You are not your illness?

I always have a bit of a problem with these statements. On the one hand, yes, I don't want to be defined by my illness and the pain is not all that I am by any means. I acknowledge the pain limits who I am... by that I mean a certain level of pain sort of muffles the personality. It does not let you to the surface and that is why a certain level of pain is difficult to mask from loved ones... because they can tell your personality has been dulled around the edges and you are simply not all there. But that is pain and by its nature that is the way it is. No one would be any different it just so happens with chronic pain this happens more often. But I don't define myself as a crippled person, as this person crippled by my illness, as the essence of myself defined by my symptoms. And I would completely agree with this statement fifteen years ago when I fought to ensure my illness did not define me and I fought to endure who I was was not altered by my illness.... this sort of dualistic look at my illness. It could affect my body, but my mind was my own... it would not change. I was still me.

Yet after time and increased symptoms and chronic migraines on top of fibromyalgia and giving up my academic career and trying to just hold onto a job my perspective has changed, because who I was has changed. I had to change because I had to survive. In fact, early on with just fibromyalgia I changed dramatically in order to develop coping strategies for that chronic pain which helped me adapt and get through my Master of Arts. Dramatically changed how I looked at reality, because if I had not, I would not have been able to cope with the pain. Going from a rather cynical and very sarcastic person to a more realistic but humorous person was an active effort on my part to stop seeing things a certain way and to cultivate my more lighter humor that helps me deal with pain, rather than my dark humor which definitely does not. And this is a normal process.... chronic illness will, positively or negatively highlight facets of our personality. So it does change us as we go through that first struggle to cope. Even so.... I saw that as just adapting. Bringing out a different aspect of myself in order to cope. Learning a facade of wellbeing that I would mask myself with because the lie of happiness and humor and goofiness becomes a truth that sinks into you... and when you laugh with others it fools them and you and not focusing on the pain makes it easier to bear.

Then the migraines were added in and became chronic and I had to go into the workforce because I could not think clearly enough to go through my Phd. I hoped for treatment to help and then I would go back to it but... such is life, things got rapidly worse because well, work is work. So years of that increased pain and that constant battering against a person is a little different than just the changes one goes through when initially coping with chronic pain. It fractures a person. Wounds a person. Breaks a person. Of course you see yourself for who you really are... because you see all your strength and all your weakness together as you struggle to survive. How could you not see yourself in your purest form? Raw and exposed. There is nothing I don't know about how I think about pain, my illness, how I react to it, to stimulus, to stress... that I have not learned and thought about and tried to conquer and heal and mend and broken again and held together. I know myself very well. But... knowing all that does not necessarily lead to healing when the wounds keep on happening. It is just this continuous process where the best we can hope for is coping. We learn the tricks on how we can manage ourselves really. Trick ourselves, lie to ourselves, fool our brains into thinking the way we need it to think, distract it in ways that seem odd to others but are necessary to us... whatever works.

But... I am not my illness? Maybe not, but it has created me. Changed me. Made me. And in some ways I really, really am my illness. In some ways I am the person I have always been and have the same interests and general personality traits. However, some traits are there because of my illness. My absentmindedness. My inability to remember names and faces. My short term and even long term memory problems. My notorious clumsiness. People know these traits about me... I know these traits about me... I make jokes about them... but they are my illness. Even the persistent migraine auras have been there so long it is such a normal thing to see things the way I do even if it is so much worse now... such that my perceptions of reality are just different than anyone elses, such that I cannot explain it, but it is the way I perceive reality.... how can I separate such a fundamental thing from who I am? Some symptoms are so ingrained... like the forgetfulness, firbofog, problems with naming objects, people, problems with communications... such that they become part of how people see you and you see yourself. You can't peal all parts of the illness away and find who you are at the core, at essence, without the symptoms of the illness because it affects so many areas of the brain and how it functions.... the cognitive ones a prime example, the senses I know seem like you can easily see they are not normal but still I have no idea what normal perception is anymore, I don't know how it would be to see normally anymore. And how about mood? Our mood is affected by serotonin  being low and with migraines our mood can be a symptom pre-migraine before the aura stage of a migraine... where there can be depression, anxiety, or hypomanic moods. No event to stimulus in the external world caused the mood... the illness caused it... but at times we feel it is us and we respond like it is us, because you can't always tell where it is coming from.

