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Such as it is

I have successfully completed two full weeks of work, possibly a little more given I don't quite remember how long it has been and there were also those two weeks of three days a week only. Quite the accomplishment really. At least I am sure my boss thinks so, but really it is just that after having a break and a mental snap I feel ready to combat once again. At least mentally ready. Emotionally volatile but ready nevertheless. I would like to say these days went smoothly, but come on, honestly they were painful. Some extremely so. But there were some milder days which was nice. One day at a time seems to be working for me, as long as I do not think about the future at all and just aim for the weekend.

There was one day my car got stuck in the snow of our parking lot, which happens a lot. I had a consistently moderately painful migraine all day. It got sharper when I went outside, as it often does in the cruel cold weather. But I was on my way home and just wanted to get there. But I was stuck and trying to back the car out I had to do the over the shoulder checks quite a bit so that in the case the car had moved I would not plow into anyone. That there, the moving on the neck, caused the most extreme pain that kicked that migraine into uber severe mode. Nasty. Then I had to call my man to get me out and all I wanted to do was curl up into a little ball and hide from the pain.

Getting to work is an issue. Some of the drugs I am taking cause some severe morning grogginess. Makes me all zombie like. Sometimes I accidentally sleep in by hitting the snooze button on autopilot. That makes it all that much harder to have the will to get up and go when combined with that I have a morning migraine. But so far by grit and determination I have made it to work and once there I merely have to survive.

Migraines though are not so good for thinking I find. It is amazing how many mistakes I make and then have to correct. There is the pressure to make no mistakes on audit as well, which sucks because I know for a fact I am making them and that means I am not likely catching them all.

I am glad I am feeling a little better, most of the time. Because I know I have no power, my doctors have all the power and they don't always use it in my best interests. I am getting tired of trying really... clearly they must think I am able to cope so somehow I must figger out how. Coping one day is not the problem it is coping one month, one year, one decade that is the problem. It is continuing to go to work everyday no matter what. That is the war.
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The crowded me out of the brain. Making no room for anything else. Distraction was impossible. You feel almost frantic with the pain but must be still.

What do you do? To get through it when you have no distraction?

I ask me this as I am really in the depths of a 9 level frantic level of pain right now. Hoping maybe some writing will be a distraction, but it isn't. As I said, the pain crowds the brain. I have to focus real hard to write and my head isn't clear. Too much pain to focus well. Things become quite difficult to do. 

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But we are Immersed in the pain, we what do we do?
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