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Showing posts from August, 2010

Disturbing

I don't remember the thought process that led to my suicide attempt, although I remember the act and the lack of emotion involved. It is an unfortunate result of the retrograde amnesia you can get with some sleeping pills. For example I remember waking up late on thursday but nothing else of that day until the dramatic end. I do remember the act and I remember my brother finding me and driving me to the hospital. I remember being in the ER and talking to people, but not too much of what was said. I remember a co-worker visiting me the next day but not too much of that either.

So really I do not remember the most important parts. Only flashes of facts; concerns over work and the endlessness of chronic pain. Obviously, reading my post and the 'note' I thought it through and articulated it sufficiently. Afterwards though I was neither happy nor sad that I was disrupted (although now, man, am I glad my bro happened to be awake and happened to come into my computer room…

I'm alive...

The thing about the internet is that it sure makes suicide more dramatic. I rather think I wrote a fine suicide note all things considered. Made a fine attempt too.

I may have chronic pain but I am not depressed. Sometimes we handle the pain and sometimes it handles us. Sometimes it is easier not to think about it so it is not so real and endless. Sometimes while I am at work and that pain is arching through me I feel like weeping and have to choke back sobs.... is that depression or is that simply a reaction to being in pain and trying not to show it? Does it really matter? Is my invisible disability not as worthy as a visible disability or more known illness? hell, after all this time enduring is this even surprising or is it simply inevitable?

I got caught in one of those dangerous moments. Where I am not upset but I can't imagine or conceive of living a moment more of that agony. A very dangerous moment because it is easy to just do it then... and that is that... no …

This is that- The end- Story over

I think it is very important to state that this was a post I made prior to a suicide attempt. And obviously I did survive luckily. And I am leaving it on here because it reminds me of my mindset.


Time for plan B. Plan B takes a lot of time to prepare sooo I will just go with the standard good byes. I can cope like the best of us. But at work, where i feel diminished  ashamed about my own illness, hurt about how management only cares that I am there and not about the pain they are causing me. Granted all this pain, plus work, plus lack of sleep is not putting me in the right mind. But I am tired and the thought of going to work with list pain one more time freaks me out. I can't do it anymore.

So suicide note:

It’s not you its me. It is not about some sort of depression or ennui that comes and goes. I am not depressed, I am just shoved into a corner. This about the loss of hope. This as about a workplace that would get up a cheer if your quite (not the workers... the mana…

wwll I rook e40 sleepimh pills

I cna'r stop the pain. i can;t sufered through the pain anymore a work. cna' face work after thar miss ed day, or the lecre of how crapy crappu im a m role. How evrtyinh i do s sub par

Ad i haev not sleept fro weeks... the pain won'tlet me... I just wan to esleep for awhile. Maye months. So I took 40 fleepimh pills and hoepinhfor s coma. coma would ne wundeeful.

But of id i axidentalu die.. no loss

I`d like to cremated if that happemé or in the lowersr cost coffim tjeu provide

My senses decieve me...

Well, if seeing is believing and perception is reality... then, man, is it extremely sparkly out today! For the last week I have had intense-er visual snow going on, such that it is dang hard to see without my sunglasses outside and now even inside it getting distorted. Usually it is just like a million bajillion pin prick sparks of white with a few black and blue ones in there. But the more intense it gets, the more it looks like thick sparkles that wobble into snake like lines. I keep staring off into space because they are very distracting.

To make my senses completely out of whack I have been getting bad ringing in my ears with the migraines and today it changed to a wierd waaooh noise.

Which just goes to show you even when you treat a nasty migraine at noon, the fun migraine effects dont always go away themselves.