case manager. Even though I am on two new medications and who knows if they will work long term. Even though one of them makes me so fuzzy headed I can't think straight and sure can't get up at a decent time. I suppose my mental health has no bearing on the situation, although the thought of returning to work right now terrifies me. And rightly so, when I know exactly what it is like to work in all that pain, be expected to do so, and damn well know the price it has on me over the long term…

Got a case of the dead head

This new med is making my brain ball all fuzzy.  The good thing is that I slept like the dead last night... for twelve hours.  And I woke up with no migraine at all.  One migraine free day!  Awesome.  Except I did get a migraine in the evening, but still, a good sleep really helps prevent early morning migraines and the fact it was delayed until the evening is in fact awesome.  The fact my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton balls not so awesome.  This preventative is an antidepressant used to help people sleep, which was the intention given I have such sleep related migraine issues.  But antidepressants always depress my brain functions as well.  If I recall correctly this med is the one that dulled my brain when I was taking my Masters, which did not work out so well for one of my term papers.  At the time it really pissed me off that the neuro I had gave me something that directly affected my ability to function at school, plus all on its own it did nothing for the migraines.…

Almost finished migraine week I think

Almost through this months week of crazy bad migraines.  Maybe.  Last night was brutal and today is the same, but still, I think it is nearing the end.  I am also nearing the end of my short term disability, as I got the paperwork to go ahead with the long term today.  And getting on long term is a whole different story, a lot more paperwork and less of a chance of success.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed since I went on disability, so if I cannot get the long term then I am screwed long term.  I loath insurance paperwork.  Also means off to the doctor I go again so he can fill them out, hopefully, fill them out well, since the last time I attempted long term that doc simply could not be bothered.

I had a dream last night that I was in prison for robbing a bank.  And they would not give me my medications.  So it was very painful and likely influenced by the migraine I had when I went to sleep... still if I can't get on long term, prison is an option. LOL

Yet another drug to add to the cocktail

My neuro has added another medication to the ever growing list.  So now my preventatives are Lyrica, Verapamil ( A calcium channel blocker), and now Amitriptyline (An antidepressant).  Not that Amitriptyline is new to me... way back in the day it was one of my first non-effective preventatives.  He wants to try it with the others and maybe it will help me sleep some as well.

I have to wonder why some people have chronic migraines rather than occassional ones.  There are more of us out there than one might think.  People are always asking me if doctors know why I get so many migraines.  And how should they or I know?  Not caffiene though, that I can say for sure.  Might be genetics, combined with sleep deprivation, combined with FMS and its photosensativity issues.  Yet, then others with chronic migraines would have other underlying conditions and I am not sure that is the case at all, although it might be in some.  So I do wonder why I am afflicted with so very many migraines such tha…

Insomnia Insanity

Pain eventually drives us all to distraction, fustration and desperation.  How can it not?  When it is so intense all you can think about is how to stop it?  Yet, with a good nights sleep, we can at least think rationally again.  Which is why my insomnia is a rather bad element to add to the mix.  Thankfully, when I am so inflicted with sleeplessness I do not worry and I do not dwell on negative thoughts.  Usually I day dream or think about ineresting philosophical ideas... and sometimes I lull myself to sleep doing so.  With a nasty migraine in the mix, my aching, throbbing brain simply does not allow me to sleep.  Even when I distract myself with thoughts I cannot get comfortable.  I am restless and toss and turn.  I get up for a bit sometimes and try again.  Usually I will fall asleep somewhere between 3 to 5 am.  Last night I got all the way to 6 am and knew it was a lost cause.  So I am up, did some laundry and cleaning and now blogging and writing.  Hoping to tire myself out a b…

Thinking about the whole not working thing... again

I find it weird, in this economic climate, that people would find it odd that I am concerned about work stability. I get that I don't have it now, but I had valid reasons for trying to maintain it. The thing is, upon reflection, and then some more reflection, I realize how futile it all was. Yes, financial stability makes me feel so much better. No one likes to worry about bills. And I sure don't like the decrease in my funds with this short term leave, or the fact I have to wait and depend on doctors form filling skills to know if I will continue to have funds at all. And you never know what is going to happen in life, any change of circumstances can throw you throw a loop, and it is a good thing to know you have a career that is stable. So of course, no matter how poor our health we try to hold onto that, knowing because of our poor health we are at a higher risk of being disposed of and laid off.

