Poem: Surface


There you see,
the smiling me
A facade I created,
A game I concocted,
Just for you.
All of you.

Beneath the surface,
behind that face,
Is a silent scream,
And shattered dreams.
Just for me.
All for me.

I wrote this up for the migraineur misfits Facebook page I help admin for after I had looked through some old blog posts. I set it to an image I took at the Athabasca falls in Jasper National Park... the image has that fantastic reflection of the rocks into the water there. Just like we have this mask we were and underneath that mask we can mask all this pain and suffering.

Now, functionally, it is important that we have a facade to be able to function in society. With chronic pain we know this. We develop this. We all learn and figure out a way that works for us. So there is this duality. What we Show and the Reality. And the fact of the matter is people and society in general do not want to see or know about the reality all the time. There is a reason we do not want to be seen as chronic complainers or hypochondriacs... because people Can be seen as such. So we have to parcel out what they know of us. In pieces, so they never really know the true reality, but they may get a fraction of it.

The time I was reflecting on was a particularly difficult time. I had come off a leave of absence and it had occurred to me it really did not matter what I did, I had no vote in the situation when it came to my working or not working. If I was to work, then that was the way it was. If I was to suffer, then I had to do it quietly. If I did it quietly, then people assumed I was 'doing better' if not in fact 'cured'. It was the most idiotic situation ever. You do what they want, because you literally have no choice in the matter. And to do otherwise causes horrific stress and worsening work conditions that just makes your life a living hell, so better to suffer more and quietly, only to have people then assume you are 'much better'. This is when the facade works against a person. When your pain is actually so high it is hard to even maintain that facade, but you do, because you must. People still can't see through it, because they don't want to. In this case, the facade only serves them, not you.

I am glad to be out of that situation for sure. Just reflecting back on it is painful for me to be honest.

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