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Sunday, July 21, 2013

I think I'm getting sick but hard to tell really... but I do know I need to reconsider that smoking thing

I think I'm getting sick but it is hard to say sometimes. I have a wickedly bad migraine with insanely bad symptoms so to be honest that has most of my attention. But I think I have a pretty bad cold coming on which I should pay attention to. I had a very bad asthma attack which is quite unusual for me... as in I don't actually have asthma 'attacks' per sa. When not on my preventative I have very poor breathing quality and a lot of wheezing but I don't have the chest heaving 'I need to breath ASAP asthma attack' which also means I really never know when to take my puffer because I really never know 'when it is bad enough'.

I went to bed the night before and lay down on my side and noticed right away my heart was just pounding. That in-self is not unusual. My heart rate can be crazy sometimes and do some crazy things. I waited for it to settle down and realized my breathing was irregular and shallow. So I took a deep breath to regulate it and it was hard to take that in. I let it out and immediately my breathing went all shallow again. Like it just was difficult to get a normal breath In. It didn't bother me overly because I have felt a bit stuffed up lately due to allergies. And don't want to take allergy medication that might mess with other medication. Anyway I got comfortable on my stomach and took very little time to realize I had some serious troubles breathing like that. Very shallow breaths and difficult to take in a deep breath, then back to shallow breaths. But I wasn't wheezing. Since I wasn't wheezing I tried to just sleep like that but it was Effort. Eventually I gave up because every time I adjusted my position my heart would skip beats and that caused a loss of air for a moment then rapid heart rate for a bit. So i sat up and then... coughed like crazy. Got up to get my puffer and got insanely dizzy. Puffer really helped. So obviously that was the right choice. No idea what the hell caused that reaction at all.

And now I have been coughing like I have a cold and not sure if that means I need to take more asthma medication or I'm getting sick. I think I'm getting sick because today I woke up and one eye was all poofed up and all day it was tearing, or literally crying, and hazy. And that side my ear hurts but that could be from the wicked migraine which is literally causing a massive amount of pain and symptoms. Hell the eye could be from that. Hell the asthma attack could be from the abortives. The only think that doesn't fit... today all of a sudden I have very cloudy urine, no other sign of a urinary track infection and a urinary tract infection has nothing to do with a damn cold, but there you go... sign of an infection nonetheless. Or kidney stones, given I Am on Topamax. But I do have loads of cranberry juice and water so I am drinking that as I write this. If I get a cold and a urinary tract infection at the same time I will not be pleased.

If I am getting sick I firmly blame that on my brother's girlfriend who was quite ill and stepped foot in my house all of ten minutes last week. That is literally all it takes with me. Just breathing in my general direction. However, I don't like that asthma attack thing. It literally freaked me out. Freaked me out so much that at that very moment I decided to quit smoking. You have to understand prior to going to bed my heart had been doing that skipping thing when I shifted and... that short of breath thing that comes when your heart skips seems to be correlated like when you are not breathing right your heart does funny things. I can never figure out which is causing which to be honest, which is why I can never figure out the problem with triptan side effects... it causes problems with my breathing and heart rhythms, occasionally angina sure but that is rare... usually heart rhythm issues and asthma like breathing problems. So the fact my breathing got that bad when I went to bed... yeah serious concern for me. I have had some serious concerns, sure, after some triptan use... but this was a non abortive day I think... or at least I had not taken much of that caffergot anyway. If I'm getting sick that would explain it because the last time I got sick that was pretty damn bad on the breathing side... almost ended up in the ER I was so concerned with my breathing, and I have to be seriously desperate to go There. But I can't even be sure I am sick yet. And even if I am, if my asthma is getting that bad that a cold knocks it that out of whack then seriously need to reconsider that smoking thing.

Now... how the hell do I stop smoking. Easy to have the epiphany. Harder to do. Thing is I am in a lot of pain a lot of the time. No way to manage it. I have my triptans I can take some of the time that sometimes work part of the day. And I have T3s that don't really work I can take occasionally that obviously when I do take are for a very short part of the day.... generally these are used on days where I cannot take the triptan but need to be somewhere while in a lot of pain or on a day where I cannot take the triptan but need to take down the pain a notch so I can sleep. So 80% of the time I have no pain management at all. And that is Stressful. And yeah I am seeing a psychologist for other pain management techniques but lets be brutally honest here... how effective are relaxing breathing and mediation going to be for me when I have to go back to work if they are not effective now when I am in a fuckload of pain? Huh? Not much. This kind of pain needs more than that and unfortunately I will never get that sort of treatment so I will have to function with pain that is beyond human comprehension. Smoking is one way of stepping away from an intolerable situation and de-stressing so I don't snap, or scream, or cry, or break down, or yell... and be the nice, friendly, smiling face people want to see. Until I snap of course. Just because it is not a positive way to cope doesn't mean it didn't help me cope with an impossible situation. So maybe I could quit now, but it would be very hard because when I am in a lot of pain... I do want to smoke. But I think I could do it. But when I return to work which in this nice Canadian society I dwell in I think it is inevitable... I think I'd start again pretty damn quick. Keeping in mind that in that state of mind prolonging my life expectancy... is not an issue.
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