Today in my chronic pain class at the pain clinic we were talking about sleep which was extremely ironic since I had not slept at all the night before. However, I'll save that for another day because while it was interesting from a pain perspective it is old news for a chronic insomniac like me. What I would like to infinitely dwell on today is a little something we got side tracked on...
I cannot get used to, or truly accept, this is all I will be. That this is the end to all my ambitions. And it is. At best I will get a part time job that will not be in the least bit intellectually stimulating and have no prospects for career advancement simply to make money and nothing more.
I want more. I do not want this to be all there Is.
I feel like there could be More. But my body disagrees. And because I cannot accept this I am always... Always in a state of disillusionment with life. It feels stagnant to me, I told them. Like there is Nothing that is stimulating me.
They said since I like to read I should join a book club in order to socialize. But I said this is not about socializing. I read. I read massive amounts of books. And I socialize a tiny little bit in small doses when I can handle it. What I mean is that I need more than that. I need my brain to feel like it is energized. It is engaged. It is interested.
It is why I blog. It is why I write articles. It is why I made my Facebook Page to track down research and share. Researching is always fun to me. And it is why I do the same with the Migraineur Misfits Page I admin on. And doing content creation for both. I am just trying to find thing I can Get Into. To absorb me. Unfortunately none of them make money. Sadly. But they do engage me.
It is also why i write fantasy fiction. Because other than finding things to intellectually engage me I need to be creatively expressing myself.
I do all of this because of this feeling that I cannot have more. That I will never have more and I have to fill the void.
Until I accept this... I will never be happy. I know that. However, I think part of accepting that is finding the things we Love and doing them. If we love them, do them. If they don't make you money, who cares. This is about what makes you feel fulfilled.
Maybe this is it for me. But I will continue writing... keep my brain active, researching as well. And I will continue writing books keeping my creativity going. And these will be the things that fulfill me.
My jobs will be my jobs. Things that are easier on me because they have to be. Because it is all I can handle it part time and easy.
one of my classmates even suggested free online classes. Which I might check out. To keep learning and growing is important to me.
That feeling I am stagnant. My brain is just melting and has nothing to engage it has to go. I have filled the void with many things. And they mean a lot to me.