Had a bad day today pain wise from the moment I got up to now. It has made me pretty moody all day today. Could not really lift my spirits so I read a lot instead. Just trying to distract my brain.
It worries me though this melancholy mood. Likely part of the migraine prodrome or from the pain level, so common enough to get. It is just that it is familiar to me. It is familiar to feel a mood like this from working. From dealing with the increased pain and the fatigue I would get bouts of depression.
Today I was thinking the goal of chronic pain seems to be just to make existence bearable. That is our main goal. One we do not always succeed at. Just bearable. Not great. Not awesome. Bearable. And it occurred to me I don't even understand how people enjoy life. I just try to manage the pain. That is what I do every day. I do not take enjoyment from my day. It is just something to get though with the least amount of pain as possible. I don't even have the concept of what it feels like to be pain free and apparently how people enjoy that existence. It is vastly different than mine.
Of course, I am thinking all that because of my current mood. Which is just not in a good place at the moment. But the affect on my mood is worrisome to me. It is something that was common when I was working. Something I was concerned about and for good reason. I find it to be a bad sign.