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My Birthday next week

I actually forgot about it, but maybe that is because I have been focused on getting through the day more so then any specific day coming up.  Still, nice to know I survived another year, which is always a pleasant surprise.  Thinking on that I went through my old journals, just to remember some things, since that is why I was journaling... to remmeber things.  It reminded how insanely inexperienced I was when I was younger, even though at the time I suppose all that drama was important.  There was some good stuff in there, some painful stuff and a lot inbetween, but what stuck out the most was that I could literally see the decline in my health as I progressed through the years.  Back when I was optimistic and surely thought it would all get better.  Of course it didn't and I could see the battles I had with that realization and all the little compramises and sacrifices I made along the way.  I could see the pain winning inch by inch.  Until it reached that point where there was nothing to write about except that battle with endless pain because that was my life.  Is my life.  It does not matter if I am having an awesome day or a bad day, taking a great holiday or just slacking around the house, that pain battle is hovering in the background like constant brain static.  Effecting every choice I make.  So that is what sucked the most.  Because no matter what choices you make, what compramises you make, to ease the pain a bit you ought to be able to find contentment and happiness in everyday events, social activites and hobbies.  Have a fullfilled life in other areas.  While I think that is possibly an attainable goal, assuming I could ever find the energy after work to actually do something, it is clearly not something that is reflected in my personal history.  What I see is someone retreating more and more, just trying to stay above water, and becoming a hermit.  Surviving, mostly.  Surviving because I still had a few lingering dreams and hopes which were obliterated last year, which has left a void I still struggle to fill somehow.  And I think what a moron that shrink was to imply I could fullfill some of my wants when that there was unrealistic and rather cruel to imply when it was not true.  However, as I said we can survive and endure with the simple things, we just have to find the things that do not add stress and make us happy just by doing them.  But damn that is hard.  I was thinking of making a Bucket list of things I would like to do, to experience, just to give me reason to anticipate the future... but I am drawing a real blank on it.  Except that I want a tattoo.

Anyway I was thinking it should not be so hard to find a little peace despite our health issues.  Obviously we cannot deny those health issues since they have a way of reminding us they are there.  Obviously that does limit some options in our lives.  But it should not control our lives until we are just consumed with the idea of surviving.  I know when I was off work, blissfully, I got a great deal of enjoyment from writing essays and papers to post on those sites like Hubpages and Bukisa, as well as of course, my enjoyment of creative writing.  And I think it would be a good idea to direct my free time in this area because it makes me happy and not because I will get any tangible reward from it.  And that there is a start.  The largest obstacle to this task is the fatigue I feel after work and the grogginess I get once I take my Elivil at night.  Sucks the brain power right out of me.  Unfortunately, Elivil added to my other two preventatives works just enough to make it worth while to stay on it so I have to work on my motivation to do something, anything, besides the effort it takes to endure work.
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