Reflecting on positive wish fullfillment

Perhaps you have heard of the pseudo-psychology-philosophy that what you will out to the universe can be manifested.  Obviously I am a tad skeptical of that movement, but I am well aware of the power of positive thinking.  Sure I like to get a good rant on to vent my frustrations  (damn you unfair world, body, indifferent doctors, work...).  Ignoring other people, workplaces, society and the medical community and just focusing on the essence of our personal well-being and emotional health does this idea that it is possible for us to get effective treatment long term, that there is hope of that, a viable strategy?  Obviously there was a time when I did not think so and not having that killed my will to survive.  I literally did not see the point of a pain filled existence, of a torment without end... seemed rather cruel for people to expect me to endure that.  I often hear people with chronic pain say they are existing, not living and I agree, once all facets of my life were cut away to merely survive then that is all there is and obviously hope that it will not persist is vital.  So there was a time when I not only believed I was merely existing but that my existence resembled a nightmare.  Just like a nightmare I flailed around alone, unable to alter the terror of the situation, unable to scream for help with people unwilling to help and just essentially trapped in this timeless state of struggle and pain.

I don't think I can say with a straight face that it is in face probable that I will ever get effective treatment and so I choose not to think about the future at all and I choose to continue this existence for others.  And that really is ignoring that core sense of well-being I am referring to, that is beyond the outside world and is something that can only be created and held onto within.  Yet, I know I can be in pain and be happy.  I know that I can get satisfaction from small successes.  I know that not achieving great things is not a great sin.  I know what it feels like to accept my limitations.  All that is possible without hope of relief and that sounds quite a bit like defeat and going through the motions.  Sounds like hope of a better future is necessary to our will to survive.  I think that even if all reason and experience suggests things will not get better, physically wise, that we ought to lie to ourselves and believe that is possible that it will.  Even if we believe it is not possible we ought to lie and lie until we believe the lie.  Because once we grasp that hope again, throw that positive thinking out into the universe, that even if it never happens the belief will be what makes us want to persist and enjoy all the possibilities we actually do have, thus improving our quality of life despite the pain.  We all experience depression now and again, anger, frustration,  guilt and acceptance... but going through that continual process wears us down if we do not think their is the potential of improvement.

I was thinking about this because I do not lie to myself very well these days.  Enough to get me going.  I say to myself today will not be that bad, which gets me out of bed and even if it does get bad or worse I then only have to make it through work.  A small enough lie to get me up and about.  And since I have been trying to exercise on the Wii I lie to myself and say the pain from FMS will eventually diminish once I develop some muscle... but obviously since the brain is running that show it is just another fabrication to ensure I continue the process.  But I have not been able to get that hope back.  Sometimes I would lose that hope for a few months as I was defeated by the pain, but it would come back as I got some fight back in me.  I know I do not have it back because I know I cannot think about the pain too much or my thoughts turn negative, which does not help me survive.  And I know when someone asks me honestly how I do what I do, I cannot look them in the eye and answer honestly.  But I am surviving and that is saying something there.  I just think to do more than merely survive we need that carrot dangled before us, to push us to continue, even if it is a useful fiction.  It is obvious that no one else is going to help us and in fact people can make things so much worse so very easily, but really people can survive the most horrific of ordeals if they believe it is only for a short time.  After all, I do remember doctors telling me they literally could do nothing for me and that I would just have to get used to it... idiot doctors, but still the point is I remember the crushing despair when I heard those words because they destroyed my hope that a medical professional would be helpful, or at least willing to try.  That is how easy it is to snuff the belief in the possible and a future.  So I actually think that while I am in emotional limbo right now that belief in a better future is what helps us cope in the end.
Post a Comment

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...