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tired of the pain today


I've had a couple a really bad, exhausting pain days. Reminds me how difficult it is to work through to be honest. Not that I needed the reminder. I just hope it is not something that will be the status quo and just a bad stretch.

I find it extremely difficult to do my physio and exercise while working. I always have. There is just so much pain tolerance. Just so much energy. The fatigue really gets to me by the end of the day. By then the migraine is also in full swing. When I was not working I exercised Prior to the migraine starting.

The meditation helps though. Partly it just helps relax me and that I need. But also it seems to loosen the pain up a bit.

Still when I think of all the years before retirement... I am so very tired of it all. That is a hell of a lot of pain. What a raw deal people with chronic pain get, eh? I get all the things we have to do to help cope with it. I get that it will never go away. Yada, yada, yada. But... it sucks balls that this is the case really. And that some of us also have to work like this. Or have other obligations like being a parent. I mean, we can do it. Not saying we can't. I got my Masters with chronic pain. It was damn difficult but I did it. It is just that. Everything is so much more difficult. More exhausting. Harder to focus on. Harder to enjoy. Forever.

I sometimes think what it feels like not to have pain. And I think it must feel like an absence of sensation. Like a lack of awareness of your body constantly. But you know, today I just think it must feel lighter. Easier to focus. Have clarity of thought. And maybe feel like a good tired from exertion but not this endless drained fatigue feeling. I don't think normal people enjoy things more... but they Should. Because all those small moments of the day worth enjoying can be felt without the constant pressure of pain to distract away from them. But we all feel stress, so we miss them. I try to focus on small good things just to lighten my mood because pain can depress me.

Anyway, it has been a long three days. I am just very tired from the constant migraines. Not to mention the FM pain in there too. I aim to sleep 9 hours tonight to kick this migraine.
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