#MHAM #MHAMBC Day18 I dreamed a dream

Day 18: I Dreamed A Dream” Susan Boyle with commentary video

I love this song. It is powerful and a powerful part in the movie as well. 

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

Sometimes it can seems like the life we used to have is a figment of our imaginations or a dream. We cannot imagine a time without pain. Reminds me of this Emily Dickinson poem:

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

We lose the capacity to recall a time without pain. It seems surreal. Unreal. We dreamed a dream of it. When we could do all the things we can no longer do. When we were young an unafraid. When made dreams because we thought anything was possible. With no price to be paid. 
In reality things turn out differently than we believe. We could not fathom the pain we exist in now. The hell of this existence would have been beyond comprehension. Even for someone like me who had chronic pain when I was young, this chronic migraine deal is not ever something I could have anticipated. 

I am not going to say daily chronic pain like chronic migraines isn't a dream killer, because it really is. It is life changing. It is one of the most difficult things we have to accept. That we have to make changes and compromises for our health. That the life we had just is not going to going to be the same again. And maybe things will not get better. However, we can make compromises and changes. We can learn to live in moderation and within limits that will make our lives easier to bear. We can learn what it takes to do things within our capacity. What sort of planning it takes to treat migraines when the occur while we are doing activities. What sort of things to avoid. We can have new dreams. Sometimes those dreams take time to complete but they are possible. 

It is just a struggle to reconcile who we are now with who we used to be, or who we believe we could have become without the pain. A constant comparison that often haunts us. And I know I often think about those first difficult compromises I had to make. Necessary although they were. I still wonder, maybe, if I had had better treatment they might not have been. I still have troubles with not working which is my most recent change. However, I know that there are aspects of my life for which i am extremely grateful for. A family that understands and loves me. A boyfriend who has been with me for 16 years or so now who clearly has been around through it all. Important things.

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Day #1 post “What would you do if your dream of a totally pain- and symptom-free life, came true?”
Day #2 post "Bed of Clouds poem to ponder"
Day #3 post "Recurrent dreams"
Day #4 post  "Still I Rise"
Day #5 post "Monsters"
Day #6 post "Ways to raise awareness."
Day #7 post "What I do for Awareness"
Day #8 post "Do not forget to live"
Day #9 post "What fear can teach us."
Day #10 post  "Twilight is the best light."
Day #11 post "dream a little dream"
Day #12 post "Who moved my cheese"
Day #13 post "Faces of Migraine"
Day 14 post "Mulan"
Day #15 post "only human"
Day #16 post "perspective is everything."
Day #17 post "imagine a treatment"

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