Head shrinkery

So I'm randomly phoning shrinks (a term i use because psychologist apparently gets stuck on my migraine addled brain... and I like the term... it reminds me of those little shrunken heads) because I think its a good idea to attempt to take care of my emotional health in some fashion. Good days are good days, but bad pain days... well. they are just bad. And I figure it will make things easier to have someone to talk to who won't freak out. In the sense that chronic pain can be traumatic emotionally and volatile  Not always, but sometimes. And I think talking about it to people who don't get that scares the crap out of them. I know it scares my spouse. I think he worries a great deal when I say anything too serious about how much I am suffering such that I feel that I can't truly have an honest discussion about it with him because I don't want to scare him.

I don't know. Being in a great deal of pain is like being in the middle of the ocean trying to swim to a shore you can't see.  Sometimes you swim real hard, against the current, with all your strength even though you are really tired because you hope you are going in the right direction and you know there must be land out there somewhere. Even though you don't seem to be getting anywhere. Other times the water is as placid as glass and you just rest and tread water and try not to drown. Other times you are fighting the waves as they try to swamp you, just struggling to survive and you're not getting anywhere but you're not sinking either. And sometimes you almost drown. But the next day you're swimming to shore again. It is never constant. One day to the next it is a different sort of battle. So you can't say you're always drowning or always overwhelmed because that's not true. It's just that there is an undercurrent to your life that is this struggle, that is invisible and it is very emotionally taxing. And to try and express that and say at the same time that you are not severely depressed or suicidal seems like a contradiction  but its not... it just means suffering and pain whether you are happy, mad, sad or glad is a difficult thing to cope with which sometimes does make you depressed. It is easier when you can laugh and be in pain, laughter is such good medicine. And some people think that is impossible; that you can laugh and be in pain, but that is because they are morons who don't understand the nature of chronic pain.

I just think it would be cool to talk about the battle without the facade and without pulling my punches and without having to worry that I'm scaring someone with my honesty. Because honestly when it comes to work and daily migraines I'm sucking at coping which makes me far more volatile than I usually am, on the inside, but I'm just really awesome at hiding it on the outside. Just not as awesome as I used to be.

And then there is my procrastination... just because I think it is a good idea doesn't mean i want to do it. Other than blogging I don't actually truthfully talk about my true level of pain or emotions.... too real you know. It would compromise my facade for one. It would cause people to worry for another. And I'm inherently private and reserved. Even with my doctor I downplay my pain... as if being stoic is a virtue. If it is, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm not comfortable talking about that stuff honestly because talking about it honestly makes me emotional and sometimes it is hard to deal with those emotions and it is a lot easier to keep them stuffed deep down inside.
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