I am rather enjoying this crappy weather

Even though I log for spring to finally fricken kick in, the loathsome weather has its perks.  First of all it is rather cloudy and cool, which makes my brain happy, but not too cold, which makes my brain cranky.  Srping used to be my fav time of the year, but that was before all the erratic weather played havoc with my brain and with FMS so now I would say it is early summer, when the weather becomes more stable and it is not too hot nor too cold, but just right.  So the lack of a real spring has put my head in a nice place.  I have definately had a reduced amount of migraines this month, excluding this week of hormonal migraine hell and lets face it hormonal migraines simply do not play by the rules.  This break in constant pain meant I reduced the amount of migraine treament medication quite dramatically... hell there were some days I was relatively drug free, excluding of course all the preventative medications.  Which suggests under ideal conditions with a lessoning of suffienent triggers these three migraine preventatives actually do something.  Of course one bright sunny day throws that to hell.  I need darker sunglasses and ones that are snug to the face so no sunlight goes around them because on a sunny day it is difficult to keep my eyes open because it is so painful and I have to advert my eyes to the ground but certainly it amps up the migraine or triggers one just the same.

If the world was fair we would all share great health

Life is suffering.  That is something I always retained from learning a little buddism.  And it is true in many ways from poor health to emotional strain.  No one said it was easy.  And no one gets out alive.  So I may have my ailments and they suck, others have theirs and they likely suck as well.  My man has his IBS and his stomach problems.  A friend at work likewise has similar problems to my man but maybe from a different cause.  And I do not envy them with their abdomenal complaints, as I know that is so not fun.  My father has FMS and did have his fair share of emotional problems dealing with it.  So yes, we all suffer or will in the future.

I noticed a skin abnormality a few months ago.  A large freckle the size of a dime, two smaller ones about twice the size of a normal freckle all in the same area and they certainly were not there before.  I have been thinking about asking my doctor about it but keep forgetting.  My bf says maybe it is skin cancer and I said maybe and isn't that damn ironic, because I loath the sun.  Here is the thing even though I have FMS, asthma, hypothyroidim and chronic migraines that does not mean I cannot get any other number of ailments.  You'd think it having all those illnesses would mean you ought not be able to get more, but that is just not so.  We do not get a decade imunity.  So in the end we all suffer with something or more than one something.  So maybe I do have skin cancer or some other condition, so I promised myself I will get it checked out, cause you never know.

Ah yes, work goals and ambitions

It is that time of the year to assess my skills and reflect on my career goals in order to have a productive conversation of said goals with my manager.  It is an amusing exercise from the get go.  My enduring ambition is simply to maintain full-time work and that is a damned hard goal to keep up with.  It is amusing because all the qualities that make me approachable to customers, my smile and humor and whatnot, are all simply my outward mask to get through the day.  Definitely genuine but still all part of the facade.  So of course there is that contrast: smile on the outside, scream on the inside.  Then there is the goals themselves as if I have been even capable of having any long term goals or career aspirations in a very long time.  Obviously I want to maintain the status quo, rather than go back to the hell of fearing I would lose my job altogether.  Yet with management it is best to talk the talk, which I do well enough.

Really though having the ambition to maintain my career and full time work is no small matter.  I was told not too long ago that I should not hold my self worth dependent on my job and yet don't we all?  We spend more time with co-workers than we do with family in a day, so we ought to enjoy the work, want to do it well and have a sense of pride in doing it well.  So of course it defines a significant part of who we are.  That is important enough to me.  Now, sure, I would say I am not an ambitious person but that is because I am not capable of being ambitious.  Because I am also defined by my illness and must abide its limitations or suffer the consequences.

I do fondly remember a time, when I simply dealt with chronic pain and not chronic migraines when I thought my illness did not define me and I could still do what I wanted to do as long as I acknowledged my limitations   Ah, what a sweet time that was.  I did not even refer to myself as disabled.  That was a very painful lesson to learn for certain, but nevertheless I always maintained that I could find a career, if not the one I had aimed for in my studies, then one that I could be motivated to do, engaged in and intellectually challenged.  And that is true, I can find such employment but maintaining it is a constant struggle.  No wonder I want to hold onto that one last ambition as long as I can... and save as much money as I can just in case that does not work for me.