Head Agony | Science News

Head Agony | Science News
“They confirm that migraine is a disease of hyperexcitability in the brain,” says Ferrari.
Nerve cells work by transmitting electrical impulses. Normally, the inside of a nerve cell is negatively charged (thanks to a lot of negatively charged chlorine ions) and the outside is positive (from positively charged sodium, calcium and potassium ions). When a nerve cell releases a signaling molecule called a neurotransmitter, channels on the cell next door open up and allow positive ions to rush in. The cell briefly depolarizes — the inside loses its negative charge — and then returns back to its normal state.
Genes that have been linked to migraine all have some role in the firing of nerve cells and this positive-negative ion swap. The gene mutation described in 1996 affected the calcium ion channel. Another DNA variation, described in 2010 in Nature Genetics, inhibits a cell’s ability to clear away the neurotransmitter glutamate after the nerve has fired, allowing it to accumulate. In June 2011, Ferrari and an international team of researchers described signs of three more rogue genes in Nature Genetics. These, too, are involved in the transmission of signals from cell to cell.
“The story seems to go in the same direction,” Ferrari says. In a migraine-susceptible brain “it’s easier to trigger neuronal activity.”
The idea is also supported by a study published last January in the journal Neurology. Researchers exposed patients suffering a migraine attack to light — a normal stimulus that becomes excruciating during the headache. PET scans of the patients revealed that the light caused the nerves in the occipital cortex of the brain to fire. But when the patients were not experiencing an attack, the light did not have an effect on that part of the brain. Like a drought-stricken forest, the nerves may be easy to ignite, and easy to fuel once they do.
“The fact of the matter is there is plenty of evidence now that the brain of a migraine sufferer is never normal,” says David Dodick, a neurologist at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz., and president of the American Headache Society. It now appears that a migraine brain exists on edge, quick to set off a headache when the right combination of circumstances comes along. “Networks are active when normally they shouldn’t be,” Dodick says. “The threshold for generating an attack is always just below the surface.” The rabbit hole is always near.
But maybe not forever. Soon migraine sufferers may, like Alice, be able to wake up from the nightmare inside their heads — something Alice’s creator could never do."

Man, I feel like a cripple

Might be the weather but I feel like a cripple. Sometimes fibromyalgia has a way of making you its bitch. I can tell you some times when it has been intensely painful to have this syndrome... when indeed I felt crippled by the pain alone. When walking became this very problematic struggle to consume inches. Not fun by any means but also not continuous. Also... not predictable. At times it just is. Other times it seems to be a flare up of specific muscle groups... like that year where the tendons in the bottom of my feet were extremely painful and I sort of shuffled everywhere I went. That was an unpleasant year. But it went away. Can't wear girly shoes or flat shoes though or that comes back very quickly... so sneakers it is, with insoles in them... but I like sneakers and I am not the sort of girl who collects shoes so not like I care. So there is all over pain, there is a specific intense flare up in specific muscles (both sides though) and there is 'you have clearly gone over your limits and need to be punished' pain.

Right this moment I have an overall flare up that is nasty. I speculate weather but it could be just that I have no been feeling well. A little too much stress. Lack of sleep due to other pain. That sort of thing. I think the chestwall pain is from this flare... certainly the leg pain is.

I have some nasty back pain that I have not decided whether it is a specific muscle flare up that I'm just going to have to endure until it goes away or whether it is a back problem or whether it is something else. My new doctor gave me something for it that does not work at all... but since I speculate the cream she gave me is an anti-inflammatory it would not do anything for FM. Still... just not sure. When I do nothing... it just hurts. When I sleep it hurts like a bitch which is causing problems with my crappy ass sleep. When I walk... it hurts exponentially. That is sort of like a FM thing... I mean when you go for a stroll and you have FM you will feel pain and then it will get worse and then worse and the sharp ache of it will increase rapidly until you can barely walk, but you know if you stop to rest while that will drop the pain down to a tolerable level as you stand up you will either collapse or the pain will just be screaming intense so you might as well just keep inching your way forward no matter how bad it gets until you get to where you are going. I get that sometimes very quickly... but since I have been on Lyrica not As quickly. And that is usually in my hips and knees and feet. But this increases very rapidly until I am hobbled by it. Very intense. Until I stop then it diminishes very quickly. So who the hell knows.

