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Just not feeling good about it

Stopped by work today to fax off some more short term leave docs to my neuro and had a chat with my boss.  Just sitting there talking to her reminded me that I am not doing well.  I think I am when I am at home, when I am managing my pain.  But, no, I am not.  Within two seconds of that conversation I felt that Guilt for not working.  When she asked how I was doing I had no idea how to reply, since just thinking about work makes me feel anxious and decidedly not well.  I think about what I went through and, hell no, I don't want to endure all that again, because I damn well know it will put me in the same frame of mind I was before. I had no idea how to answer when I might return.  Some of my family thinks never is a good idea all things considered.  My shrink thinks I need to be on long term and then can decide my options, but believes that returning to that work environment might not be a good idea.  My doctor is quite indifferent.  My neuro also thinks I need to be on long term.  Really, it is not up to me, since my choices are always not what is best for me but what I think I should do.  If I return, and I return too early, such as before I even know if certain medications are effective, then I am screwed... because I know that I will keep on going, despite the pain, despite the stress and frustrations and emotional turmoil... because that is what I always do. I try to cope as best I can even when I can't... then I pretend I am, until I can't pretend any more.  Which obviously has not worked out so well for me.  So the idea is to have a substantial medical change so that when I return I can cope, which I don't even know is possible yet.  My boss does not want me to return until I am 100% better, which is impossible, but what she means is emotional stable and to a point where the pain is manageable.  Yeah, so mentally and emotionally still not quite recovered since I still feel that horrific guilt about what I think I should be doing rather than what I am currently capable of doing, I am still anxious and damn terrified at the idea of going back to work, just deeply afraid of how I will respond to all that stress while enduring all those migraines.  I know it is not possible for me to work full time and not miss a day when I have as many migraines as I do, but particularly have a week and a half status migraine every month.  I have lost my confidence to cope in that situation and you need to believe you can in order to survive it, which right now, I really don't.  And really, I have not quite come to terms that I have other options available to me, since financial stability is a concern.

Rather ruined my mood really.

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