Got a letter from my insurance company about my leave

About whether I will return to work or whether I can continue on long term disability. They requested information from my doctor and psychologist but I do not have a neuro or pain clinic yet to get them information on that. Nor will I on time. I'm likely to see a neuro before Decemeber and the pain clinic by next April. Sounds like they do not believe I qualify for extended leave right now. They implied in the letter that in fact they believe I am capable of doing 'a' job... a distinction which is important to them for continuing disability.

Not sure how it will swing but I'll find out soon. The problem is every time I get a letter or talk to the insurance people I freak out. I have tremendous anxiety. Anxiety makes you think of worst case scenarios... I survive the worst case scenarios when it comes to migraines, caused by working, and my anxiety comes from believing if I work again... that is exactly what will happen. You see I can cope with chronic migraines at about 15 or a little more per month and fibromyalgia and work. It isn't fun and there is no room for a social but I can... and I did. I just could not cope well with the daily migraines, the persistent migraine auras, the spontaneous bouts of vertigo, and FM. But even that, while, horrific because I had no pain management and soul sucking and in 'survival' mode I think I would have at least survived, although my employer no doubt still would have had an issue with my sick days. It is the status migraines which are monthly or more than monthly when I am working that led to my actual suicide attempt. They are these endless acute migraines. But you have to function through them. And you begin to not be able to get any sleep or some days just a few hours. So you are sleep deprived and in a lot of pain. Then your mood also is a factor because it can plummet into the worse depression, that will be gone with the migraine, but that migraine can be three to seven to a week and a half long. And I listened the the pained depressed voice one of those work nights. And the status migraines and so forth are going to happen. And maybe a year, or two or ten down the road I will listen to that pained depressive thinking again during one. It is easy to do when day to day life is just this struggle to get to work, struggle to focus during the pain at work and collapsing after. It is not a pleasant existence and add in some extreme negative thinking and pained thinking at that... well it never leads to a good place.

There are exceptionally great things about working that you do not want to give up. And you feel like a loser giving up your career. You just have to accept your limitations. But no one wants to exist in such a high pain state all the time. Nor want to risk their survival because of it. It is madness. I would have no anxiety if I didn't think it was a risk and I do think it is a risk.

This is why even prior to attempting to extend my short term into a long term I started seeing a psychologist. I did not think this leave would last. I'm very cynical about these things. And I thought it made a lot of sense to find someone to help me with my emotional stability, with coping with chronic pain and with finding methods to perhaps sleep while in pain. Whatever they could toss out there to increase my strategies and ability to survive the pain and suffering that comes with the pain. Because my pain has exceeded my coping strategies and I was well aware of it. Mine had ended up being 'push through the pain' until the weekend, until the neuro apt... until.. until.

No idea if any of that will even work in the real world. Which is a very exhausting one when it comes to chronic pain. But I do know none of it will help with those brutal status migraines. The techniques I used to deal with the depression aspect sometimes worked, sometimes I just rolled with it and sometimes got consumed by it.

What I do know aside from my anxiety about my mental health if I return... what I do know is I will lose time again. Time gets sucked away by all this pain such that you lose your sense of time flow, memories of events and it all gets hazy. And I'll lose my sense of self as it will be consumed by the pain struggle... the daily battle to win that day and get to work, there is no room for anything else, no other part of me can flourish there. So for all the gains in the equation the losses are greater.

It is a frustrating lack of choice in the matter. I can't not work. I can't go on CPP, assuming I got approved in two years and got my 850-900 per month. I have student loans that are 275 per month. What about the mortgage? The line of credit? The truck loan? Car insurance? Gas? The actual bills? Food? My drop in income on long term leave to 60%, from two decent incomes, to a 40% in one... was damn hard to get our budget in line and it still sucks. That though is a double CPP. If someone with a disability was disabled on CPP where I live they could get an apartment... and there goes the 900 buck, so much for bills and food. I don't know how governments consider that to be reasonable, but they do. Although in Alberta they half a partial disability program for low income families and that one is 1400 per month and allows you to earn a little over, so you could have a part time job as well before they begin deducting. I don't know if I would qualify or not. I would have to fill out the forms and have a doctor willing to put me on it. But if I got on that, then at least it is permanent, and I don't need to worry about the insurance company reviewing my file every one to two years and having to go through this again and again. And I could default on my student loans, ruin my credit, and help with my budget right there. I loath to think that, but it is the one bill that would give me space and has no extreme consequences. Other than destroying my credit, which I might need if I want to refinance my house... or sell it to move to a smaller place. But you can't work and apply for it so I really had wanted my leave to continue while I considered my options. Either talked to the neuro and pain clinic about work or about AISH. With no time, no options.

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