Friday, July 12, 2013

What is negative? What is th postive you want to feel?

So my psychologist asks these questions before he proceeds with this weird EMDR therapy for chronic pain.I don't know if the EMDR therapy is working yet be the questions always get me thinking.

But the questions of what is the most negative thing you associate with your pain I don't like because well I don't want to think about those things. I could in general relate to the whole list of them. I could in general focus on the whole list of them and work myself into a real state if I wanted to. I think the first time I picked I can never be successful because I worry a great deal about my ability to function right now. And this time I picked was something about unable to physically be well because I have just been unable to get around the pain and symptoms to get to the point where I can see where certain things can be conceivable goals. I can't work. I need to work. Obviously this was on my mind. Is on my mind. Consumes me with trying to find solutions. And the whole purpose of me seeing him to begin with. Those two negative ones are not easy to pick out by any means. Honestly you look at that list and it is like 'I relate to that'. 'Oh, I relate to That'. But clearly my inability to function and my worry about my capacity to work is an immediate concern and causes a great deal of anxiety so it is was a top concern the first time. Today I picked a more pervasive all around I cannot function one because the pain has been intense lately, as has the fatigue and vertigo and it seems even when off I can do so very little... so very little functionality even when I'm off means that is very little capacity to function and that worries me a great deal in my what options I have available to me to resolve my problems.

And then you are supposed to pick the positive thing you to associate about your pain and the first time I said I want to be worthy. I want to feel worthy. I don't want to feel useless because I cannot work. I want to be able to function. I don't want to feel guilty. I want a purpose. And I understand my inability to work at this time has nothing to do with my worth. I get that. I just want to have that sense of self-worth again in any sense of the word. And to some degree it has come back in inches and will come back more if I get some self-confidence I can manage the pain a bit a be capable of more things. If you are able to fill your life with just small things then you have more self-worth and that does not always mean work. However, I do need to work in some capacity to survive. And it is a blow to my self-worth every time when I am not Capable of types of work and I struggle to find these solutions to that.

I have no idea what the intent behind these exercises is by the way. But I'm a very introspective person so I think about them a great deal afterwards. They remind me a great deal of the self cognitive therapy I did a long time ago. And to that end they are a good exercise to engage in to sort of see what you are currently thinking about. That real negative idea you have floating around and what that stems from and what sort of positive framework you want to aim for.

Now today for that positive thought associated with my pain I choice I want options. Being as I feel so limited by myself physically I would want options. ...But the one that sticks with me now is 'I deserve to live' so i guess I should have picked that one. Because really when it comes down to it I want to survive but I have all this pain I have to cope with and I also need to work, and I cannot find the ground where these two meet and I can achieve a balance. But I deserve to live right? I deserve to have pain management. I deserve to not have to struggle with so much pain that it wanting to survive is an issue. And yet that would be my greatest fear because I have to find a way to meet my financial goals and yet have to find a way to endure the pain.

But yes, that stuck out in my mind pretty clearly. I deserve to live. I suppose I do. Don't we all? We deserve to live. And we deserve effective pain management so that we can work if we have to work.
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