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Showing posts from October, 2010

Victory is mine! Or not.

I think the one thing that holds me back with coping with chronic pain over all is that I can't win. If I lose a limb, that would suck, but then I would be challenged to learn how to cope and then in the end I would, I would get my victory and be damn proud of my accomplishment. With chronic pain there is no end and so there is no victory. There are the things like being proud that we are able to work, but then there is also the whack load of guilt when you are not able to.

If I follow the path and do all the techniques that might help me survive chronic pain better then all I am doing is learning how to lie better. Fooling others into believing I am not suffering as much as I am, and that is no real victory to me, since silience takes a huge toll on us as well. So I am resistent to these suggestions that I need to change my lifestyle in order to cope better. First of all it is like blaming the patient... if they are not doing all the work that they should be doing, having no vic…


William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Nightmares are really starting to irk me

I get the sort of nightmares brought on by sleep paralysis, mostly because sleep paralysis freaks me out. So sometime during the night, I feel awake, but then realize I can't move and then I freak out and wake myself up. Sometimes more than once a night. Thing is now when I fall asleep I dream I am awake, but that something feels wrong, everything is off, which freaks me out and I try to get up, realize I can't move, or move sluggishly, and then freak out and litterally yank myself awake. Honestly this is becoming so frequent my nightmare of waking up, but being lucid dreaming and aware of my inability to move, is rather causing worse sleep problems than my insomnia. Because once I wrench myself awake, it is hard to fall back to sleep. Also since if I do fall back to sleep right away, the same thing tends to happen. Today I wrenched myself awake and swear I saw this shadowy figure standing by the bed, leaning inward... which seriously freaked me out, such that I had to g…

How to be a Hermit

1) Avoid sunlight: Sunlight is evil, but besides that fact, if you avoid sunlight you will avoid 90% of people. In fact, if in contact with sunlight, squint, look confused and possibly scream.

2) Do not leave the house: Your house is your cave. You can randomly heckle or rant at people that come to the door, in fact it is recommended, but do not leave unless in dire need.

3) Do not answer the phone: Lets face it, if you are a good hermit, the only person calling are telemarketers anyway. If you do feel impelled to answer the phone, then feel free to engage the telemarketer in a random conversation about religion, politics and anything that is highly opinionated.

4) Develop good ranting skills: This is a necessary asset to any hermit. Get your rant on about anything, but mostly about 'Those People' and 'The Man' and 'Others'.

5) Act crazy or confused when in contact with 'them' or the 'others': This means basically anyone that is not lik…

A little cognitive therapy to get your happiness on

Here is the thing about cognitive therapy, we create our own reality and how we react to situations and stress. Unfortunately, we do most of this on automatic pilot. It is all habitual responses we have taught ourselves over time that we just spew out without thinking about it. In order to treat depression we have to be mindful of the thought patterns we already have and eventually override them.

'The flowers are bright, but the person's mind is dark'. Reality is purely subjective. One can choose a pessimistic viewpoint on an absolutely bright and sunny day, while another person can see beauty in spite of the darkest clouds. This applies in every aspect. The first thing the person must do is embrace the experience of depression. Depression does not occur because of some outside circumstance. It occurs internally, when the body and mind have developed a negative disposition.

Depression is closely linked to the conditions of anguish and anxiety. The person is not conscious…

Label me not

Alright, I admit I do engage in a little sucidal ideation and, yeah, I did actual try to commit suicide but despite those rather obvious points I refuse to be labeled 'Depressed'. Naturally I can spit out some impressive rationlizations...

1) Coping is not a linear process with a beginning and an end, an end that sits us in 'acceptance' for the remainder of our chronic pain existence. It is a process which fluctuates, sometimes we stick in one stage longer than another, but we will never reach a perfect state of acceptance. Thusly, while I admit to being depressed sometimes, I would hardly say all the time.

2) Migraines affect mood. So while I may be melencholy prior to a migraine, or irrationally and extremely depressed while in a full blown acute migraine... when the migraine is gone the mood is gone. I also get hypomanic before a migraine, but no one would label me manic.