Then there are the migraines. Due to a policy change with my insurance company I cannot get my triptan until I get a form signed by my doctor who is out of town for a week. That unfortunately means untreated migraines. My new doctor, thankfully, permitted me some T3s but they cannot manage the pain or abort a migraine, nor can I use them for the whole time frame as they are a painkiller... best to use them only when the pain is severe and intolerable, to bring it down to within limits. Anyway, this is a problem... not a problem doctors generally care about mind you when it comes to chronic migraines, but a problem nonetheless. Hard to function and sleep when the migraines don't end. Also a problem when the FM is flaring so badly because the neck pain, which is constant from the migraines, has spread into my shoulder and down into my arm. Anyway the arm is just not functioning so well and this is the one that has the nerve issues.

It is a crapload of pain. And given my ability to function and my mobility seem to be rather compromised I am feeling rather crippled. I am amazed at how fast my back pain goes from 2 to 9 on the pain scale. I went out to finish Christmas shopping and it was no time at all before I could barely handle the pain... thankfully I was not out alone or driving or it would have been worse and this combined with the migraines is making me rather hesitant to do so these days.

Depression and taking off the mask... how I hate admitting it

I have always had troubles admitting to the emotional toll pain has on me. Something about that stoic facade I have gripped onto from years and years ago because some doctors are simply incapable of understanding that pain can cause emotional distress rather than say depression being the sole cause of all our ails. Plus there is this insane desire to not admit to weakness as if struggling with pain is a weakness. Especially when every year it is worse and treatment is never making it better and doctors don't seem to get it... or anything. I did not even like to admit the emotional toll it was having to myself. I liked the denial and the comforting lies I told myself that helped me endure. It is easy to do when pain contorts your perception of time and hazes your memory so very well. I could have a Very Bad time enduring work and the stresses of having my employer threaten my employment or just make me feel guilty or worthless for being so damn ill, such that with all the pain I was enduring to just Survive I would magnify all those little bad thoughts into Big Bad Thoughts. But just for a small time frame. Never too long. The extreme intense pain passes and it is back to just surviving and small bad thoughts. And I would let myself forget how bad it was. Over and over again I would just... let it go, because holding onto such things is not good right? I would rationalize that everyone with that much pain enduring full time work would at times feel that horrid deep dark depression that comes with such horrid intense pain episodes. It is only natural. In fact, it is part of a migraine at times. Wait it out and then just forget about it. Until thoughts becomes actions and you can't afford to lie to yourself about how powerful or frequent such things are... or how triggers like employers causing such stress can cause such profound emotion, because my day to day survival is difficult and beneath the facade it is strained and I am so very tired... such that any little thing can be quite devastating. Even though all my coping tricks to survive day to day worked fairly well in pushing back depression... because I knew how insidious it can be and how thoughts can curl up inside your brain and twist around in there... and I would not let them. But some intense pain... some additional stress and all bets are off.

I get that for the last couple of years the combination of a lack of hope, disillusionment with doctors and the inability to believe I can cope with pain during work for a long period has strained me emotionally such that my equilibrium was thrown off. My threshold for stress was thrown off. I lost my will to fight with my employer and doctors because I expected things would not go well for me because things did not go well for me. And I admit I was quite aware on some level that I was depressed because either I did not care at all about anything or the smallest things would trigger the most intense reaction. But I had suffered a bit of a trauma and I thought eventually I would shake it off and if I did not... did it really matter? Clearly I decided it mattered enough to see a psychologist because I was beyond the shock of it all to at least try and fight a little even if I did not honestly think it was going to make a difference. Which is what I am still doing.

