Less than perfect timing

I'm trying to quit smoking... again.  I've mentioned I have troubles with it because, well, when I get a boat load of pain smoking helps me feel relaxed.  Also there is the benefit to having a bad habit that will not prolong my life, which in my more self destructive moments seems like a dang fine idea. I can't use most quit smoking products since they seem to have the side effect of constant migraine-ism. So I have been using the nicorette 2mg mints and it has been working decently I must say. Granted for no real reason I get randomly irritated through the day and feel like snapping, berating, snarking or choking people who talk, touch or look at me. In all honesty it has just been some mild irritation and that is quite a bit better than the last time I tried to quit, so that is good. I don't have any smokes around me which is also good, since I don't have the will power to not smoke them if they are right there, but I can certainly resist the temptation to warm up the car, bundle up, treck out into the snow and go buy some smokes... barely. So timing wise winter is a darn good time to quit because honestly none of us enjoy going outside in minus thirty weather, wind giving us a skin peal, to get our fix. The bad timing aspect just has to do with this job upgrade thing I'm going at work, which makes me a tad frustrated and want a smoke. Denying myself irritates me. Not giving in though makes me happy. I figure in about a month I will feel a bit better about not having a smoke when I crave one, breaking the habit a bit, but obviously it will not be a habit for awhile and I'll have these mints on hand for quite awhile.

Quitting smoking is hard enough. Migraines don't make it easier because of course migraines are a major source of stress during the day. And smoking is my sort of reward for enduring the pain. Something to do with myself when there is nothing I can do about the pain itself. Without that it makes me snarky... that is to say the unmanageable pain makes me snarky even when I am managing the physical craving for nicotine.  There literally is no positive reinforcement thing I can think of to reward myself for tolerating pain during the work day. A pat on the back simply does not suffice. Saying I'll be healthier when I quit smoking also does not amuse me, because 'healthier' or not some health issues are chronic. I had such a wicked, nasty, brutal migraine on Friday night that I was having a real hard time coping with... especially since I could not have a smoke to ease the tension. It was not about the nicotine at all, that I had handled, it was about a vast amount of pain and what I normally do when there is nothing left I can do to treat the migraine. I don't like to wallow in pain and smoking was just one thing I do to trick my brain into tolerating it better, even if that sounds like a contradiction. It is like taking an over the counter pain killer even though you know it won't even put a dent in the pain... psychologically it makes you feel a bit better. But when I take a tramacet and my migraine still rages... it would not be a good idea to keep taking more tramacet and so having a few smokes, that don't do anything, but make me feel better helped.

Anyway being in all that pain and just having nothing to do to distract me really, really sucked. And it is going to really, really suck when it happens at work. That is usually what breaks my willpower. I get this raging migraine at work and I can't leave work, that is simply not done, and if my triptan or painkiller or both does nothing then I get to that point where I don't give a damn and if I want a damn smoke to release some stress than I damn well will have one, damn it.  So far I've been able to just handle the nicotine cravings and just sort of pretend the pain is not bothering me. Honestly, is there any good way to handle all the stress of handling acute pain? I can take deep, calming breaths... except when taking a deep breath actually hurts, which trust me happens when a migraine gets that severe. In the end I think I'll just have to acknowledge there is nothing I can do for that sort of pain. No escape certainly. No effective treatment. Bad habits or not, it is what it is. Smoking or not smoking the pain will remain regardless.  And I need to quit smoking because my spouse needs to quit smoking and he won't if I continue. It may give me some sort of comfort when nothing else does but it is not 'real'.
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