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Life can be such a contradiction

I am going to go for work training for a position I was supposed to do years ago but got canceled due to one leave of absence or another.  I want to get it done because doing the job I am now which is the same in every way except for one small difference I get paid less while other people with no experience get hired for the higher position with the higher wage while they take their time to do the training.  No fault of theirs though, just idiotic work decision making there but rather irks me.  Yet who am I to complain?  I am just that less dependable person who works great when I am there but is not considered to be good employee material due to having the audacity in having a chronic condition.  I feel like I do not have the right to complain or make demands.  Like even I blame myself for my illness, which is just plain stupid.  I know I should have made a formal complaint in how I was treated in the times when I was not doing very well physically and they liked to kick me when I was down but I never did.  Not even when it almost killed me.  While I hold myself accountable for every single thing I cannot do or do not do well enough I never held them accountable for the emotional havoc they put me through that made everything so much worse.  I am still tempted to, because I do not want anyone to ever go though what I did because someone does not have the proper training to handle a chronically ill staff member, but I always fail to do so because I do not want to make a fuss and I do not want to adversely affect someone else's career when that error only affected me, no matter the consequences of that.  Odd that I can be sympathetic, not want to cause another person to suffer in any way and can forgive so easily when I was not shown such consideration.  My point is, I do want to get this training done.  It is achievable.  It is a short term goal.  And that is about as far as I can allow myself to have any ambitions at all.

It will not however make my work situation any better, but nor will it make it any worse.  In fact like every single thing since last year and my suicide attempt this is simply a reflection of how absolutely nothing changes.  Now it must be pointed out that my boss had to push to get me to go to this training, despite the fact I was set to go to it before but had been demoted instead.  And I find that a little insulting really.  I mean I am glad she went to the effort, despite past errors on her part, but it makes me cranky that my employer seems to think a disability is some sort of personal failing on my part.  Yet they proclaim otherwise in their promotions, just don't walk the walk.  What is sad about all this is not that my employer really tried to screw me over in the past, because that is hardly a surprise (I'm sure many of us have similar stories about their disability in the workforce), but rather that I feel there is no point in trying to change their perspective.  Or anyone's.  That the fight to say my needs count for something, that I have just as many rights as everyone else, that my suffering is not tolerable... is simply no longer there.  Sure I survived my own attempt at ending the pain for good, but it was horrific to know how little that changed anything.  It is easier to endure even the most severe of migraines for eight hours any way I can rather than call in sick and ensure the guilt placed on me for 'missing' work, for 'failing' my co-workers and customers.  I think it was nice before when at least I had that glimmer of hope some medication would work, that my doctors would understand my suffering and also think it was intolerable it was ignored or that work would compromise with me like they would for anyone else with a 'visible' disability. And I don't even have the mental energy to be depressed that is the case or to strive to make it any different.  My doctor wants me to check in with my neuro and I simply do not see the point... he messes with my meds and it could dramatically effect my pain levels and desire to continue to survive and if I am not sick 'enough' to qualify for some consideration to make my life just a little teensy bit freakin easier then what is the point of screaming when no once can hear you?  It is like one of those horrific sleep paralysis dreams but in real life.  It is like bashing your head into a wall repeatedly... it will just cause you pain and the wall will not give.  So it is less emotionally painful to do what others want me to do, as best I can, so I can suffer in peace at night and not have to fight every single person for just a hint of a chance to make it slightly better.  I am out of my depressive funk but still ambivalent to my own survival.  Since apparently there are no compromises and the patients opinion does not count and it is frowned upon to have an exit strategy I find myself giving up on others because they will never get it but maybe I can find a Migraine Canadian charity to help out with so that maybe others will not become so disillusioned and we will not lose any more of us to suicide.

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The crowded me out of the brain. Making no room for anything else. Distraction was impossible. You feel almost frantic with the pain but must be still.

What do you do? To get through it when you have no distraction?

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