So I am getting my doctor to fill our my long term disability forms and my psychologist believes it is a good idea to mention the depression because it might help with the claim. Because no one gets chronic pain apparently but they get depression. And the depression I have is directly correlated to the pain. I loath that by the way. I said one day that I did not understand why I could have such intense reactions to such small things... like my neuros rather brief and unhelpful email reply to my carefully structured email. She said it made perfect sense because of the chronic pain and the lack of sleep my serotonin is rather low and it takes very little to make it plummet. I loath it because it is irrational. You can't out-think it. I remember when I was younger and had early FM I was depressed about it and not coping with the pain... I got out of that depression with some self cognitive therapy and that is how I try not to sink into a serious depression now on a everyday basis, pain corrodes that a little but there is still a framework for it to work. Anyway, migraines and acute pain can cause a depression that is profound, rapid and irrational. It is not the same thing at all. When the pain is managed it is a bit better. When I'm not working it is a bit better, which is why I fear work. It is clearly worse now, after my suicide attempt than it was before... because before I had these little blips and then pretended they did not happen and pretended I was fine and I had this sliver of hope and I thought if I just fought through the pain there would be a light at the end of the tunnel and I would do this repetitively until I was forced to go on short term leave and then start all over again forgetting how hard it had been the previous time... and after I realized my doctors could not care less, there was no hope, I would always fight this pain and it would always be this way and I could not even trust myself in one of those darkest moments of pain. And I can admit it makes a huge difference in how I see things. And I said to my doctor that my psychologist said I was depressed and she would be sending a letter to go along with my claim to explain the details. And he of course... recommended a anti-depressant. And then asked if I thought I would be ready to return to work on some sort of accommodation... I must say, I think he should have thought about that before saying it. But he said it. To my credit at least I said... no, don't think that would be such a grand idea at this point in time. When in fact my anxiety actually went quite high at the very thought and then that sort of... dread. But clearly... he does not freaking get it.

Point being I get how I got to this point and fully appreciate the irony of it as well. And I am looking for a new doctor who perhaps comprehends the nature of chronic pain and how it can cause depression. But at the same time I hate admitting it out loud. Like saying it gives it power... power I denied it before by simply... denying it. Obviously denying it did not work. Obviously suppressing emotion and just surviving day to day eventually breaks a person... but after they are broken, what breaks them even more is having doctors who don't get it at all and don't put any effort in helping that person heal a little. But actually accepting the label and discussing it and so forth seems to just bring it out more... seems to give the pain more power. I want at least the illusion of strength and to wear a stoic facade. So I understand the nature of pain, migraines and brain chemistry and how it all came to be. I understand my positive coping strategies and how to avoid negative thoughts. And I understand nothing is simple. I understand I have to get my current doctor to understand to some degree the seriousness of the situation so he can fill out those forms properly and I understand that he does not. But admitting to be depressed, even if it is not a continuous depression but more dependent on pain levels and external stressors, just seems like I am ripping off that mask I always wear and exposing something that should be always hidden so that it does not consume me.

cortical spreading depression (CSD), might also explain how migraines become chronic

Millions of people who experience an aura before a migraine live with little understanding of the flashing lights, tingling arms, incoherent speech or other symptoms that presage an attack. But a new study led by a University of Utah neurologist shows that these pre-migraine symptoms, caused by a wave of brain activity, may change the way the brain responds.      This wave, called a cortical spreading depression (CSD), might also explain how migraines become chronic in millions of people, according to K.C. Brennan, M.D., Assistant Professor of Neurology at the U of U School of Medicine and senior author on the study.“CSD moves across the brain like a ripple in a pond,” Brennan says. It drives nerve cells to fire uncontrollably, and causes large changes in blood flow. For at least an hour afterward, it changes the way the brain reacts to its environment.  “It’s like turning up the volume in all of the senses.” ....After the CSD passed, they saw larger and sharper sensory responses, and a decreased ability to adapt to stimuli.“The CSD wave causes the brain to react differently,” says Brennan. “Every sense is heightened, which is remarkably like what patients describe during their migraines.”The changes – or sensory plasticity – identified by Brennan and colleagues can last long after CSD passes. If repeated over time, they might help explain why some migraines become chronic, according to Brennan.Migraine Auras 'Turn Up the Volume'of the Senses

Makes sense. Wonder what it means when you have persistent migraine auras then? My brain is on fire!

Interviewed a new doctor today

So for some time now I have had some dissatisfaction with my general doctor. It is not that he is a horrible doctor it is simply that he never has the time and it just seems like he does not listen all that much. And when I feel rushed I often forget things and then those things just never get mentioned. Which is a problem. However the main reason is that he does not seem to get the magnitude of my pain problem. Yes, he sent me to a neuro for my chronic migraines, which is great and easy. Yes, he has even assisted with some other migraine related medications that have helped and I appriciate the effort.... such as a med for vertigo and my digestive problems and nausea... But overall how he handled me in regards to my work situation does not sit well with me, expecially when it was at its worse and he treated that situation so offhandedly. It was not so casual an experience for me by any means. And this going on short term leave and then back to work, and missing too many days, and eventually back on short term, and then back to work and missing too many days... over and over again is hellish because workplaces really don't like that and that makes my life hell, worse than working itself does. Point being, at the core of the problem I figure is not really him... I'm sure he is perfectly fine at his job and insanely busy in fact... I think the problem is that we do not mesh well and we do not communicate well and I often feel ackward even talking to him now. So what is the point then?