So the thing that is constant is the chronic illness and chronic pain. That g…

Comforting Clutter

There is something a little scary in hoarders who become emotionally attached to their things such that they cannot function in the world.  And there is something admirable in people who can discard half or more of their things, to declutter their lives, and feel such relief from it.  I, on the other hand, am somewhere inbetween. 

I don't really care about the TV, the DVD player, the video game systems and whatnot.  I could be rid of all those in a minute, although my man might have a fit if I did.  When we first moved into our own house about three years ago, we did not have enough stuff to fill it, so we went forth and began the process of filling it.  To me it is about making a house a home.  I like to be surrounded by things that either make me feel good when I look at them, are aesthetically pleasing, or have a memory I like to remember encoded within them.

One thing I have noticed is that I do not like bare walls.  I like my walls filled with pictures that appeal to me, soo…

Migraines and my IQ

Not a surprising statement when you consider the symptoms of a migraine; pain, mental fog and so forth. I just did one of those standard IQ tests and got a 131, which is slightly lower than my usual which is anywhere from 135 to 140 depending on the test and my desire to focus on it, but my original one was 140. I have a moderate migraine right now, and the last time I took a test with a migraine it was around the same. Obviously, if I did one with an acute migraine, it would be around 80, but who would want to torment themselves like that? Gods, a verbal test would even be worse.

I was curious to know what sort of change there would be to my IQ in general... from the lack of focus, to the inability to access long term memory.   According to a radio show 132 is a genius, but I am pretty sure most scales consider the 140's to be that. Because really, if you consider 100 to be average, mid range for average anyway, 30 above that is not all that dramatic. Getting into the 160's,…

Just not feeling good about it

Stopped by work today to fax off some more short term leave docs to my neuro and had a chat with my boss.  Just sitting there talking to her reminded me that I am not doing well.  I think I am when I am at home, when I am managing my pain.  But, no, I am not.  Within two seconds of that conversation I felt that Guilt for not working.  When she asked how I was doing I had no idea how to reply, since just thinking about work makes me feel anxious and decidedly not well.  I think about what I went through and, hell no, I don't want to endure all that again, because I damn well know it will put me in the same frame of mind I was before. I had no idea how to answer when I might return.  Some of my family thinks never is a good idea all things considered.  My shrink thinks I need to be on long term and then can decide my options, but believes that returning to that work environment might not be a good idea.  My doctor is quite indifferent.  My neuro also thinks I need to be on long term…

Christmas is just around the corner

I love Christmas.  I don't like the hype and I get totally annoyed with all the Christmas music on the radio, but I love the holiday.  I love gifts and I love giving gifts... even if this year I had to cut my budget quite a bit.  I like the meal and the gathering of family.  It's all good in my books.

I bought 90% of my gifts online again this year.  It is just such a hassle otherwise.  And to the left you can see while doing so I went and designed a few things for my 'Hermit shop Cafepress'... because that site is awesome, not just for creating something for yourself, or selling designs and what not... but simply the availability of some pretty cool gifts.  I personally like the photography, illustrations and artwork framed prints.... because I like that sort of thing anyway and can't beat the price.  I am also absurdly fond of having and buying for others humorous t-shirts... I just can't seem to stop myself!  Then I usually hit Amazon for random things like …

