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Deja vu all over again

I called in sick to work today.  I had very valid reasons for doing so and I only plan on using those sick days for extreme pain days, and not even all of those, plus strategically placing my vacation days to break up the year and give me a break from it all.  Now it is quite clear that no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how medically valid my sick days are, I am simply not allowed to take too many.  It does not matter that other people are allowed to, or can take days off if their children are sick or if their dog dies... because they are healthy and that is a right they have.  Which I think they should continue to have, but I also think I should as well without being made to feel like I just suddenly let down the whole fricken world, my employer, my co-workers for not being there one damned day.  I could seriously do without the guilt trip.  I get it.  Message received.  Ever since I had my epiphany after my suicide attempt that it really does not matter what I do or say things simply do not change, I have decided to just get through day by day.  Not exactly pain tolerance.  More like blind determination and convincing myself I can do one more day each morning.  So I get that my employer is not going to act or do anything differently, I am quite aware compromises are only made for the temporarily ill and the physically disabled and that somehow, even though my leave of absence was all about not wanting to kill myself my employer still seems to believe I must have had some sort of magical treatment before returning.  How idiotic is that?  Nevertheless, I am just trying to do what people want me to do.  But even I deserve to have a sick day once in awhile.  My track record has been pristine since my return and that there testifies to my overall determination and stupidity, so when my employer phoned this morning with that damned 'tone' in her voice I just wanted to find a way to get there and smack her silly.  It is not like she ever phones any other employee up when they call in sick and berate them for not coming in.  Like I seemed to get the pleasure of her telling me how much I am letting people down by not coming in, asking me just how bad my migraine can be and a few times simply guilting me into coming in anyway.  You'd think when one of your employees tries to off themselves you might try a different approach.  But nope.  Same deal.  Damn she makes me feel like a damned child playing hooky from school for no reason at all rather than a full grown adult desperately trying to hold onto stable income despite everything.  And damned if I am going to take that all again lying down.  She even so much as comments on this one damned sick day I will make sure she is very careful about doing it again.  I do not care too much for the threats I will lose my job when I am at my worst health wise.  And I do not care to be made to feel so horrible for taking care of myself.

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