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Showing posts from March, 2011

I am rather enjoying this crappy weather

Even though I log for spring to finally fricken kick in, the loathsome weather has its perks.  First of all it is rather cloudy and cool, which makes my brain happy, but not too cold, which makes my brain cranky.  Srping used to be my fav time of the year, but that was before all the erratic weather played havoc with my brain and with FMS so now I would say it is early summer, when the weather becomes more stable and it is not too hot nor too cold, but just right.  So the lack of a real spring has put my head in a nice place.  I have definately had a reduced amount of migraines this month, excluding this week of hormonal migraine hell and lets face it hormonal migraines simply do not play by the rules.  This break in constant pain meant I reduced the amount of migraine treament medication quite dramatically... hell there were some days I was relatively drug free, excluding of course all the preventative medications.  Which suggests under ideal conditions with a lessoning of suffienent…

If the world was fair we would all share great health

Life is suffering.  That is something I always retained from learning a little buddism.  And it is true in many ways from poor health to emotional strain.  No one said it was easy.  And no one gets out alive.  So I may have my ailments and they suck, others have theirs and they likely suck as well.  My man has his IBS and his stomach problems.  A friend at work likewise has similar problems to my man but maybe from a different cause.  And I do not envy them with their abdomenal complaints, as I know that is so not fun.  My father has FMS and did have his fair share of emotional problems dealing with it.  So yes, we all suffer or will in the future.

I noticed a skin abnormality a few months ago.  A large freckle the size of a dime, two smaller ones about twice the size of a normal freckle all in the same area and they certainly were not there before.  I have been thinking about asking my doctor about it but keep forgetting.  My bf says maybe it is skin cancer and I said maybe and isn&#…

Ah yes, work goals and ambitions

It is that time of the year to assess my skills and reflect on my career goals in order to have a productive conversation of said goals with my manager.  It is an amusing exercise from the get go.  My enduring ambition is simply to maintain full-time work and that is a damned hard goal to keep up with.  It is amusing because all the qualities that make me approachable to customers, my smile and humor and whatnot, are all simply my outward mask to get through the day.  Definitely genuine but still all part of the facade.  So of course there is that contrast: smile on the outside, scream on the inside.  Then there is the goals themselves as if I have been even capable of having any long term goals or career aspirations in a very long time.  Obviously I want to maintain the status quo, rather than go back to the hell of fearing I would lose my job altogether.  Yet with management it is best to talk the talk, which I do well enough.

Really though having the ambition to maintain my career …

Deja vu all over again

I called in sick to work today.  I had very valid reasons for doing so and I only plan on using those sick days for extreme pain days, and not even all of those, plus strategically placing my vacation days to break up the year and give me a break from it all.  Now it is quite clear that no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how medically valid my sick days are, I am simply not allowed to take too many.  It does not matter that other people are allowed to, or can take days off if their children are sick or if their dog dies... because they are healthy and that is a right they have.  Which I think they should continue to have, but I also think I should as well without being made to feel like I just suddenly let down the whole fricken world, my employer, my co-workers for not being there one damned day.  I could seriously do without the guilt trip.  I get it.  Message received.  Ever since I had my epiphany after my suicide attempt that it really does not matter what I do or say thi…

Once again it is all about pain behaviors.

A coworker said to me to today 'so your migraines are back again, eh?'.  I wonder where they had went because certainly I would have been the first to notice.  So I said, 'They never went anywhere.  Same old same old.'  She went on to ask if my employer could do anything to which I said, 'Yeah, no.  To them it is either I am here all the time or not at all.  My doctor has the call on the not at all part.  They skip my vote.'  Then I stopped talking about it because I cannot face the realness of the situation.  Better to be confined to the moment, not thinking about the past or future, just that specific day.  People do not want me to answer honestly.  It would not be a pleasant conversation for either of us.  With my lack of a veto vote regarding my own survival I find no reason to remark about something I have no ability to change.  And thus just like magic simply because I force myself to go to work, because of course I lack the option to call in sick, and ju…