This sort of thing reminds me how different my worldview is.  I can be determined, focused and positive all I want, but I must constantly be aware of the price of pain, pushing myself beyond my limits and acknowledging my goals may be simple but they are far harder to attain.

Deja vu all over again

I called in sick to work today.  I had very valid reasons for doing so and I only plan on using those sick days for extreme pain days, and not even all of those, plus strategically placing my vacation days to break up the year and give me a break from it all.  Now it is quite clear that no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how medically valid my sick days are, I am simply not allowed to take too many.  It does not matter that other people are allowed to, or can take days off if their children are sick or if their dog dies... because they are healthy and that is a right they have.  Which I think they should continue to have, but I also think I should as well without being made to feel like I just suddenly let down the whole fricken world, my employer, my co-workers for not being there one damned day.  I could seriously do without the guilt trip.  I get it.  Message received.  Ever since I had my epiphany after my suicide attempt that it really does not matter what I do or say things simply do not change, I have decided to just get through day by day.  Not exactly pain tolerance.  More like blind determination and convincing myself I can do one more day each morning.  So I get that my employer is not going to act or do anything differently, I am quite aware compromises are only made for the temporarily ill and the physically disabled and that somehow, even though my leave of absence was all about not wanting to kill myself my employer still seems to believe I must have had some sort of magical treatment before returning.  How idiotic is that?  Nevertheless, I am just trying to do what people want me to do.  But even I deserve to have a sick day once in awhile.  My track record has been pristine since my return and that there testifies to my overall determination and stupidity, so when my employer phoned this morning with that damned 'tone' in her voice I just wanted to find a way to get there and smack her silly.  It is not like she ever phones any other employee up when they call in sick and berate them for not coming in.  Like I seemed to get the pleasure of her telling me how much I am letting people down by not coming in, asking me just how bad my migraine can be and a few times simply guilting me into coming in anyway.  You'd think when one of your employees tries to off themselves you might try a different approach.  But nope.  Same deal.  Damn she makes me feel like a damned child playing hooky from school for no reason at all rather than a full grown adult desperately trying to hold onto stable income despite everything.  And damned if I am going to take that all again lying down.  She even so much as comments on this one damned sick day I will make sure she is very careful about doing it again.  I do not care too much for the threats I will lose my job when I am at my worst health wise.  And I do not care to be made to feel so horrible for taking care of myself.

Once again it is all about pain behaviors.

A coworker said to me to today 'so your migraines are back again, eh?'.  I wonder where they had went because certainly I would have been the first to notice.  So I said, 'They never went anywhere.  Same old same old.'  She went on to ask if my employer could do anything to which I said, 'Yeah, no.  To them it is either I am here all the time or not at all.  My doctor has the call on the not at all part.  They skip my vote.'  Then I stopped talking about it because I cannot face the realness of the situation.  Better to be confined to the moment, not thinking about the past or future, just that specific day.  People do not want me to answer honestly.  It would not be a pleasant conversation for either of us.  With my lack of a veto vote regarding my own survival I find no reason to remark about something I have no ability to change.  And thus just like magic simply because I force myself to go to work, because of course I lack the option to call in sick, and just because I do not mention how much pain I am in because it makes absolutely no difference, well then, I must be cured.  I must not be in pain at all because I show no outward signs of it.  What part of 'chronic' do they no get?  There is no magic pill.  There is no exit strategy.  It is what it is when I am quiet and when I am not.  Frankly I am still so frustrated with the fact I get no say in my health, my life, my very survival that I have been less inclined to mention it.  I might as well scream at the sun to stop shining.  Why would I want to talk about my lack of options or mention how much pain I am in that I can do absolutely nothing about?  It upsets me to talk about it.  Plain and simple.  I just want to stay in survival mode just a bit longer until I get the confidence to say I want to survive and actually mean it.

What is up with that anyway?  You mention your pain and you are complaining.  You don't mention it and you are cured.

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...