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The Haze has lifted....

I had a profound realization, like the puzzle pieces just snapped together, all because I have had just, just enough a decrease in pain to actually be able to think clearly about the reality of my fate.  I know the facts, and have always known the facts, but knowing the facts and being able to think clearly about them is something entirely different.  Lets put this in perspective by giving a flashback to 2010...

2010... I was in survival mode.  In constant pain.  Migraines every day.  Just like the year before, just like the year after.  I was getting a lot of pressure from my employer about my absences from work due to my migraines.  Treatment was just non effective.  My neuro appointment was in the distant future.  I could not have another leave of absence, or at least I could, but if I did, I knew I would be demoted and my workplace would likely become more hostile to me and I could not endure that.  I was desperate to power through to my next neuro appointment hoping for... something.  (damn, that is like deja vu all over again, because it happens over and over, but I forget over and over).  I was not sleeping very well.  I was emotionally on edge from the lack of sleep, from the pain, from the shear desperation of it all and certainly from the additional stress added by my employer and by the special way she made me feel guilty for being sick.  Now, being a crappy employee sucks for her, sucks for me, makes for a sucky situation.  Sucks more when she is incometant in handling it... she said I could not miss another day or I would suffer dire consequences, as demotion and other veiled threats.  You know, the sort of push, push, push you give somone like they are a lazy ass kid so they smarten up and become a model employee... except I wasn't a lazy ass kid, I was a severely stressed, emotionally strained, sleep deprived, in extreme pain person with self destructive thoughts praying for a heart attack and pushing me into a corner when I knew I could not get accomadation (as there was no accamadation for my 'disability') and I could not get long term leave (cause I am not 'sick enough' or insane enough or whatever)... well, not a good idea.  I had a status migraine, I was extremely emotional, the thought of suffering like that for another few decades seemed plain idiotic and I did not want to call in sick and suffer the 'consequences' nor could I manage to go to work in that level of pain... so I chose option 'B'.  You cannot expect someone to make rational choices in that much pain, in that sort of situation, with limitated resources and optioned when they are in a haze.  Survival mode is very hazy thinking, it is all blurry... years go by and I remember very little, but I know I have been in this very same place over and over again (because I blog actually).  It is reactive.  There is no way out of the situation, just getting through the moment.

Present-  And, much of the same really.  I had a very interesting conversation with a customer today that actually made me realize how survival mode is not benificial.  How struggling to hold a death grip to my career, to get through one hellishly painful day at a time may never work for me.  It may be that all I will achieve is increase my suffering and, eventually, inevitablly end up in a place where suicide seems like a good idea, and I will be in a mind set where I will not be able to think clearly about that... and it only takes a few moments to make that mistake.  So here is the thing with this young woman, she also suffers from chonic migraines, which is no shocker, unlike what some people seem to think it is not a rare condition only I suffer from because I do everything wrong.  Her triggers are very similar to mine; lack of sleep, lack of food, she is very sensative to light, and that damned hormonal trigger.  Here is the major difference, her migraines are managed.  They may be chronic, but they are not daily and when she gets them she treats them effectively.  What is the differece I wondered?  The main difference?  She takes a triptan finds a dark, cool room and takes a nap to sleep it off.  Me?  I take a triptan, sit under flourecent lights, stare at a computer screen and try to focus on four things at once.  Her migraine goes away, problem solved.  Mine, might be reduced slightly and come back full blast a few hours later, might not go away at all, or once in a blue moon is aborted (usually on a weekend when I can take it, go into a dark room and take a nap).  As I have always said taking a triptan and being exposed to the same damned triggers, pretty much nullifies the triptan.  In other words, I think my treatments would work if I could take them properly.  Every time I have been on a leave of absence my migraines have been significantly reduced and managed.  Working full time causes the treatment to fail because I cannot treat them properly, if I cannot treat an acute migraine when it hits.... then it does not go away, it continues for days and becomes a status migraines, and triggers another and another and they become daily.

What this tells me is that my job is increasing my suffering.  That I will never have well managed migraines working a full time job that is not flexible in hours like that and full time.  And that if I continue to force myself into trying to work that sort of job it will kill me. 

Problem is there is no accomadation for invisible disabilities- we are invisble to insurance companies, to social assitence, to everyone.  It is all up to us to survive.  Which means there are no programs to help us find jobs.

Problem is I can't think of any job with my skills in lending, investments, admistrations, writing that would be flex time.  Some sort of ideal job that has office time and work at home time, or work from home, or flexible hours.  My mind is drawing a blank.  Somehow, while I struggle though the job I have I am going to have to polish up the resume and brainstorm some ideas.  Because I don't want to be going deja vu a year from now ranting about how my employer is harassing me again and how horrible I feel.  I want an out so bad. 
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