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Oh the brainlessnes of it all

I went to see my shrink today but i can't honestly say it was that productive. You know when you have a wickedly bad migraine and you can't think of the word you want to say and you can't seem to finish sentences and your words are coming out funny?

That was the entire conversation.

And yes I do have a wicked migraine. That seems to be the standard these days. And apparently my tripan simply isn't up for the task of handling them.

However it is more the topamax that is to blame for the complete brain failure. And my psychologist obviously noticed the fact. And I said it was complete brain failure due to side effects. She said perhaps it would be better to see my old neuro and return to my old meds.

Well, yes, that would be nice in the sense that the painkillers help give me with pain management in addition to the Maxalt, which is obviously a benefit and the verapamil helped me to some degree with the vertigo, and I think to some extent helped with the intensity of the migraines to be honest if the last few weeks is anything to go on. But what was the case wasn't working was it? And I do need to place nicey nice with this neuro while on leave from work and if this doesn't work then we can move on to something else. And I don't know if this doesn't work. It is far too early to tell. If he wants me at 400mg of topamax and I'm only just barely at 200mg then who knows what 400 will do? And generally the rule is you have to try it for a few months to know. I can't just say this sucks and then go back to something that sucked less. That would show that I am 'uncooperative'. And the side effects do really really suck at this point but it took me months to get used to a far lesser dosage. So I think I will be dumber than dirt for the foreseeable future. I loath not being able to function though. I find it mentally depressing really. Because it is hard to distract yourself from the pain you cannot treat when you are incapable of doing anything.

The shrink thinks I have a sort of defeatest attitude or am too passive. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Literally... I had no idea how to respond because I can't think. I mean I don't completely disagree with the topamax as a treatment. I do disagree with the lack of painkillers. Since I can't take anti-inflamatories and triptans can only be used three times a week, I think a painkiller, especially the mild one I was using, also three times I week... is completely within reasonable limits. But this neuro laid out the plan of action and I feel it best to try it as suggested, tow the party line as it were, so that if it works - awesome- and if it doesn't he will be more receptive to helping me have more time on leave to find something that does.

Or at least that was the general idea. Until I found out how sick I was going to get from the topamax and this unrelenting pain and increased vertigo. So this ideal plan of his that I increase my exercise, quit smoking and quit drinking caffeine has not necessarily worked well for me. My sleep cycle is screwed right up, I have stopped exercising completely because my pain levels have spiked right up and I have no way of controlling them. I have quit the caffeine which was as I had mentioned the one that was no problem, except for the nausea issue. And I was going to quit smoking once I had the others under control, but now I'm so stressed from all the pain I'm not sure I really want to. But I should, might as well add that misery into the mix. Just to say I did.

Every night I think tomorrow I will get up early and start my routine and I will feel less crappy. I will shake off this grogginess. I will do something to get through the pain. It will be better. I can start the coping process again that was messed up by this med change. And every day I wake up feeling like This. With This pain level.
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