Skip to main content

I loath brainless days

Yeah, I actually had a post written up... not just the title there... but the reason it did not show is a prime example of my mental capacity this month.  I have become increasingly frustrated with these lapses of mental functioning such that I acknowledge I do need to contact my neurologist because, damn, a month of acute migraines is really messing with my head.

Now, sure, there are days when you have a migraine and you are so mucked up, groggy and fuzzy headed you are very aware you are making mistakes... some you catch and some you don't, but there are loads of typos, data entry issues, spelling, speaking, writing.  It is extremely frustrating and makes work that much more stressful and taxing but at least you are aware your brain is compromised and it is going to take more effort than usual to accomplish simple tasks.  Just the way is.  Another day in chronic migraine hell.  In fact if it were not for the varied, complex and disturbing neurological symptoms of a migraine then it would just be a really, really bad headache.  It is difficult having troubles with balance, seeing, feeling, thinking and whatnot added to the pain and nausea.

What I hate more than that is when I get to that point where my brain is literally playing tricks on me and I cannot trust a damn thing I think to be true.  One example is a simple but pretty clear one to use.  I know right from left but ninety percent of the time if asked for directions or say right or left I am backwards.  I point right and say left.  I say left and mean right.  Automatically.  I now have to stop and think about it and how I do this is I move my right hand and think 'I am right handed so this is right' and then I know what is what.  But the automatic response is the wrong one.  In cases like this it is not what I know, or don't know, it is what knowledge I can retrieve and whether it can be validated.  Unfortunately, my brain does just randomly decide some things are fact and I act automatically on this knowledge like I would with any fact and I am wrong over and over, until I catch the glitch and realize somewhere along the way my brain just mucked it up.  Which has led to some errors at work that are a great deal more problematic than my typos.

It made me upset on Friday when I caught one of these arbitrary incorrect facts and had to check my whole year of similar transactions where I used that fact in order to find when and how many times I made that error.  Thankfully it started in August and it was only a few times.  One day when I was chatting with a customer I was confused on whether a certain procedure for a product had begun in 2008 or 2009... I muddled through it and decided 2008, but this was a bad pain day and I knew I was not thinking straight.  Does not matter because after that my brain just assumed that new fact was what was right and I never thought about it again until I realized it was wrong.  It is insanely frustrating to know that sometimes my brain is all in line and despite the pain I can think straight but other times I have extreme difficulties and other times I don't realize my brain is messing with me at all.

I honestly do not know how long I can keep this up.  So, obviously, if I am thinking I am having troubles with the pain this month and more troubles with functioning with a migraine I ought to chat with my neuro before it gets worse.  Because if it gets worse, then my employer's attitude will get worse, I will get stressed out and emotion and then no one wins in that situation.  I have some honest fears with contact my neuro, because medication changes can be for the worse and I don't want to deal with how work gets when I am worse.  There is an underlying concern though and that is I don't know what my neuro will do when I chat with him, but it is entirely possible he will not be able to do anything to make things better than they are... and I just don't want to know that fact.
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Signs the pain is getting the best of you

100 Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

There was a site that had this and I had linked to it on Tumblr but it is gone. So I had to hunt down someone who found my post and posted the whole thing in a forum. Anyway it is around but I'm posting it here so I will not have to hunt it down to reference it. Now we all know the major symptoms are the wide-spread pain, but our pain isn't just muscle pain... it can be nerve types of pain as well, and the fatigue and the insomnia. And even among symptoms there are some far more frequent than others, but it should be said we have categories... like the cognitive dysfunction, which is a broad one that has more than one symptom and we often just say fibrofog. The insomnia... more than one sleeping disorder. So the list is interesting.

__ Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
__ Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
__ Recurrent flu-like illness
__ Sore throat
__ Hoarseness
__ Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especiall…

When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say 'not bad', because I feel it is slightly more honest than 'good' or 'fine'. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons. 

I'm having a good pain day: They happen and I'll say that I'm good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things... in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it. I just don't want to explain: I just don't want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is a FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM…