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Hazy heat wave foggy migraine blah

I wasn't going to use that additional sleep pill enhancer medication during the work week due to the extreme morning grogginess factor... but it suddenly got really hot around here and if I couldn't sleep before i sure as hell wouldn't be able to now.  So it was worth the risk and has been definitely since I have actually been able to sleep.  The ER trip, while not fun and rather expectantly physically draining for a few days, did boot me out of my pain cycle... sort of.  With some good sleep I'm back to not having migraines in the morning and getting them in the mid-afternoon.  Unfortunately they really kick it up on the pain scale riding the heat wave home.  And it is just damn draining melting in the hot house.  However, I have been taking my triptan as soon as I get home and that tames the pain a bit which then helps me sleep.  So sort of managing it.  Kind of sort of.  Best I can sort of.  Well, what can I say?  It is what it is right?  At least I am not taking too much medication and having too much side effects and having insane on the brain acute migraines not responding to anything really and missing work day after day.  Thats something.  I'll take what I can get.

After my return to work Monday... after missing three bloody days of work in a row my manager and I had a chat.  Now, keep in mind I left them in a Real hard spot.  I now work in a real small branch of just the four of us... one of us was on holidays.  Two of us have to be present at all times.  I was not there.  That meant neither of them could go for lunch or breaks, my manager had to do my job plus cover the staff member on holidays.  I was anxious about coming into work.  Really, really anxious... keep in mind with the amount of triptans I have been taking my heart rate and breathing issues means when I get anxious it means my heart rate starts to skip and stutter and do weird things.  Thats what I mean by really anxious.  Because at my old branch my anxiety was always bad after even one sick day, let alone two and I never had missed three... except on the day i tried to kill myself and maybe that's why I did it.  Then I knew I would be faced with a manager chat that would make me feel horrible in so many ways, more than I already do, more guilt than I already have, more trapped than I already feel more unable to know what the hell I can do about it.  I Dreaded it.  So I was worried all day.  But she says to me 'Maybe you should have a serious talk to your doctor about going on long term disability'.  Because she was concerned for my wellbeing.  She worried about all the medications and side effects and what the long term damage could be and how if I were on disability I would not have the stress, would not need as much medication and would be able to manage my pain better.  I was like wow, she totally gets the problem right there, but I did explain it isn't as easy as it sounds because I can talk to my doctor but it is the doctor, the specialist and the insurance company that have the say.  if the doctor doesn't fill the forms out thoughtfully and with detail it will be turned down.  Or if the insurance company pushes the issue they might not fight about it.  I told her I worried about trying to get it and being turned down... know, for sure, the option wouldn't be there if I needed it... I think that would make me really depressed.  She is right though if I try and they turn me down then things will be no worse than they are, right?  I just never had a manager give a crap about me, personally.  She is a real good person and I hate letting her down but in the end, the pain makes me let down everyone, even myself... it just knows how to take.
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