I am feeling edgy after one heck of a migraine

I was completely knocked down for the count today with an intensely acute migraine.  It started of manageable and I puttered around the house trying to be useful, then it just slammed into full gear.  And with this baby it was extremely painful in the temples, which is something I got after my botox treatment as well, new pathway for pain I guess.  Also got those electric shooting pain with movement.  Then I literally felt my brain slow down into utter bimbo mode as I frantically tried to get rid of the beast.  Between a tramacet and my abortive, Maxalt, it was killed, mostly.  Unfortunately, the dang abortive gave me chest pains again, not insanely back angina pain though, just those sharp twinges of pain that hitch your breathing and make you wonder about cardiovascular complications.  It sure was a whopper.  I am left with an ache in my head and some nasty shoulder and neck pain.  No discernable trigger for this one, but there is not always something I can point to, or blame... it …

Ah the power of Google and Doubt

I am sure many people with Fibromyalgia wonder is it really Fibromyalgia or something more sinister.  I was thinking about the whole rash and bruising issue and so used the power of Google to help me out.  One thing for certain... not eczema... stupid ER doc.  It is in fact petechiae (little red dots) that when I itch or rub turn into thousands of petechiae which since it is blood pooling upward do then spread into some impressive bruises that take their time in leaving.  The cause for the petechiae?  A whole lot of not fun.  One thing that can cause it is medication... but I have not been on any medication as long as I have had this phenomena.  One thing that leaps out is that it could be a symptom of Lupus, which way back when I was a kid with mysterious bruising one doc thought I had, that combined with my impressively fluctuating and high ANA count.  Yet nothing could be determined at the time and like a decade later, after me complaining about the same dang things to different do…

Darvon taken off the US market darvon FDA suggests Darvon and Darvocet be taken off the market in the US.  Not sure about Canada.  I remember being on that one myself back in the day.  Either way looks like studies say it is bad for the ticker.
"The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said Friday that Xanodyne Pharmaceuticals has agreed to halt marketing of Darvon and the related brand Darvocet, which have been subject to safety concerns for decades.
The FDA has also called on generic drugmakers to stop marketing low-cost drugs containing the active ingredient in Darvon, called propoxyphene.
About 10 million people in the U.S. received prescriptions for Darvon and related drugs in 2009, according to the FDA.
Friday's action puts the U.S. in line with Britain and the European Union, which previously decided to ban Darvon because of suicides and accidental overdoses. The drug is listed as an approved medication in Health Canada's online database.
FDA officials said they decided to take action bas…
Quality of life- The Daily migraine
One thing that it mentions is how a chronic and painful condition can slowly take away activities that were enjoyable. And as the author says, often the improvement of a person’s overall quality of life is the goal of medical care, especially when a cure is not possible. So it turns out that understanding what activities make a person happy and content is really important when deciding what medical care is appropriate.
Indeed so I have learned... doing things that improve the quality of life... or the desire to live at all... are just as, or more vital, than the treatments.  And yes, doctors definately should consider this with uncurable conditions, but I find they often do not.  My doctor is a rather indifferent sort.  Before I made my dramatic statement that my quality of life totally sucked, he was not at all aware or even concerned with how I was handling the pain.  Even when I said I was not.  Even when I said it is making it difficult to work.…

Winter is really, really here now

Fall seemed to linger for the longest time, which is fine by me.  Then came a snow storm, all night long, and a plument in temperature and from one day to the next full blown winter.  It did aggravate my migraines when it hit.  And I really want to be a hermit now that it is here... so my going out and venturing into public thing has been slacking... because it is cold out there, and bright, and all that glaring whiteness of it all.  The things about winter...

1) It makes me want to hibernate
2) I hate all the snow... it makes my eyeballs hurt
3) There is not too much fluz in the weather, so not too many sudden weather changes to cause migraines
4) If I have a migraine and I go outside when it is windy and frigid it actually makes my head hurt... just the cool air compressing my skull and the wind biting causing my skin to hurt, because my skull skin is oversensitized from the migraine.
5) I rather feel being a hermit works this time of year really.

Sick or not?

