Wednesday, January 8, 2014

#colonoscopy fun

I was told that the preparation for a colonoscopy was worse than the colonoscopy itself and that was very true. I was a little anxious about it you see. More so because, well, it is an area I generally don't want anyone staring at let alone violating with a camera. Just saying. Doesn't sound pleasant does it? But people said to me you're not conscious for it. And that makes it better? That they are staring at my butt while I'm out and violating me with a camera? lol. Sorry. Just sounds like I should be vastly offended. Like I should wake up and slap the doctor or something. However, I thought, well, I will just get it done. It should have been done years ago I guess to rule out other digestive conditions and that makes sense. I knew that but never suggested it myself... because come on, who would?

But I am here to say, yes, the preparation is far worse than the colonoscopy itself.

For Two days you get to eat Jello and broth. That is it, my friends, that is it. I now loath Jello. I wasn't fond of it to begin with really and now it is completely ruined for me. Because on day one I started my Jello and broth meals and apparently this is the worst diet ever for someone like me. It might not be for someone with IBS who has constipation. I don't know. But it is for someone like me who has IBS with more one the frequent side of things. Because that was what happened. Liquid diet. Liquid everything. And you get to drink fluids. Water, clear juices, tea and coffee. I think the coffee didn't help to be honest. But I obviously needed the water to just keep hydrated. That just made me feel ill right from the beginning and ruined my appetite from the beginning.

So that sucked. No one wants to keep eating something that intentionally makes them flare the IBS like that. But to make matters worse. And it gets worse. At the end of day one you have to take Three stool softening pills. I obviously didn't think this was necessary at this point in my case, but that is what it said, so that is what I did. And you know I didn't think liquid could be More liquid but it actually can. This whole process triggered a migraine. Obviously it did. I took a triptan. Couldn't take a T3 as that might have constipated me a little and that would have just caused pain during this process. The triptan slightly dimmed this migraine.

I woke up early on day two. If you can guess the reason you get a cookie. A cookie I couldn't have. I had more jello and broth that of course didn't agree with me at all. I also woke up with excruciating pain. I had a migraine of epic levels. I tried another triptan. It did nothing. This migraine didn't go away. It just kept on going and going. I'm talking a 9 all day long.

At 4pm on day two you get to chug a laxative drink. 2 liters of it in fact. As you can imagine I was already going to the bathroom frequently. To the point I was actually getting woozy. Those dizzy spells that suggest no amount of water is keeping up with that. And just not enough damn food. Or not getting any of the food. Anyway the laxative caused me to go to the bathroom more than I ever have in my life. But I think it had some sort of electrolyte concoction in it as well because the wooziness went away. You still feel cruddy beyond words obviously. Then a couple hours after that you eat again. Then you chug 2 more liters of that laxative. Except I didn't eat again. I just couldn't. The migraine was too intense to even desire it at that point. So I drank more fluids. And except I couldn't finish the last 2 liters of that laxative because the nausea hit me, and well, that didn't work at the end. But still, mission accomplished. By that I mean the laxative going in is coming out pretty much the same way and color. So complete detox there. You could whistle through my intestines... well make some sort of noise anyway.

The next day I woke up even earlier with a migraine at the 10 level. Movement of any sort was agony. So... no anxiety at all about the colonoscopy. I simply gathered the willpower to Move, get there and get the damn thing over with to be honest. It was extremely unpleasant to get there and just wait. That sort of migraine it is extremely unpleasant to exist in light and movement.

And you know they couldn't even leave it at the laxative stuff. They add in this fleet enema before the procedure which is just rude to be honest. Like you don't have enough unpleasantness to go through, eh? Entirely uncalled for really.

But the colonoscopy itself? They wheel you into this room that looks like you will be violated by aliens... with the big lights overhead and everything. They shoot you up with a pre dose of anesthesia that makes you a wee bit woozy and burns a fire through your hand. As he was putting me under my migraine pain actually diminished substantially. I was like whoa this is good stuff. Then the doc positions you and you think this is cozy, just like how I sleep. Until he flips up your gown and you're like 'whoa buddy' but honestly it is do 'medical' it didn't faze me. Then they shoot you up with the second dose and i was out like a light and remember nothing. I actually was dreaming. I thought I was asleep. Next thing I know I sense a presence beside my bed and bing I am awake. I mentioned the fact I was dreaming and she said some people do. Must have while I was waking up I suppose. I wonder if I woke up as fast as I felt I did of if I was yammering away like an idiot for fifteen minutes about all the dreams I had. That would have been worth video taping. For a few minutes just after I woke up the migraine was barely there. I thought maybe being knocked out had kicked it... but then it just roared back to life like a damn fire. Weird, right? And really sucked but at least  I could finally go home to my nice dark house and treat it. Eat, drink, take medication and sleep. But obviously not eating for two days created quite the beast of a migraine that will not be tempered quickly. I certainly would not recommend a starvation diet. Ever.

He said that everything looked good. So that is good. There was a a small polyp they removed and they took samples from the lining to see if there was any inflammation but other than that all was good.

So there you go. Too much information? Maybe. But if you are getting a colonoscopy just letting you know it is nothing to be worried about at all. You will remember nothing. But the two days prior? Oh, yeah, that is some funness you will remember.

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