However, there are so few doctors around here that are available to take patients. So I decided to ask my common law spouses doctor if she would consider taking me on, given we are 'spouses' even though she is not taking on new patients. And I asked this because I already know she is a good doctor... she has to be to get my bf to actually talk about anything related to his health and say more than two words. He hates the doctors offices. Hates, hates, hates. And she has greatly helped him for his gastroparesis, IBS, arthritis on his toe which in fact needed surgery, and because she was following up so well for his gastroparesis she did a CAT scan that happened to catch his stage one kidney cancer that had no symptoms... so I'm rather fond of her for all of that. Still communication between people is important so we schedualed a meeting and greet, which is always a little indimidating because you never know how a doctor is going to take being presented with a patient with complex chronic pain conditions. We are tricky and doctors don't like tricky. She was great though. She really listened to what I was saying about my current treatments and medications. She is wary of opiates and the potential of over using but will use them when necessary and that is a philosophy I like to see in a doctor.... it is the same I have when using them, which obviously I currently am not anyway. She said my pain is a complex situation with the FM and the migraines and honestly the way she expressed it startled me a little because I am so used to the situation being minimized and the FM being completely disregarded. She asked a lot about the FM actually. She said she was not sure she would recommend to send me to a new neuro given all the medications I have tried and that she would be more inclined to send me to a pain specialist clinic... and that astonished me. Because that would address both conditions and that would be, wow, revolutionary.

Problem was I did go see her with a migraine and near the end there I started fumbling my words a bit. And forgetting stuff... even though I brought my book with all my meds in it I managed to forget to tell her some. Dang it. Still, she sent me for blood work and to come back in a month for a full physical to get things going. Which is a good start, right? Get all the blood work and a physical and a hystory. She did everything right there. And a very good overall conversation. As much of on we could have given my history is obviously extensive. I liked her. She did listen well. I think as an overall docotr she will be Better. For migraines... well, who knows, hard to say that always depends on the so called experts. But I need someone to look at all my need, not just my refills and not just my migraines and their symptoms. But the whole picture.

She gave me a small script for T3, which are mild but she thought I would have something to help with pain reduction if needed... two at most per day. And she gave me something for my back pain, which hoepfully will help... but not sure it will, I have tried a few things so far and it seems rather consistently there for the long haul.

I still need to see my other doc to fill out the long term forms because he has known me long enough to do so... but after that... I'm done.

Got long term disability work docs... remembering the horror of it all

Got my long term documentation in the mail for work today. It should be a simple thing. People keep saying that it should be just a fact that I should be on long term leave, given all the other lesser conditions on which people have gotten long term leave in the past, given my state of mind, given the nature of my medical condition, given the amount of pain I am in and even given other symptoms like the vertigo and such. But it is not a simple thing. It is a horrifically complex thing that has very little to do with me and more to do with how my doctor fills out the form and how insurance companies work. And yes that makes me feel very powerless and I suppose it is designed to. I have a lot of anxiety with the process because I have been declined in the past... and I must admit that each time I hoped that my doctors would have my back and save me from the very fact I could not survive in a full-time work environment and therefore save me from myself... that is from that inevitable future moment when I knew there was no hope and I could no longer handle such an existence. But they did not and that moment arrived. And when i survived my suicide by happenchance, well, then I got declined by long term again... and that... that was a brutal shot that shattered any small fraction of hope I had left in me. I thought no wonder they were not surprised by my suicide attempt... it must not be odd at all, they make it like they expect it... like they give you permission by the very fact they don't give a damn. I had not been disillusioned by my doctor or neuro until that point there. Enduring without hope I found out is a rather difficult thing... it isn't the same. It is like automatic pilot. You do the dance because you know the moves, but you can't hear the music. Even a made up hope that you create yourself, where you just fool yourself into believing it exists on which I had survived for years and years... likely because I intentionally put aside all the nasty things my employer put me through, worked for me for a very long time. Despite all evidence that my pain was going to be the same, that medication was not working... I made up hopes to get me through. Because we all have the will to survive. We can create lies and Believe them if we have to. But then i couldn't anymore. And that was really tricky.