I have been feeling under the weather a bit, but it is just some nasty nausea.  Which means I could be getting sick or it could be a digestive thing or it could be a migraine thing.  Funny how it is when you are chronically ill that we are so very aware of our body's state of being (good pain day, bad pain day, weird symptom day) such that we don't even know when we are sick or just feeling ill.  Not that it really matters one way or the other, but if I knew I was coming down with something I could amp my vitamin C or some other alternative.

There are so many various degrees of crapiness with Fibromyalgia it is really hard to say sometimes what is normal crap or not.  Sometimes it is hard to say whether it is worth mentioning to a doctor.  For example I get this rash every time I scratch that a doc once told me was eczema, which it could be.  I scratch and thousands of little pinprick red dots magically appear, then spread out and turn purple and then look like bruises.  And I…

The best laid plans of mice and men...

often go with rye... oops, I mean awry.  It is not an easy feat to cope with chronic pain on a daily basis.  I hardly think I am the first to say that!  Nevertheless, we have our methods of coping, of distracting ourselves, tricks to ease the pain, meds to numb the pain and numerous other little things that make day to day life tolerable. 

And that all goes to heck the moment we are confronted with acute suffering, or enduring severe pain... pain that cannot be denied and rather does not like to be ignored.  All those things I have been fitting into my routine go right out the window along with my will power.  If I can't sleep then how am I to have a normal sleep routine?  If I feel so ill I can't even think about food how am I to eat throughout the day?  Exercise?  You have to be kidding me... I am having issues just getting out of bed.

It's crazy really.  All these things I am supposed to do in order to tolerate the pain better are litterally impossible to do for about …

Bad Migraine Day Makes Brainless Blogger Totally Brainless

The thing about freelance writing on the side, which you might notice has included my health related essays, is that it does require some brain power.  I got absolutely nothing done today.  Had a nasty migraine from the get go... then it got worse and I was all fuzzy headed and lost the hearing on the left side.  So much migraine fun.  I managed one wee article, part of another and printed up a manuscript to send to a publisher.  Still a little something something anyway, but I am totally drained.  That being said I am having loads of fun writing!

How to save money when you're gimpy

Well, being on leave from work means my income has gone down 25% so far, and more if I am off much longer.  This has made a dent in the old bank book, as in a big monthly negative dent.

1) Create a new budget: Obviously you still need to pay debts, unfortunately obviously, so those must remain in a buget, unless you want to get called incessently from collective agencies.  So you need to chop the other expenses such as groceries and entertainment. 
         a) With groceries, you don't want to stop eating, as that would be conterproductive to surviving your gimpiness.  And many of us have dietary habits that are not cheap... you try buying something without MSG.  So basically it is a matter of going back to basics.  Cut out all the crap really.  The chips, the cookies, the yum yums.  Take advantage of things on sale or cheap brands rather than your fav brand.  Take advantage of coupons, even though, man, they are annoying.
         b) You can essentially cut out all entertaiment.…

I'm Just Saying...

On my blog I have it set that each post is moderated... because, man, I get loads of spam.  Anyway, that's how I roll.  On other blogs I frequent they have that little security word to make sure your not robot, which is a good idea... but, dang, I hate those.  I hate them because my migraine addled brain is dyslexic and confused... it never is able to choose the right letters or even sometimes tell what it is supposed to be.

It is a lot like stripes and checkers... my eyes just go all wonky seeing those.  I abhor closely striped shirts, since it immediately makes my eyes go all wierd and puts my brain in a trancelike state, in which I cannot understand a dang thing someone is saying to me.

And it is a lot like flashing and moving icons... I think sometimes those things might just throw me into a seizure.

I need to fix my brain eyeball connection.  It is broke good.

Victory is mine! Or not.

