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New Year Worries and Family

I had my first appointment of the New Year with my shrink after the holidays. It was sort of amusing because I felt like crap but she thought I looked pretty good. It was one of those migraines that fools a lot of people into thinking I'm doing pretty good. I was in the beginning stages of it and so the pain had yet to peak and I was getting out of the groggy and going right into nervous, edgy, chatty, energized, shaky. One of Those migraines. The opposite of... dopey, dull, and depressed. It can confuse a shrink into thinking I am in a good mood because I am sort of... in a hypomanic mood in fact. Nothing wrong with that because I do feel good during that stage and I can think clearly and I am usually quite articulate and creative. Better than being a depressed idiot. But it threw her because she was asking then for what sort of things had improved my mood. And in fact I have been rather anxious about my Long Term disability... because my short term has just ended and I have not heard a damn thing from my insurance company by phone, letter or email. I have tried to get a hold of the short term people but the chick is on holidays and left no number for the person handling her crap. So I called the insurance people and I got a hold of them but the person I talked to said she could not access the information because she was in the wrong time zone so I had to call back the next day at a different number and a different time, so I did but missed them and left my number... and point is I have no clue what the status is. I left a message with my employer about the fact I have no clue about the status, which has to suck for them because they don't know if I am coming or going so whether they can hire someone to hold that position or whether I am coming back. So... yeah, a little freaking stressed. I'm not ready to return to work, but at the same time, I'll have no choice if I am declined, so that is what the shrink is for in the first place, to help me deal with the harsh emotional realities of dealing with all the acute pain in situations I cannot control, and how to control the suffering that causes. I need someone to help with the fallout. And if I go on long term, she can help with strategies to get me functional. Along with the pain clinic.

We also talked about the holidays and how I coped with that. I had felt insanely tired in quite a bit of pain really. But the holidays always are that way for some reason. And I explained my weird ass back pain situation made it difficult to get around and get shopping done. We discussed how a chiropractor with my condition might not be a good option. I was considering it, but maybe she is right... a lot more pain with FM would linger quite some time. So I guess I will wait and see what that new doctor thinks. It really is compromising my mobility... just for walking any distances. I'm fine at home.

But I said I always enjoy the holidays. I always have and I always will because I love spending time with my family. Christmas is my favorite time of year because of it. It may be that my family does not get together as often as we should and this year I was not able to see my younger brothers, my younger brothers girl friend and my younger brothers mother at actual Christmas like I wanted to this year because I was feeling so cruddy... but I did in the New Year. I sometimes feel like my health inhibits a relationship I could have with them. And even with my older brother and his girlfriend, because I simply do not have the energy to go out and do things or drink or hang out. I feel like those connections would all be stronger if I was able to just get in my car and go meet up with family members somewhere for lunch or something one in awhile to catch up or hang out. So I think that is what makes the holidays so vital for me. I don't even care how I feel at the time. I could have a wicked migraine and I don't miss it. I just love seeing them. Just love being around them. And it makes me feel good. She knows I go out with my mom for coffee or book shopping and said maybe we should do more of that... just to get out of the house and socialize, because that obviously makes me feel connected and good. I agree. I just need to make more excuses to do so. Mom is retired and has time and I have time (potentially) so I think I will think of something. A person can depend on family I guess in a way on cannot depend on friends.. friends give up on you eventually when you cannot meet up with them, cannot go to planned events, eventually they drift away, which is normal... but being introverted it has never bothered me much. I just said to the shrink that while losing people to this illness has never bothered me, when I am not working I get no social interaction, no work friends, and I am prone to becoming a complete recluse... which also doesn't bother me... but is not healthy. To not do that I have to literally find excuses to leave the house and interact with the real world, but my spouse does not want me driving, so rather tricky to do.
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