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Poor memory a defense mechanism? Maybe

It seems to me that my poor memory in some ways protects me from thinking about all that past pain.  Certainly thinking about future pain immediately puts me in a morose and fatalistic mood.  Just today I found myself thinking 'you do the crime and you do the time. failing to commit suicide would be the so-called crime and the the sentancing is life.'  Now that is negative.  But it is only then I stop and think and ponder and think more about the whole longevity of the situation.  Going day by day, with plenty of distractions means my mood is pretty much normal.  So thinking= bad.

It was one heck of a painful day yesterday and today.  My triptan did work today for about four hours but the migraine came back full strength, so really it just means the triptan helps me with part of the work day and little more than that.  So that kind of sucked.  And I think it is less about learning to cope with the pain and working and more about never letting myself think beyond surving This moment of pain and never letting myself think I have the possibility of calling in sick.  Which seems like denial of the situation, but the situation is that either I work full time or not at all and not at all is not an option... and as I said, thinking about that puts me in a bad mood.  Perhaps then I am denying the problem because I have no solution to the problem but to not think about it.  Unfortunately I am the sort of person that thinks a great deal, over thinks a great deal and I literally have to fill every gap in the day to prevent myself from pondering the long term consequences of working with chronic pain.  It certainly seems when I have time to think at night it tends to spiral into some serious negative thoughts, not nevessarily depressed ones, but definately pessamistic and fatalistic.

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