I think the one thing that holds me back with coping with chronic pain over all is that I can't win. If I lose a limb, that would suck, but then I would be challenged to learn how to cope and then in the end I would, I would get my victory and be damn proud of my accomplishment. With chronic pain there is no end and so there is no victory. There are the things like being proud that we are able to work, but then there is also the whack load of guilt when you are not able to.

If I follow the path and do all the techniques that might help me survive chronic pain better then all I am doing is learning how to lie better. Fooling others into believing I am not suffering as much as I am, and that is no real victory to me, since silience takes a huge toll on us as well. So I am resistent to these suggestions that I need to change my lifestyle in order to cope better. First of all it is like blaming the patient... if they are not doing all the work that they should be doing, having no vic…


William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Nightmares are really starting to irk me

I get the sort of nightmares brought on by sleep paralysis, mostly because sleep paralysis freaks me out. So sometime during the night, I feel awake, but then realize I can't move and then I freak out and wake myself up. Sometimes more than once a night. Thing is now when I fall asleep I dream I am awake, but that something feels wrong, everything is off, which freaks me out and I try to get up, realize I can't move, or move sluggishly, and then freak out and litterally yank myself awake. Honestly this is becoming so frequent my nightmare of waking up, but being lucid dreaming and aware of my inability to move, is rather causing worse sleep problems than my insomnia. Because once I wrench myself awake, it is hard to fall back to sleep. Also since if I do fall back to sleep right away, the same thing tends to happen. Today I wrenched myself awake and swear I saw this shadowy figure standing by the bed, leaning inward... which seriously freaked me out, such that I had to g…

How to be a Hermit

1) Avoid sunlight: Sunlight is evil, but besides that fact, if you avoid sunlight you will avoid 90% of people. In fact, if in contact with sunlight, squint, look confused and possibly scream.

2) Do not leave the house: Your house is your cave. You can randomly heckle or rant at people that come to the door, in fact it is recommended, but do not leave unless in dire need.

3) Do not answer the phone: Lets face it, if you are a good hermit, the only person calling are telemarketers anyway. If you do feel impelled to answer the phone, then feel free to engage the telemarketer in a random conversation about religion, politics and anything that is highly opinionated.

4) Develop good ranting skills: This is a necessary asset to any hermit. Get your rant on about anything, but mostly about 'Those People' and 'The Man' and 'Others'.

5) Act crazy or confused when in contact with 'them' or the 'others': This means basically anyone that is not lik…

A little cognitive therapy to get your happiness on

Here is the thing about cognitive therapy, we create our own reality and how we react to situations and stress. Unfortunately, we do most of this on automatic pilot. It is all habitual responses we have taught ourselves over time that we just spew out without thinking about it. In order to treat depression we have to be mindful of the thought patterns we already have and eventually override them.

'The flowers are bright, but the person's mind is dark'. Reality is purely subjective. One can choose a pessimistic viewpoint on an absolutely bright and sunny day, while another person can see beauty in spite of the darkest clouds. This applies in every aspect. The first thing the person must do is embrace the experience of depression. Depression does not occur because of some outside circumstance. It occurs internally, when the body and mind have developed a negative disposition.

Depression is closely linked to the conditions of anguish and anxiety. The person is not conscious…

Label me not

Alright, I admit I do engage in a little sucidal ideation and, yeah, I did actual try to commit suicide but despite those rather obvious points I refuse to be labeled 'Depressed'. Naturally I can spit out some impressive rationlizations...

1) Coping is not a linear process with a beginning and an end, an end that sits us in 'acceptance' for the remainder of our chronic pain existence. It is a process which fluctuates, sometimes we stick in one stage longer than another, but we will never reach a perfect state of acceptance. Thusly, while I admit to being depressed sometimes, I would hardly say all the time.

2) Migraines affect mood. So while I may be melencholy prior to a migraine, or irrationally and extremely depressed while in a full blown acute migraine... when the migraine is gone the mood is gone. I also get hypomanic before a migraine, but no one would label me manic.

So nice rationalizations. Sometimes I impress myself with my own self denial. But re…