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Migraine crunch time

What a bad migraine week. Mostly because I had a crappy migraine weekend which pretty much guarantees a rather cruddy week. Ironic that I have had a few people tell me how well I am doing. 'But you don't look sick' syndrome to the nth degree. Although relatively speaking I am doing better... because of course I am not so traumatized with pain that I have an active death wish. And I am not indulging in optimism or hope, which then lead to disillusionment and frustration. But better? Not really a word I would use. Yes, I have decided that suffering through work is in fact easier than dealing with my employer when I cannot work, due to the emotional and mental strain. I have decided this in the past though, more than once, and usually the pain wins because for some odd reason it does not like to be ignored. Still for a little bit I can just not think about how much it sucks, just sort of numb it out for a bit and so while I may not be better in any sense, I do at least appear more functional. And functional is what most people classify as good enough anyway. Although, I do rather dislike it when mention it because it seems to minimize the strain I am under by trying to do what is required of me. Sort of like the battle does not matter, as long as I am present and accounted for. Especially since I know how difficult it is to maintain. And of course the knowledge, but not to be dwelled upon fact, that I have to maintain. I bought a T-shirt that says 'When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die'... I take comfort in that.

Unfortunately, given I am at about twenty five migraines a month and the statistical impossibility of effectively treating each of those I am actually over medicating in order to get to work and actually to think through the pain. It used to be I would take a painkiller to just dull the edge of the pain so it would go from an 9 to a 7 and just get though it till I could get home and aim to sleep it off. When in fact by not treating it aggressively enough seems to ensure it will endure longer, due to being constantly afflicted with light and having to move. So maybe 'barely able' to function is not good enough when treating pain. With my new policy of never calling in sick, except once every two months as to not rile up the boss, well, takes a bit more to manage the pain, because the pain is more intense and enduring. So maybe better just means more drugged up. Sort of better I guess. I discovered that an all out screaming intense acute migraine like I had today can be significantly dampened by a tramacet in the morning, a maxalt in the afternoon and a T3 for the evening... not eliminated, but definitely dampened. Still all the hours in-between rather sucked. These hormonal migraine weeks are all about trying to dampen the pain because the migraine is not going anywhere until it is damn well ready. I have to argue with myself when deciding how to treat every migraine. Like being stoic about a certain level of pain is some sort of success when in fact I am just making it that much harder to get through the day. Unfortunately, with the way doctors view chronic pain you can't always treat it effectively enough especially when that treatment can be taken away on a moments notice, so being stoic to moderate to severe pain comes in handy. Better than having well managed pain... and then suddenly not. Its like a pain free day... I am sure they exist, or at least the concept is somewhat plausible. So you have one blissfully pain free day. You can move freely. Prance around in the sunshine. Think clearly. All the good stuff and maybe some cotton candy too. Then Bam next day untreated acute pain. It is the difference that you will feel in that moment. Whereas  dealing with moderate pain all the time and then jumping to acute pain, is just tweaking your mentality to that survival mode of 'just get through it and it will all be better, even if past experience completely contradicts this fact'. This is why I think I spoiled myself last year. By thinking that when I was in severe pain I should not have to go to work. That I should take care of myself first. That my health means more than my job. All those lies. And it was awesome to be able to suffer in peace and quiet and darkness. You really cannot ignore the awesomeness of being able to just Be when in that much pain. But what was not awesome was dealing with the fallout at work, the guilt and the level of pain I have to endure daily. For me there will always be pain, 90% of the time some sort of migraine pain and even if I manage to get a day off from that there is always that baseline FMS pain. Moderate pain at work is worse than severe pain at home, because your constantly afflicted with stimulus that cannot be ignored. So by letting myself believe I could call in sick if I needed to made me call in sick more because, damn, it sure helped with the pain. Not calling in sick at all never gives me that break to remember how much better it is. I don't know. That does not sound right, but it's true.

You can't dwell on it though. Got to find ways to distract yourself from the pain and from the reality of it all. Logic is in fact your worst enemy. Because when you take emotion out of the equation and just look at the facts then you will realize your existence literally adversely affects everyone around you from co-workers, employers, family and loved ones and of course yourself. It is all the 'meaning' bit we ascribe to our existence to make it all worth while. Something worth living for. Some 'reason'. Fundamentally chronic pain gets to the point of 'how do I get through this day, this hour, this minute'. Nothing more than that. Mere survival for survival sake... or worse, survival to spare the feelings of others. What meaning is there to that? Just enduring all that pain. You don't get a prize for it that's for sure. Maybe in the end we get someone to write on our tombstone 'finally'. And working full-time makes the pain so much harder to tolerate and treat, but I seem to think that my suffering does not enter the equation since my working is what makes things easier for other people and less emotionally traumatic for me. So I guess I can feel useful. Is that the meaning of the pain filled life... sure moving, light, sound, breathing is really painful but at least I was useful. Because maybe without work I would really struggle to find any reason for my existence. So getting out of bed and going to work pays the bills and ensures people will not be pissed off at my gimpiness is better that suffering less and being useless. One thing is for sure, I only allow myself to think about it to write about it here. I always over-think and if I indulge in that I tend to think that I really got the raw end of the deal somewhere along the line. I wish someone would just say 'deal or no deal?' and I could say 'no deal!' In fact, any moment where I am not in too much pain, or distracted by the fact I have to focus on getting through something or distracted by anything I can distract myself I really think myself into a funk. The one thing a migraine is good for is to put a stop to all that thinking biz, which then helps me cope with all the migraines, although I tend to lose years using this method.
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