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The way it is

I know some people say they would not want to know the day they would die because they would not enjoy the time they had.  I beg to differ.  I wish we did come with an expiry date, just so I could know how much longer I am expected to be like this.   That at least would be a comfort.  This odd thought occurred to me when I thought about the thirty some years I have yet to go to retirement.

A co-worker and myself were complaining about medication and insurance today.  She is on long term leave for psychological problems... which I find typical... crazy gets you on leave easily but simple pain does not get you anywhere. Not that psychological problems are not extremely important to pay attention to and cannot be comorbid in fact, only that I find it disconcerting if you only have a great deal of pain you're 'good to go'.  We were mutually complaining though because the insurance company and payroll simply cannot manage to actually pay us. I'm back from a short term leave and being weaned into full-time hours and she is technically on long term leave but permitted to work a few hours a week.  As a result I earned a whopping 500 bucks for all of January and this payday was the same... so now they are behind by over 80 hours which will simply get worse now that I am back full time.  So not only do I have to endure work with constant migraines... but I am doing it for free too.  So incredibly frustrating.  Then I said it sure would be nice if all these medications I am taking would at the very least manage to do something, even a little something something.  It is frankly amazing that three preventatives, a pain killer and a triptan cannot help manage the pain nor make these migraines less frequent.  I think surely they must be doing Something, but it certainly does not feel that way.  My boss said she thought my eyes were clear today, so I did not look like I had a migraine and I thought to myself 'wow.  I have a killer migraine, but at least I don't Look like I do'.  Which either means my meds are helping me be clear headed or I am learning to lie better, more likely the former. Or perhaps it was just one of those really sharply painful migraines with less fogginess, where everything has a sharp edge to it.

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