What to say?

It is really weird when faced with honest sympathy I both have no idea how to respond and it forces me to dwell on the reality of the situation.  It used to be when someone would mention how difficult it must be to have chronic migraines or ask how I can manage I would simply be very vague, sometimes make light about the difficulties of dealing with chronic pain or just brush off their concern with some comment like 'a fistful of drugs helps'.  Because I don't want other people to be uncomfortable.  Now though I just can't pull it off because I know how serious dealing with chronic pain is so to brush it off is directly lying and I don't lie well.  Not a skill I ever wanted to develop or promote.  I do make light of things very well but not one for bold lies.  So when I try to just do the 'you get used to it' bit I have difficulties keeping eye contact and I don't think I pull it off really.  You can tell I am uncomfortable talking about it.  Not talking about migraines in general.  I can really get into that sort of conversation.  Talking about triggers and medications and whatnot.  Telling people getting botox for any reason is not recommended if you like to make facial expressions.  But actually talking about the toll of all that pain on me personally makes me very uncomfortable.  I don't like emotional displays or emotional conversations but when it comes to chronic pain beneath the facade boils a boatload of emotional turmoil.  So I am a little more honest I would say.  I never say 'I'm fine' any more and just go with 'not bad'.  So I say it is difficult and try to suggest it is not as bad they might think... like not every migraine is acute, and sometimes I can abort them completely, and sometimes I can dampen the pain part of them but seriously, come on, they are practically daily and every single damned day is a new battle with different symptoms and different intensities.  We all know how damned draining it is. 

Sometimes I think people just would not want to realize how emotional I could become if I were bluntly honest about it all... and sometimes I think I just don't want to face the reality of it by being blunt about it all.  Because when I am blunt about it, usually when someone asks me when I am drunk, then it always makes me think clearly about the reality of it.  And I find the reality of it very difficult to face sometimes.  I get to thinking of how many years I have lost to pain, where the only defining feature of the last decade was pain, and then I think of the many more years to come that will be exactly the same way.  Then I think about the torture of working with these migraines because that is what everyone wants me to do and how inevitably I will fail every single on of them.  It makes me depressed you see, which is why I stopped doing a migraine journal.  And why when I read back through previous posts I am so glad my memory is so bad I don't remember some of those things.  All the realness makes me fearful of my future.  The only amount of realness I can take is handling one day at a time and never dwelling on the past of future.

I hope though that my defining moments of the next decade are not also pain.  But pain steals time.

Anyway facing the realness this particular time, when I was drunk, made me have a pity party when I got home.  I only allow myself one every year to get it out of my system.  This one began when my spouse was cranky about my bro's girl friend mooching off us with out paying.  And I said 'But neither do I.  I barely contribute at all.'  And it went down hill from there.  But in the end a good old pity party kinda makes me feel better the next day, like I got it out of my system.  Still this month has been brutal and I am getting emotional about it. There is always that aspect of guilt when it comes to chronic illness or chronic pain... this idea that you are failing loved ones in some way or are not functional enough. Those sorts of thoughts will always occur to us but it is far worse to exceed our limits, to make no compromises for our health and in the end make things substantially worse.
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