Agoraphobia, anxiety and fear

I wonder today if someone can develop Agoraphobia due to fear of leaving the house because every time you do it makes the migraine you have way worse or triggers one rather quickly. Plus a general fear of sun light. Is there a phobia for sunlight? There should be. Anyway since I am currently not working, for whatever duration, it is not necessary to leave the house and when I do I really regret it... I already was a hermit so the next step really is Agoraphobia. I actually had a shrink say I was devloping it last time I was on a short term leave. Maybe she was right, but maybe it's just general pain avoidance. After all its not fear and anxiety, it is just knowing triggers... whereas working, now that is begining to cause fear and anxiety. Nevertheless I ought to brave the outdoors occasionally because pain avoidance can unfortunately be habit forming, for good reason, but nonetheless.  Not so much for the migraines because they are consistently evil and lately very severe expecially as the day goes on.  But more so for fibromyalgia... the less you do the more it hurts, the more you do the more it hurts... so you kinda have to stay in the middle somewhere.  Which means doing a little something each day, no matter the pain level... a small bit of housecleaning or a little bit of yoga or an errand in that bright painful world.

For the last couple of days I've been just trying to relax because I don't know if my short term leave has been approved and if it has not, then I need the rest. These migraines are still acute and daily... might be due to the weather and so a little rest is more than welcome at this point. I find I can't let myself relax too much because I don't know if I can... I don't know if I will be able to or if I'll be going back to work and have to shore up my mental reserves for that. And that actually makes me anxious really.  Maybe because I have been in so much pain without work being a factor and the relief of not having to force myself to focus and consentrate and fake not being in pain for eight hours is so great I just don't want to think about having go back. Which just shows how emotionally drained I am I guess, that I know I'm too tired to put on that face for any extended time. I've done it for years and years and years... I bloody don't know how I did it to be frank because the last couple of years have been extremely difficult.  Like I said before, it is a matter of how well you can lie to yourself and when I you can't do that it becomes a very difficult game to play.  Some days you can do great, most days you're in survival mode and too numb to ponder your excistence but unfortunately there are too many days when you do think about how this is going to continue. That edge of hoplessness was not there before because I thought if I really needed help my doctors would have my back, but they don't. I pretend to hope they do this time, but obviously I don't believe it or I wouldn't have this anxiety... this anxiety is there because I'm waiting for the Call.  The last time I was on leave was after my suicide attempt, so it was a 'stress leave' I guess.  When my short term was up I had my docs fill out the long term and I would have thought given my pain and my obvious struggles to cope with it they would have given me some time, but then one day without any warning or anything I got a call from the insurance company informing me of my return date.  You can't image how upset I was to hear that message. It actually made me depressed for some time and then numb and then very angry.  It took over a year to recover from emotionally, but I was back at work and back in the same situation that caused the whole thing.  But now without any hope. I don't think I'll every forgive them for taking that from me because that is something we all need to lie to ourselves so that the endlessness of the pain is not so all-consuming when we pause to think about it.  We can shake the dark moods we get from the acute pain better if we have hope. I don't rebound as quickly anymore from those long painful migraine streaks. They cause more acute insomnia episodes. And anxiety. So yeah this break is good and yeah everybody (except my doctors I assume) would concur I should not be working and should be on long term, if just for my sanity... but I know it won't last and right now that is making me a little anxious. 

So I need to calm down.  Find that inner core of stability that is so hard to maintain when the pain is like a rollercoaster.  I want to find a fibromyalgia support group, and I know there is one in the area.  And I'm contemplating a shrink even though they seem to be next to useless and costly at that. I mean I am not nearly as moody as I would be when working because it is far less stressfull to handle the pain at home.  This is a damned good thing.  Because sometimes moody is normal but when the pain is acute and you can't sleep it can be scary. Nevertheless because I know this leave will not last and because I am anxious about returning to work already and because I know how difficult that is to handle in the long term... why not have someone prepare me mentally and emotionally for the pain trauma ahead of time right?
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