You can't believe in the little lies that get you through the moment, the hour, the day, the week and the month... then how the hell are you going to want to survive? How are you going to be anything but numb or at best ambivalent to your own survival? And that is what I was for quite some time being thrust back to work... knowing they would not compromise to help me survive, damn, they just wanted to be rid of me but at least I no longer cared about all the criticisms because what did they matter anyway in the scheme of things? I was there and that is what they wanted, what more could they ask for? What more could they demand of me? Suffer more? Bleed more? Well, they demanded I miss less work, but I could not do that, no matter how much I tried. It made me so damn angry that they almost killed me and did not give a damn... likely did not even acknowledge their role in it... were likely too damn oblivious to it. My role was clear. It was simply to endure the suffering forever with no relief. And, yes, I was angry after a time but that was better than numb. Not that my anger mattered except it makes you want to survive to just spite others. But beyond the anger was this profound realization that within the core of my essence I was trembling... holding in this suffering that could never be expressed, that always had to be masked and was just barely hidden. Barely even concealed anymore. I used to be able to hide my pain so effectively, at least when it was not extremely acute or the symptoms were not obvious... but I could not do that anymore. It was like even facing the truth about my reality would just fill me with intense despair such that I could not even acknowledge it... but obviously it occurs. People even would ask me how I was doing and if they were sincere I would tear up and have problems answering... just too much pain in the fact that I was not doing well and had no hope of ever doing well and had no idea how I would be able to cope with that for the long term. I had some anxiety thinking about the future that I never had before because I knew I was not capable of coping with that level of pain at work for an extended period of time and I feared myself and how I would eventually respond to that knowledge... eventually. Who knew how long I would endure again. You want to fight the good fight but I had no fight left in me... so I was just coasting as it was. I knew the pain ruled every moment of my life. Working takes a lot of concentration, energy and effort and the pain rather gets aggravated by that... there is no life left after that. I was like a boat on extreme stormy seas preying the a rogue wave would not come along and swamp me... but knowing it was coming, just not knowing when. When would the pain consume all reason? A few sleepless nights. Some extra stress at work. One thought... one moment. So don't think... never think about it... just endure it... just survive and maybe that wave will never come. No, I knew I could not survive a long period of time and was desperate to think of alternative work environments... anything, everything.

So when I had a chat with my new manager who was a very nice lady and I acknowledged the fact I should apply for leave again... because even that casual conversation had me blinking back tears. So I did and here I am. This time I decided to see a therapist which made a lot of sense because when I had hope I could pretend to cope in numerous ways... some very effective ways, but yes, there were always emotional consequences to unmanaged pain like that, especially over such a long duration. Clearly though I need to deal with those emotional consequences, this new anxiety and find ways to deal with the suffering even if the pain remains unmanaged. Obviously. Acute pain makes my moods erratic in ways I'd rather wish they were not.

To say seeing this documentation is stressful is an understatement in the extreme. I was I'd say very anxious to see it. I have not started to fill it out yet, but I will tomorrow and then I will have to make a doctor appointment to have him to fill out his part... and 'hope' he fills his part out completely. I get that at least my therapist is on my side, but... I just have no faith in this system and am terrified of it all. I just really am not ready to face the consequences of being denied. I mean it seems so simple. So simple. I'd just return to work like I never left right? Except I'm not being treated for vertigo anymore in any way so would they even let me return to the branch I was transferred to? Part of me wants to return to work because I Should work... I should pull my weight and so forth. But part of me is knows how much worse the pain will be and it is bad enough as it is. And that part of me knows it does not matter what I think, or anyone thinks, it is impossible to accomplish in the long term. Or even the short term considering how much work I miss. But the long term is what I fear because I'm not as strong as I was, when I had my make belief hope and pretended one day the pain would be less than it is and that I could have at least some sort of a normal life... illusions. Forcing myself to keep those illusions will be the death of me and if I want to survive I need to find a different way... I just need to figure out that different way. Damned if they make it easy though.

