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I am Humpty Dumpty

Like Humpty Dumpty, I have spent decades teetering on the edge of a wall.  Occasionally I would find balance but sometimes I felt like I was going to fall, sometimes I felt like I was falling, but then I would hit that delicate balance again.  Yet I felt confident I would stay on that wall, not thinking that one strong push by a wind and I would topple over.  Work was that wind.  Unanticipated stress from an employer that destroyed me ability to cope by taking away my self respect, my self confidence, my pride in my work, my self esteem.  Those upper people who did not know me and did not know how carefully I sat on that wall and how proud I was to be able to work wanted to push me to suddenly cure myself or leave.  Their threats succeeded because when I became diminished, afraid and ashamed to call in sick, when they took my choice to call in sick or push through the day, well, they obliterated my self worth and I knew I could not do it.  I could not be what they wanted.  I could not let them take away what I had achieved through my struggle.  All I could do was push through the pain until it broke me.  Until I felt myself fracture.  I knew it and I hoped to patch myself up with duct tape and push through till it got better.  But the pain won.  They won.  I fell off the wall and I shattered into a million pieces.

Now I wonder how to put myself back together.  I am forced to acknowledge that this is just one more thing I must give up and I must find a way to replace that whole in my life.  I remember sometimes laughing so hard I would cry and I would suddenly feel this horrible sorrow and want to keep on crying.  Laughter is the best medicine because it lies... it tricks people into believing you are well and it masks the pain so that you convince yourself you are well, but beneath writhes a twisted mass of emotions.  My shrink wonders why I do not want to open up, why I am 'resistent'... but she does not know that when you are open and honest about how much pain you are in, how much you suffer, it causes the dam to break and you can't control your emotional pain.  What she wants me to learn is how to cope with the pain better and I think why?  So that I can piece myself together and climb back on that wall and fool others into thinking I am fine while I tip back and forth waiting for that hit to smack me down?  So I can work again and go through all that torment with a smile on my face?  Why is it such a bad thing to say I am surviving, I am coping but the pain is just too much for me to function like other people.  Why do I have to follow their rules, as if I need to work for some reason they believe is healthy, when in fact some monkey job would make me feel worse, wasted, useless.  I know my capabilities, my reality not my potential.  I know the reasons I clung to working as long as I did and it was not the reasons they think.  It is so wierd that she thinks she can help me when she cannot even comprehend my reality.  I do not need a wall to bounce my feelings and thoughts off on, I get them out in other ways.  I do not need someone to give me their opinions on what will help me cope, like they are unique and I have no heard them a hundred times over and tried them.  Coping is unique to the person and it is a process.  I guess that makes me 'resistent'.  But maybe I would benifit better being in a support group of people that actually get it because I really hate it when shrinks put words in our mouths, like we meant something different than what we said.  Maybe it is just that when my father had a nervous breakdown at work (he was figro) and we did this group thing, they did feed him their opinions and told him what to believe about what happened to him, like the pain did not matter and I was both insulted by that (because I am the same as him in some ways) and disgusted by it.  Ah, well, either way I must tolerate the shrinkage because my family thinks I should, and that means more than my opinion.

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