Reality is really trippy

I'm going to say I'm thinking these thoughts I'm going to express because I have a wicked migraine right now with a wicked trippy visual aura. Kind of annoying really because the vertigo keeps tilting things periodically, but that aside, I'm going to get philosophical on you all.

Rene Descartes (and, yes, I wrote an article on this because that's how I roll) said we have to doubt our senses because we could be dreaming. It was his concept of radical doubt... if it could be doubted it should be doubted. So if I could be dreaming right now, then how can I know that what I sense to be true (feel. see. whatever) is true. I used to actually think he rather had a point except that with fibromyalgia and my extremely bad, unrefreshing sleep... I always know that I am dreaming.  I lucid dream a lot.  Because I really don't sleep well. I'm sort of floating in and out of sleep. So I dream and become rapidly aware I am dreaming. I'll be in a dream and just think 'this is not right' because it feels so wrong and then it is usually either straight lucid dreaming or I wake up because I don't like the wrongness of it. Likewise when I sort of wake up and get stuck in a sleep paralysis state, where you can sort of dream I know that is not real because again it feels very wrong. I can't describe it but it is very nightmarish to me in how wrong it feels and I struggle very hard to shake off the sleep paralysis because the sensation is so uncomfortable.  So I would say I definately know the line between reality and dreaming, but that does not mean he is not very correct that our senses decieve us because they do, because our brain decieves us.  Not just a migraine brain by the way.  Every brain.  Like optical illusions for example, we see what our brain feels to be true but it isn't.  Or in situations where it is filling in the blanks but not correctly. It brings in a boatload of data, filters it and provides us with the necessary information and it doesn't always get it right.

Now I must admit I have had a few incidents that occured when waking, or in the middle of the night when woken up that do not fit into sleep paralysis quite, since I wasn't stuck physically but might have been a similar state of stage one sleep where I felt awake and wasn't.  What I'm saying is I have had experiences I can't explain easily as sleep paralysis and I have no idea what they were. A)One occured in a house we were sure was haunted. I was sleeping and I woke up as I often do groggy and half aware, felt someone looking at me and saw a male figure in the corner.  Thought it was my bf and settled to be back to sleep.  Then woke up with somone sitting on the bed with their hand under my cheek, between me and the pillow. I thought that was wierd but I also though I was drooling so I brushed the arm away embarassing and it left. As in the hand left without the sensation of moving away and someone got off the bed without making a sound or anything. I opened my eyes and there was no one there. I searched the whole damed house and no one was home.  Ghost or waking dream? B) I woke up one night and I saw a very old man sitting in a wooden rocking chair at the foot of my bed.  He was watching me.  I think he might have even said something.  I stared at thim for a very long time, trying to figure out if I was sleeping or what I was seeing. To preserve my sanity I just went back to sleep.  C) I was trying to sleep one night with horrible insomnia when I saw the wierdest aura manifestation ever. It was all electric blue and smoky like and all in our area of the room, didn't move with my eyes.  It was about a foot by foot twisting mass.  I was captivated by it and just watched it shift and twist for a bit.  And then I saw a womans face in it.  She was speaking but I couldn't hear her.  ABC are all weird, but remember I am on sleeping pills, and always sleep deprived and often in very light stages of sleep awareness.  I just don't know what they were.  They make me wonder about reality and if I can ever know what is real and what isn't when my mind messes with me so much.

Now where Rene Descartes was right to doubt the senses is with us migraines sufferers... he really ought of used us as a primary example.  We can doubt our senses all the time.We get faulty information all the time.  What though about the visual auras we see?  I foubt a website awhile back who believed the sparkles from visual snow were real and mystical.  Could I say he is wrong? He sees them.  He believes they are outside of him. I tease my boyfriend and say maybe I'm seeing billions of particles of matter of billions of teeny tiny fairies.  But the fact remains if I believed my senses and seeing is believing then the billions of sparkles would have to be something other than my brain misfiring. Here is the thing though. When I was a kid I used to think I saw real auras of the mystical sort of people and plants and animals... and I had no idea about my migraines then or auras.  Now the auras I used  to see migraine wise where visual snow periodically, it had not been constant, I used to get the black, purple loss of vision slowly in one eye and that was the extent of my migraine related auras.  The auras I thought were mystical were always there.  A person had a white light around them and a little flame of light on there head and would bob around when they moved.  For some it was a larger flame.  Some people had colors most did not.  I thought it was pretty cool.  Now that I get so very many auras, and visual distortions where things move and warp and twist I have no idea what they was. But I do know I still see it, not as well as I used to but whartever that was I still see it.  A form of migraine aura? A visual problem even though my eyes were fine?  Or a real aura? Or is it Corona phenomenon an aura symptom where things appear to have light surrounding them... and given the amount of visual aura symptoms I have this one is very likely, if wierd. And if it is likely, then just like the visual snow... I've had it for a long time, well before my migraines were chronic... since I was a kid in fact.
If we can speculate it is a real aura then how can we ever trust our perception of reality?  What is real and what isn't real?  What is my brain misfiring and what isn't? How can I even know? Since it has been around so long it is just a weird unexlpained visual phenomena I know I shouldn't see.  Just like the visual snow, which I also knew other people didn't see and thought had something to do with my eyes when I was a kid or my low blood pressure... I had no idea what it was.

I'll tell you this... my world is becoming so distorted it doesn't much resemble reality at all. It is in fact very sureal. Walls ripple with waves of energy. I look at things and they move. I tilt to the left. The sparkles dance everywhere. (damn little fairies.) Some things warp and twist. Its insane. Looking out at the world with my migraine goggles on I am hard pressed to see what is real.  Yes, our senses do decieve us all right... but it is that dang brain that is mucking us up.





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