A little on suicide and migraines

Been there, tried that but no one gave me a T-shirt. I was reading a point about this topic and obviously I have already written some on it given I tried to commit suicide last year. (http://flywithhope.blogspot.com/2011/07/migraine-and-suicide.html)

I am completely willing to talk about it because I refuse to be ashamed about it. I also refuse to be labelled as anything. When it involves chronic pain and suididial thoughts or actions the so not very suprising thing is it is all about the pain. It is losing hope that the pain will ever end. When I get depressed it is because I stop and think about another decade or two being just like the decade I passed. I cannot bear the load of all that suffering, which is why I no longer think about the future at all. Day by day. No goals, ambitions or dreams. Getting to work is a victory.

It is perfectly natural to have suicidal ideation or thinking about it when we are alwasy suffering. I had years of times like that where I would think about it and just the fact the possibility exsited, an exit strategy would make me feel better.

What changed to bring me from thought to action was a bad situation. A situation that broke the camels back. One: I was suffering a five day status migraine, ran out of ways to treat it and was not sleeping at all or very little. That made me emotionally vulnerable. It made me wish I would have a stroke so I did not have to go to work, a stroke would surely get me a couple of days off? That was a normal thought to have, I'd often wished for a stroke or heart attack to give me a break from working with migraines. That set the mood. What set the scene was an employer who would not compramises, no matter how many suggestions I made, they threaten to fire me, suggested I resign and in this case said they would demonte me to a position that would be harder for me to work, but easier to fire me for other reasons. So I promised I would come in every day no matter what until my neuro appointment. Well, that status migraine ruined that idea. I was incapable of coming in to work, I could not comprehend of going to work in that much agony. I could not bear the thought of the consequences of not going to work, the guilt the work demotion. So I took forty sleeping pills aiming for a coma. That did not work so I sliced up my wrists.

I survived, they stiched up my wrists, sent me to a useless shrink then back to work. Work was just as uncompramising, so same situation. My doctor and neuro still would not put me on long term leave, so same situation there. So really everything changed and yet everything remained the same.

I thought suicide was reasonable choice. Firstly, If I worked I suffered, if I did not work I was always being threatened with losing my job. I had no life after work because I was incaple of anything after enduring that. Considering I have optimistically thirty or more years to live, it seemed reasonable a person would not want to endure thirty more years of all that suffering. I knew my family would mourn and I wrote a suicide note telling them they could not blame themselves because this was about pain not life. I also thought it was ressonable because I am functionally useless. Eventually I will lose my job and be a liability to my spouse, whereas if I died he would get life insurance which would provide for him more than I'd be able to. Also I have a non-life. It is about getting through the pain so I can get home. It would be a benifit to my spouse because he could find someone who was not dependant on him, that could go out and do things. And honestly I thought I was a liability not an asset. My existence of pain was useless. I did nothing, it was insignificant and there would be no differece in the world if I was gone.

Afterwards I rememeber I was more upset I hurt my family than glad I survived. now I survive so I won't hurt them, but really I am ambivelent about my survival. Going from thought to action only takes on bad pain day and one bad situation. It is easy. Far too easy. I worried after that I could lose myself in the pain again and make the same choices, because I am in exactly the same situation. I remember thinking how horrific it was that someone tries to kill themselves and still the work place will my not compramises, still my doctors offer no better ways to manage pain so I can get to work, still my doctors do not think I am sick enough to go on long term leave. It literally changed nothing. It reminded me of sleep paralysis dreams: no matter how much I struggled I could not move, no matter how loud I screamed I could not be heard.

It is a crime that we lose so many people from suicide, far more than those of us who have strokes because of migraines. We are literally killing ourselves off because we are not getting adequate pain managment. Or working when we should not be. No one seems to understand the price we pay for enduring our pain and the cost it has to our emoltional and mental stability. I often say I would rather have something like cancer where either I die, problem solved, or I am cured, problem solved. The issue is treatment that is effective is hard to find, effective medications do not stay effective and there is no end. How I was treated by my employer disgusts me and now they are all happy I am making it to work most of the time (one day a month for sick days)... but I am doing it because people want me to, does not mean the suffering is not horrific. I so so because I know they do not have my back when things get worse, so I have to suffer more to keep my job.

So I survived. Yay me. Hopefully I will continue to survive. It is a long, drawn out war and I can't win every battle. I think we have to be open and honest about the cost of chronic pain, because we do not need any more casualties in this war. Too many have died already. We need to bring awareness whenever we can however we can.
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