Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Still waiting on long term application... may be poverty stricken by the time I hear from them

Since there have been delays with paperwork due to my employer and then my doctors office my insurance company just recently got all the proper forms for my long term disability application... let alone looked at them. As you can imagine going from two incomes to one income unexpectedly, when I was already dealing with the decrease in income from short term... has left a rather large gap in the budget. A tight budget I can handle, but no income on my part I cannot... just too many bills to account for. Anyway, sure went into the hole this month. Which would either mean using credit to get out of... which I rather abhor the thought of since I don't know what the foreseeable future looks like and I don't spend what I can't pay. (I have been trying to reduce those due to the fact I know our budget was going to decline and have to some extent succeeded). Or ride it out and hope the forms come through, but our overdraft is right on the limit and when my spouse gets paid we will still be over drawn which means not really helping since bills will need to be paid and these insurance things are rather slow. So... we have decided to redeem a small investment. We don't have any really. My spouse has RRSPs through work, which is good, but we had a small one for him for tax purposes a few years back that we will redeem. This will work but I loath the idea of it. I mean I like balancing debts with assets and we are short on the investment side of things.

And I am plagued with the guilt that it is my fault. Because it is. Because I am this smart person with a couple of degrees under her belt who cannot freaking function. And I think at best I can ever only function sporadically because at best these migraines, or the chronic pain beast that has consumed me, can only be tamed sporadically... or not even tamed... endured with the helped of medications and other coping mechanisms but then eventually don't help anymore and it goes crazy like a wild fire and I have to figure it out all over again, but not like any workplace tolerates you while your doctor is trying to help you with medication adjustments... because they don't. So barely functioning (but seeming to function) to not functioning at all... repetitively. And feeling horrific and useless about it. And never feeling like you are ever getting anywhere, because your not. At best you are treading water and not sinking, and then your sinking... but then your not and for a moment you feel victorious because you did not drown but big freaking deal. It is utterly freaking stagnant. And I Hate it. I hate that I can't change this. I have these ideas and dreams on how to change it and maybe I can make something of those. I damn well better, because I can handle this. I know what I can't do, I need a new paradigm.

And I know why I got so depressed about it and felt like I was doing the world a favor by taking myself out of the picture... because I literally feel like I am pulling people down with me. That is a horrible feeling. It is not just guilt. It is that sense that if you didn't exist people would be in a better place. That if you removed yourself from existence, aside from the natural morning process and sentimental mourning, they would be better for it and in fact the world itself would not know the difference and in some sense, when it comes to your workplace, they would actually be relieved. Now I know this is a very skewed look at reality... but it was a very rational argument when I was suicidal. I mean I was in an insane amount of pain, my employer clearly was looking for an excuse to be rid of me and was going to demote me if I missed another day to a role that would be harder for me to cope with and easier for me to be laid of from, I was stressed, I seriously felt felt all of the above, even knowing it would cause pain to those I loved, but my pain was so endless and so intense I could not bear it anymore. I'm not in enough pain or that mindset to do down that road again.. maybe because I know all the signs that led me there or maybe because I'm not working. But I see how it could get there.

Where I am at. Is just sad that I am the cause of these money troubles. Which are stressing me out. And creating anxiety about how I can fix them somehow. And finding ways to do so. Because I made them. I do feel a burden to my spouse who assures me 'everything will be fine'... but money is not his thing. I'm tired of all these problems with my applications and these continuous screw ups from the banks, the doctors office and the late submission by my employer.
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