I know all that sounds depressing and really I'm not that depressed most of the time... or even in the last couple of years. But I clearly am when I'm in a lot of pain which is an issue. And, yeah, clearly my confidence in my ability to cope is rather damaged. They should tell that to chronic pain patients who have survived suicide... 'never walk near cliffs... it is too tempting'... because we know what we are capable of rather than just the bad thoughts that occur in many of us when we are in such constant pain. When thoughts turn to actions... you fear yourself a bit. But I suppose that is a good thing in a sense to fear that. I fear work for that reason and I should not because eventually I will have to deal with the pain or the suffering it causes anyway... even if as I said, the pain never gets better, and if that is the case, I need to find a way to survive and I don't think that will ever be with my current employer or occupation, long term, but I wish it to be something. Anyway I loath these documents. I loath how they made me feel. How they make me remember what I used to feel. I wish I bloody well did not have to deal with it, but that clearly is not an option.

yoga determined my back is shot to hell

Since my chronic migraine hell has landed me off work for a bit I've been trying to do yoga daily to compensate... because unfortunately no activity when it comes to fibromyalgia can also cause pain, just like any activity can, just like sitting too long can, or standing too long can... you need some sort of mobility anyway. Mine was walking and yoga, that is until I got too ill from medication side effects.
However, something flared up some serious back pain and I don't think it was the yoga or the walking. I have no idea what it was but both aggravated it and it has been extremely sensitive since. It bothers me when i try to sleep, when walking and when trying to do yoga and when standing up from sitting. I have now sufficiently recovered from my medication side effects to Do activities again, prior to the migraine pain hitting anyway, so today I managed 20 minutes. I know sounds impressive. Trust me it is for FM. It really, really is... and painful. Some of that was a bit of strength building exercises, or what I would call that anyway (holding my arms up is essentially strength building but anyway it was not yoga, more intense stuff). Several poses aggravated my back pain, but then I Feel pain in several areas when I do these poses so not unusual.
This pose made me realize just how bad my back really is. It is supposed to help with back pain. (the other one I know that is supposed to help made it feel way worse) I literally could not even get close to doing this. The start of this you are on your elbows then you raise up on your arms and arch back. I was in an insane amount of pain on my elbows... no way in hell could I get up on my arms. And partially this is why I have troubles sleeping... I sleep on my stomach and just lying down I feel a lot of pain, so I have been pulling on knee up to my chest to feel less pain.
So... not sure if this is an FM flare thing or a back pain thing. It has been six months now... so that counts in my books as long enough to mention to the doctor since it is not going away on its own and is compromising my ability to function. So yet another freaking doctor appointment.

Avoiding stress during the holiday season with fibromyalgia

Avoiding stress during the holiday season with fibromyalgia

I should have wrote this a little earlier I figure but I've been so blasted with pain I've been non-functional... but here it is! These apply to all chronic pain really and honestly I'd say if you are like me and are a vetran at this chronic pain thing you likely know them all... but always a good reminder.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and such!!! I'm still not done shopping due to the whole crippled by pain thing but I'm getting there.

Good-bye to fluorescent light bulbs?

 "based on field-induced polymer electroluminescent (FIPEL) technology, also gives off soft, white light – not the yellowish glint from fluorescents or bluish tinge from LEDs.

“People often complain that fluorescent lights bother their eyes, and the hum from the fluorescent tubes irritates anyone sitting at a desk underneath them,” said David Carroll, the scientist leading the development of this technology at Wake Forest. “The new lights we have created can cure both of those problems and more.”
The team uses a nano-engineered polymer matrix to convert the charge into light. This allows the researchers to create an entirely new light bulb – overcoming one of the major barriers in using plastic lights in commercial buildings and homes. The research supporting the technology is described in a study appearing online in advance of publication in the peer-reviewed journal Organic Electronics." -newswise
To a degree florescent lights are unpleasant for everyone and in fact cause headaches and fatigue in the general population... also there have been studies that show they actually increase overall sick days. In regards to migraines, well they are worse, but would these be better? Not sure. "The device is made of three layers of moldable white-emitting polymer blended with a small amount of nanomaterials that glow when stimulated to create bright and perfectly white light similar to the sunlight human eyes prefer. However, it can be made in any color and any shape – from 2x4-foot sheets to replace office lighting to a bulb with Edison sockets to fit household lamps and light fixtures." -  I mean I have a strong loathing for sunlight as well. Just saying. But maybe tinted ones. lol. Just getting rid of the hum flicker and unpleasant hue might be an improvement really.

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...