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Well, this is new.... Anxiety

I've never had a problem with anxiety  although I know people with FM and migraines do deal with it regularly.  Me, I let a lot slide.  Let a lot of worries go after I vent them out.  But I have some serious worries and they can't be decided and they can't be let go until they are.  And for the first time in my life... anxiety.  As in bursts of it, like anxiety attacks, but not yet there yet.  Rapid heart rate, palpitations  shortness of breath, a feeling that no matter which choice I make its going to kill me.  That sort of anxiety.  Again it is work related.  With my transfer to another branch I am worried about commuting, about being stuck out there for lunches, about being the only one for that job so worried about being unable to call in sick, worried about calling in sick period, worried about damn near everything... worried that that job is already killing me no matter what location it is but not knowing what to do about it, because there is the safety net there.  But there are opportunities with other companies, which also gives me anxiety because there is not safety net and I'm not sure my brain is up to the task anymore, at all.  Frankly, I guess I'm terrified to stay and terrified to go and neither option seems viable, both seem like they just won't work.  I hate being too sick to function and not sick enough for some doctor to say enough is enough lets help you out with this already.  I just want something to just work.  I don't know which way is the best to go really.  All I know is my body is reacting to the stress quickly by giving me these bouts of anxiety that are just nutty.  I felt like my heart was going to explode one night.  FMS is so damned responsive to that sort of thing.  I just don't feel like mentioning this fear because it seems silly.  Like when that shrink said I was developing a fear of leaving the house, but she was right, I was.  So would anyone in my shoes.

I will be going to the doctor soon to up my topamax meds soon.  So maybe I will mention it to him on a side note.  And also ask him if it is all right to commute on the topamax while going up on it given the side effects. 

Anyway the anxiety is a response to my terror.  My abject terror on an uncertain future.  Too many uncertainties and stresses.  And under than anxiety is a LOT of pain.  Too many migraines.  And under that some depression that just lingers and shows its ugly head sometimes and shouts out 'Why The Hell Are You Doing This?'  And that terrifies me more.  Working like this day in and day out with severe to acute pain and it becomes harder and harder to ignore that question, because I sure as hell don't have an answer.  Except that I have to, or insurance company told me to, or neuro said it is impossible to get on long term leave or it is just what people do no matter how much they suffer.  When you can't ignore that question then the depression becomes an issue.
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