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Back to the grind

Monday will be the first day back to full time hours at work.  It is still morbidly funny that a suicide attempt gets you a three month respite but little else.  How much more clear do I need to be to doctors that I need some serious pain relief or a pain management program?  So it is a little surreal to be back to work full time, with my employer expecting me to not miss any work again and my doctors doing nothing more to assist me.  Which has naturally caused me to revert to my former mindset of masking the pain as best as possible, get through the day in whatever way I can and just keep pushing through the pain hoping this time it will not break me.  I seem to be handling the pain well... it is just a case of it is worse being at work, and yes, I have to take more medication to get through the day, and no, I can't exersize while working.  I am just doing the best I can given the circumstances.  I find getting back into the groove of work is a nice distraction, but some days it is simply torture.  My boss keeps asking me if I think I can handle it and that is useless because the choice was taken from me so I say I can, and I will, until I can't.  It is not the short term that is a problem... it is how I will feel about the situation six months from now or a year from now.  Right now I seem to be doing all right... unless I think about it.  Thinking about chronic pain is a slippery slope into dark thoughts.  Best not to think.  So when not at work I am distracting myself with books and creative writing.

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