I hate slippery slopes

I hate slippy slopes especially when I see them coming a mile away.  And it really pisses me off how little disability awareness there is in my work place, or I should say among management, not staff... or I should say upper management, not my current new manager who seems rather nice.  Point is, I know having a chronic pain condition requires Routine and sticking to a routine, whether that be a sleep cycle or work or whatever.  We have routines for a reason.  We know our limitations and we have made compromises for a reason.  We don't make choices all willy-nilly.  And not commuting to a work place has been a choice, otherwise I would have switched work places a hell of a long time a ago, because lets face it... these guys have rather sucked when it comes to helping me through my worst pain moments, causing them to be significantly worse, and suicide worthy.  They are just awesome like that.  Not that the blame is all on them, they are like any other large corporation that treats the chronically ill like an incompetent  lazy, child who is skipping class because they don't want to go to school and not someone in a crap load of pain, desperately trying to hold onto their career while trying to get treatment.  So they try ultimatums and 'be good or else' and this paint you into a corner routine creates a lot of emotional stress and makes things a lot worse.  This is historically speaking what they have done, repeatedly, in different special, special ways.

Anyway, since I have been commuting I have seen a significant increase in pain.  I just can't get a grip on the migraines.  I was in status migraine mode from the hormonal migraines when I began there so it was a bad start, so I thought, well, this will tell me how bad its going to be at its worst.  But of course when in status migraine mode if you're exposed to significant triggers over and over, it can just last and last.  Which it has.  It just hasn't stopped.  Acute migraine HELL.  My neck is killing me and the pain has migrated into my shoulder such that I can't rotate it any more and from past experience that will get worse until I need phsysio.  I missed yesterday work, which was not good since I am the only person at that office in my role which means someone else in that office has to step in and take over my desk.  And yes that does make it harder for me to call in sick and yes that doesn't make sense they would transfer me there given they know I am still missing more work than average (with permission from my doctor and insurance).  Because I was in killer migraine mode the migraine associated vertigo was insane, or because of the driving, or both... not sure since I usually don't driving on the highway or much at all.  So to resolve that I am now taking SERC in the morning and afternoon in order to not have that roller-coaster effect and it is helping moderately, but makes me feel 'off' and sick to my stomach, a lot, and I'm not sure I can take it long term like that.  Seriously I think it is hurting my stomach like antinflamatories do, which I really hope I'm wrong about.  Makes me feel short of breath as well.  Anyway, that's why I usually only take the stuff when the vertigo is drunken sailor bad, which it now is, all the freakin time.  Still my eyes are a little buggy anyway, the visual snow and driving still makes it 'warpy' but sunglasses helps a little bit.

So missing work caused the head honcho to spontaneously show up at the branch to 'check up' on things today.  He is not my favorite person lately, given he transferred me without bothering to ask if it would affect me health wise or if it would work for me.  Nada.  And he had the gall to ask me how the' drive was'.  I wanted to punch him.  And I wanted to be honest but I couldn't because I'm in a cubicle not an office now, so everyone can hear me including customers.  And what difference does it make now anyway?  What an ass.  He was asking like it was a normal thing.  It is not a bloody normal thing when you have chronic migraines.  What the hell does he expect the drive is like?  Not LESS painful obviously.  JEEZ.

And you know I like the branch I'm at.  They are good people.  I just see this damn slippery slope I'm sliding down.  Pain, and more pain.  Me trying to get to work in pain, because there is no one to replace me, causing more pain.  Endless status migraines.  MAV going nuts, more SERC and those side effects.  Getting more stressed and emotionally fragile.  More anxiety.  All because of what others would call a MINOR CHANGE TO THEIR ROUTINE.  There is no such thing to us.  I should know.  I have had jobs where I thought I can do this job it just requires a little shift work, and I don't sleep much anyway.... leading to daily acute migraines.  There is nothing minor about that.  I hate that they didn't bother considering my health in that choice, but when do they ever.  When they threaten to fire me? Nope.  When they told me I had to sign a letter stating I would 'only be sick three times a month' nope.  When they said due to the economy I better watch how and start having a better attendance because I might get laid off? Nope.  Or that if I missed one more day I could be demoted? Nope.  When I asked for flex work or temporary reduced hours or part work from home hours and was declined straight up there is not accommodation for someone with your illness?  Nope. Nope And nope.

I need options.  Seriously need options.  And again I need to see a shrink.  I think I'm going to phone our HR, since we have a program where you can phone a health professional shrinker to chat with and they can line you up with one.  And I think every day the pain gets work my emotions are tanking I need to vent some more.  I get teary eyed when I think about the pain and what I'll have to get through tomorrow   I won't manage much sleep tonight in as much pain as I am in now.
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