#MHAM #MHAMBC Day 19 the poem IF

Day 19 of migraine awareness month:  “If” by Rudyard Kipling

A good poem about balancing your virtues. A few stanzas speak to me. 
If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 
 There would be a great balance in this coping game if I could keep my head when all those around me are losing theirs and blaming it on me, because I have found that can be what happens with stigma in the workplace. You get blamed for things you cannot control, that are not your fault and that do not have the effects they claim they have. People can understand your illness and disability but others can blame you for it, and claim No one understands it. Claim it is your fault even. Until you don't trust yourself. Until you do doubt yourself. Because you then feel insanely guilty for being ill, and that is a form of doubting... to feel guilty about something that you have no power to control. And then to make excuses for yourself about trying to be better, when you should not have to. I would like to say people and their stigma did not impact me like that, but it did. There is this slow erosion to my stability and sense of self and self-worth. You are buried in lies but never deal in lies. People judge you, but you do not judge.You feel that you understand their position completely because you are undependable. You can't get to work every day. You do have problems working when there. Who would want an employee like that? Yet you can't change it. You can't demand of yourself any better. In my case I even suggested work compromises but they were shut down.

And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
Oh yes I can relate to this. I think we all know about loss. About pain and about suffering. About being broken from it such that there is no where left to go. And yet we hold on because all there is left is to hold on. I call that survival mode and, damn, not a great place to live in. But we hold on until there is something else to continue from. Just the will to hold on. There have been times where I didn't have even that. But, eventually, I got it back. Start back at the beginning. Get back up. Fight for my right to live.

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Day #1 post “What would you do if your dream of a totally pain- and symptom-free life, came true?”
Day #2 post "Bed of Clouds poem to ponder"
Day #3 post "Recurrent dreams"
Day #4 post  "Still I Rise"
Day #5 post "Monsters"
Day #6 post "Ways to raise awareness."
Day #7 post "What I do for Awareness"
Day #8 post "Do not forget to live"
Day #9 post "What fear can teach us."
Day #10 post  "Twilight is the best light."
Day #11 post "dream a little dream"
Day #12 post "Who moved my cheese"
Day #13 post "Faces of Migraine"
Day 14 post "Mulan"
Day #15 post "only human"
Day #16 post "perspective is everything."
Day #17 post "imagine a treatment"
Day #18 post "I dreamed a dream video"

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