Venting and journal writing and the price of suffering

Before I began to blog a lot I used to write in a journal frequently.  Just to vent mostly. I found writing your emotions clears them from your mind a bit so you don't dwell on them as much.  And I like to write things down because I can then look back and say 'Oh right that is when that symptom started' which I often do with this blog actually. I lose a lot of Time to pain. When I'm getting daily migraines honestly not very much gets stored in my long term memory. I don't remember events very well. The details are very vague. The timing is also vague; the event could have been six months ago or two years ago but I couldn't tell you. I don't remember people very well. In my job this is difficult because I meet a customer and the next day I forget what they look like, even after dealing with them for weeks. I just don't seem to have very good facial recognition.  And when it comes to my health the intensity of things sometimes gets blurred over time. I may think for example that I was coping better five years ago than now, and that it is only now that the daily pain seems to be having such an emotional toll.  Which is bullshit. I look back in my journal and it is just Pain. It is just rolling with pain and desperation and the same thoughts I have now. It is not that you Forget, it is just that you are Surviving. It is just that your life is not a life at all, it is an existence which becomes defined by surviving the painful moments that stretch out into years such that everything else becomes indistinct and hazy. Everything is defined by the struggle. It is the constant undercurrent to everything. It is not that journal excludes the good moments, its that all the good things in your life begin to get pushed away and sliced out in the effort to survive. I can actually see it over time. The picture you get overall is just someone struggling to hold onto pieces, desperately and perhaps idiotically in the case of work. I have filled the void with my writing and that has kept me sane. And I have also filled the void with my connections with other people on the Internet and that is actually necessary, because to know and understand you are not alone in your struggle is very important. Nevertheless seeing all the undercurrent of despair and desperation over a decade saddens me a great deal. Partially because I don't think it is necessary that I have to suffer so... although in the past I have thought it was necessary. I thought I it was weak to express pain. That I would be worthless if I didn't work. Things like that. The guilt ate at me. But now I don't think this is necessary.  I think it is a product of how doctors and insurance companies see invisible disabilities and how the define pain and how they ignore suffering.  I don't journal about my pain level. I may say I'm getting daily migraines... but what follows is all about the suffering and how difficult it is to endure and survive.

I hate that I've been tormented for so long and my doctors simply didn't care to notice and didn't care to help. Is it any surprise we commit suicide? Really? This attitude doctors have in treating chronic pain has got to stop. If they can't handle it send us to someone who can.

I don't think the suffering is necessary. And I used to think everyone just expected me to suffer in silence because that made it easier on them. As long as I as At work no one gave a damn how much I suffered, which is true.  But I don't think I should suffer in silence. I think I should suffer loudly. And then maybe they will understand it is not about the pain it is about what the pain does.

So I'm glad I looked back.  And maybe I will journal a bit more again.  A little every day. Maybe something positive every day. Then a recounting of my heath. What I'm doing for my health action plan. Then what I did. That sort of thing.

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