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The silent scream

This image reminded me of those times in my life when I was trying to function with acute pain.

There is just something about working with acute pain, and being able to mask it, while thinking how the hell can people not See This? How can they not see in my eyes how much pain I am in? How much effort it takes to just exist let along think through all this pain noise?

You feel like it is one long silent scream that no one ever hears. It is there. Just never heard. Always beneath the surface. Never coming out.

And it is a horrible feeling.

When it got really bad, unbearably bad my facade would get this small cracks in it. Some people would notice but not all. One thing that happened is that I would laugh at some joke I made and it would be a good solid laugh... and inside despair would well up suddenly and tears would suddenly be There, and I would have to choke them back. You see all this emotion from the pain was just right there. Because I just could not handle the pain. I could not even pretend to so trying to inevitably failed me. That is the 9 pain. 10, well, I would not even get to work... threats and ultimatums or not it was just not physically possible. But threats would get me there with a 9, even though I could not function at that level and ever single motion was agony.

Just a silent scream.

What we need is people to listen to the words that come out of our mouths. To actually get effective pain management treatment. It took well over a decade for me to be sent to a pain clinic and into the programs I am going to now. For people to listen to what I am saying and try different approaches. I am glad for it. Just wish they had listened when I was screaming.
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