Can't escape the Monster

What I hate about hormonal migraines is that they are impossible to treat, and I think one reason most of my preventative protocols seem to be ineffective is that the stats are skewed for a week and a half out of every month... minimum.  And if that month happens to have more triggers then that span of time is stretched out.  This hormonal trigger cycle started from my last post... that abrupt migraine last week at 4am on Wednesday and has not stopped kicking yet.  It is a nasty one for sure and I have been trying to just roll with the punches but with getting used to this new med concoction it has been tricky.  I have been a bit drugged up in the mornings... with a lot of visual echoes going on, you know where you get all those trailers after everything?  Trippy.  And tripping, into everything.  And the pain is seriously compramising my cool.  The skin on my head is so damned painful right now.  And breathing hurts.  And air touching my skin hurts.  And being awake hurts.  You get the point.

As an extra bonus work has been slow revenue wise, if not work load wise, and of course that comes down on us so we got all chewed out.  We get the privillege of working an extra two hours tommorow for sales.  Which no one wants to do, but I loath to do.  I think my boss must think I have a life when I leave work or something, when in fact I am crippled by pain.  She must think that if she thinks working an extra two hours is easy for me.  I can barely get up as it is, barely get through the day and she is asking I force myself to endure two more hours of pain and take away two more hours of recovery for sales.  'yay go team'.  Expecially on a killer migraine week.  Talk about my fricken bad luck that this crap always falls on bad migraine week.  Damn it to hell.  It is going to be a torment, on top of the torment that is already there.  Because, of course, I already tried to kill the Monster with triptans and failed so I am in status migraine mode which means migraine for bed time, migraine for breakfast.  So two more hours of migraine fun at work is hell.  The sort of hell people just don't get.  So instead of taking an hour and a half nap when I get home to take the edge off the pain, like I have for the last couple of days, tommorrow I get to just ride the high of pain all night long!  Joyness. 

Strange how some people can acknowledge I have a medical condition, but not think I am disabled by it in any way, not think my ability to function is significantly compramised... in essence not think it is a disability at all.  Stupid invisible disabilties.  It must be because we 'don't look sick' or because we can moderately function under significant amounts of pain that people assume either we are fine and dandy or that because we can tolerate it one day we must be able to endure and suffer it every day.  A stupid assumption to make by the way.  First of all it is hardly our fault we are forced to endure that level of pain every day, eventually you learn to function on a basic level with a sort of 'facade', because we are not given the option.  That does not mean the pain is not there and it certainly does not mean when the pain increases beyond even that level we can cope with it, or that other symptoms of our disease don't also cause signifacnt problems.   And I guess that has always been the boss lady's attitude since she has blamed me for my absences, saying I was letting down myself, my coworkers, my customers, my employer and probably society as a whole by having the audacity of being sick.  How dare I not have the pain tolerace to endure an acute migraines and function perfectly?  Shame on me.  Pity I blamed myself as well.  Point is, things got ugly in the past and it was upsetting and I put it behind me because I don't like to dwell on ugly upsetting things.  But, for the record, they have done and said some pretty nasty stupid ass things.  I vented on here many a time and occasionally would read back and get pissed off all over again because I would remember how many times they jerked me around with all their bullshit.  It is just a corporate game to them.  How to adhere to policy, in the most basic of senses, or not at all and get away with it, so that they can pretend they are doing something so that if my productivity does not improve they have reasons to lay me off, make my life a living hell, demote me or fire me or encourage me to quit or... and this one almost worked, put the pressure and guilt on me until I feel so useless that I'll just kill myself and solve everyone's problem for them.  Just fun and games.  She already told me they don't have accomadations for someone like me, that they don't consider my condition to be a disability... pretty much that disability by policy standards is so limited it is defined as only things that involve conditions that can be fixed by a new chair or keyboard, which they would be more than willing to provide.  Which by the way, according to policy is bullshit, because I looked it up and such things as FMS and migraines are actually specifically listed.  Honestly.  These people ought to actually read their own policy before they spit it out at me.  Every time they tell me something I go look it up to find out it is the exact opposite.  Anyway, I would not even be talking about this crap again if the bosslady had not brought it up herself which just stirred all my emotions up... being as it is that time of the month, I am in a boat load of pain and those new meds are just messing me up.  So she had a letter with all my missed days last year and this year... last year being after I returned from the leave of absence after I tried to kill myself because I did not want to call in sick for work.  Yeah.  And then she gave me this form I need to get filled out by my doctor within 10 days.  She said it is from HR about my ansences and ways to help 'accomadate me' but she already told me there was no accomadation to be made, so I think this is just one of those 'steps', those bullshit corporate policy cover your ass steps that has nothing to do with helping me, because I damn well know at this point there is no helping me not from any angle I have seen.

I don't want to think about that crap.  Or the stress.  Or the guilt.  I will get the damn form filled out.  And I will do whatever they damn well want me to do.  Hell, she and the area manager and my doctor and the insurance company and my neurologist can all get together and have themselves a little chitchat and decide to do what they think is best for me because obviously it has nothing to do with me.  And while they are all busy doing that I am going to think long and hard about why I think it is so imporant I need a career.  Why can't I just get a low stress job?  Why am I doing this to myself when I am physically incapable of maintaining it and by trying I am just asking for this negative fallback?  Stupid is as stupid does.  And it was stupid of me to think all those years ago that I could cope with chronic pain and still have a career I could enjoy.  I should just take what I can get.

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