So nice rationalizations. Sometimes I impress myself with my own self denial. But re…

Hermit or Argophobic?

My shrink says I am literally on my way to becoming agoraphobic, rather than a hermit that prefers her own company.  Which is entirely true.  For two reasons really.  One being, I am a reserved and introspective person that really is quite fine by myself and enjoys a lot of hobbies that are solitary.  A social butterfly would have troubles becoming reclusive, whereas I find it all to easy.  Secondly, I have trained myself quite well to be this way as a naturally pain avoidance.  You trim the fat off your life, and maybe those elements of socialization and exercise are important, but not as important as surviving the work day.  So out of necessity you get rid of them without thinking about the positive effects they had on your life at the time.  Then there is the fact you can't do things like that on a routine basis because pain disrupts routines of any sort.  And you can't make plans do do things because pain gets in the way of that as well.  Then it sort of sneaks up on you t…

FMS remission or cure?

My shrink made an off hand comment that I had never before heard, nor can I verify it via my googling abilities... she said Fibromyalgia disappears over time.  It floored me.  First of all, news to me.  Secondly, she had no verification and I don't think people, let alone shrinks, should be tossing statements like that around without solid referenced proof... it is called giving people false hope.  I said my FMS does not bother me much as long as I don't bother it, sure many of the symptoms flare up and cause a lot of trouble and sure I can't sleep normally if my life depended on it, but the pain is tolerable in comparison to the chronic migraines.  Pain is all relative after all.  That is not to say that the pain of FMS does not flare up like a sonofagun and can even make it difficult to walk or move my arms or wrists, but day to day, it is well within tolerable limits.

I cannot find any reference to FMS just going away.  I know there is no cure.  I know it can go into re…

I am Humpty Dumpty

Like Humpty Dumpty, I have spent decades teetering on the edge of a wall.  Occasionally I would find balance but sometimes I felt like I was going to fall, sometimes I felt like I was falling, but then I would hit that delicate balance again.  Yet I felt confident I would stay on that wall, not thinking that one strong push by a wind and I would topple over.  Work was that wind.  Unanticipated stress from an employer that destroyed me ability to cope by taking away my self respect, my self confidence, my pride in my work, my self esteem.  Those upper people who did not know me and did not know how carefully I sat on that wall and how proud I was to be able to work wanted to push me to suddenly cure myself or leave.  Their threats succeeded because when I became diminished, afraid and ashamed to call in sick, when they took my choice to call in sick or push through the day, well, they obliterated my self worth and I knew I could not do it.  I could not be what they wanted.  I could not…

We need distraction

The theme of the October 2010 Headache & Migraine Disease Blog Carnival carnival will be "How do your hobbies help you cope with your headache disorder?"

Most people go through their day and are free in moments of silence to contemplate, ponder, worry and regret without the risk of these causing depression or suicidal tendancies.  Those of us with chronic pain really should worry about any lingering moment of silence by ourselves because thinking about pain, our future in pain and our past while in pain is really a bad idea... because, rather depressing.  So how do we avoid reality?  Many things.  Work- if you can.  Socialize- if you can.  Exersize- if you can.  Anything to fill in any moment of the day really.  One of the best things because it is relaxing as well as distracting is finding a hobby to engross yourself in.  Something that will consume any portion of the day you have left to yourself. 

My favorite hobby is creative writing because it has that element of esc…

I have to say I am a little annoyed with my shrink...

So far all the methods she has suggested to help me cope with pain are not news to me and have been tried at one time or another.  They are in fact some of those annoying suggestions you get from random people that suggests if you just alter your lifestyle you will presumably feel a whole lot better... even those the suggestions are things that 90% of the population does not do.  I suppose I could go around telling obese people to exercise cause it will make them feel better, but that might be ignoring a lot of what is going on and possibly a lot of physical problems.

Despite the fact the woman is looking at the problem from the angle of what can I do to help me in a very simplistic way, that does not mean I am not going to do it.  Just means I am a little ticked thats what she came up with.  Like its original.  Like its a news to me.

First I am doing the regular sleep cyle thing with the early morning waking bit.  So far, lots of no sleeping and then last night a killer migraine that…