Migraine Awareness Month #29 Misfits

Misfits. (If you live with Chronic Migraine, incorporate it into today's post.)

Going to have to keep this short. Rather unwell today. Acute migraine this morning and triptan side effects have stolen this day... and seriously wiped out and just not feeling so hot right now.

So, chronic migraines... yep that would be me. What can I say about this reality?

It is defined as 15 migraines or more a month. Mine are currently daily. One would hope with some moderately effective treatment I can get to around that 20 marker. That would be nice.

Treatment, when you do not have effective preventatives and have daily migraines....
Triptan... for me. Doesn't work for everyone. Doesn't work all the time. Doesn't work all of the day most of the time. Can't take it more than three days out of the week... so there is a problem right there because there are those other four unaccounted days. Treatment is a problem. Sometimes I have a rescue med prescribed, most of the times not. Sometimes it is T3s which is hardly a rescue med really and once Tramacet which did a little better but not much, but something is better than nothing... and usually it is nothing.

The status migraines are dangersous when I get them, as they are for as all... a acute migraine lasting more than three days. It requires a trip to the ER. The ER here gives me toradol which doesn't abort the status migraine. Toradol shots, like toradol pills, which I had a very adverse reaction to, I also have a adverse reaction to. So I stopped going to the ER. My doctor prescribed me toradol shots anyway, if I wanted the side effects I could have them at home. So it can be difficult to get adequate treatment or understanding at an ER for the seriousness of migraine disease or educated doctors on it.

I had a migraine that lasted about six days or so... on the fourth day I woke up with half my hand numb. Felling rotten as well I called in sick. As I said didn't go to the ER. The numbness spread from half the hand across all the way to the thumb until it was the whole hand... as it did so over the course of a few days it also spread to the left hand, pinkie, side of hand and tip of ring finger before it stopped. This nerve damage which is permanent was caused by the migraines. It causes lack of dexterity, the pinkie in particular on my right side can't even fully move right, lack of the ability to feel texture due to the numbness, pricking pain when I press on things, a nerve pain at times that is very unpleasant. So dangerous to have a migraine last that long. Apparently it is possible I had a stroke in my sleep... not sure, either way nerve damage occurred.

The migraines themselves being unmanaged obviously affect my ability to work. I missed a great deal of work, which displeased my employer greatly. I went on many leave of absences due to stress and changes to treatments. My career was affected as I was demoted more than once because of this.

I had a hard time managing the pain and working. It was simply too much pain to handle while working full time. Caused a great deal of stress. Caused a great deal of sleep deprivation. Caused powerful bouts of depression. Eventually caused a suicide attempt. Fortunately I was lucky enough that my brother has a bizarre bout of insomnia that night and felt the need to check on me. That led to a short term leave of absence. And more depression when I returned to the same factors and same pain. Everything changes and everything stays the same.

I'm currently on a long term leave of absence... I believe the only reason I got it to be honest was because of the depression... like chronic migraines are not Significant enough to warrant a long term leave of absence. I don't believe it will last long. And I have no clue what to do when it is up. And that gives me some significant anxiety... because I am afraid to return to that... that desperation I felt when I worked full time... it is not a nice place to Live in. To want to survive in.

And that is what chronic migraines are for me.

And does that make me a misfit? Maybe... but not a lonely one... no... not by a long shot. So many of us share this road together. So many of us don't survive this road. So many of us fighting to survive.

Does it make me feel discarded, ignored, dismissed? Yes. That. It makes me feel that. Like the impact of my migraines is no big deal. My career has been greatly impacted. I have no idea how to resolve the problems with it. I have suffered permanent damage to my body. I have tried to kill myself. Yet... no major impact. No big deal. Clearly I can just deal with it with a few lifestyle changes and all this will go away. I feel like a misfit, a group of misfits that are under treated, vastly ignored and stigmatized in many facets of our lives.

This post took all day, pieces of the day I could manage to get done... it is in fact now the next day. But I got it done. At least I manged to do something... definitely didn't manage anything else from the couch. Such a lost day. June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

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