Skip to main content

To be alive

I wish I could wake up like that. But instead I wake up think how very tired I am because I got so little sleep. And I think about the pain I am in, knowing over the course of the work day that pain will just get worse and worse. I have That to look forward to all day long. That is what I know when I wake up.

What a privilege it is to be alive. What a shame no one seems to care about our suffering. Maybe that is a privilege as well, that pain and suffering gets managed and treated?

To breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love... to feel pain and that pain with interfere with your thinking, your enjoyment and your love. It will be there every minute of your life, complicating every thought and action.

I cannot and will not be grateful for just being alive. Because This is not a life. This is an existence. This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Perhaps I have wished the experience on a few doctors for a year so they could get some experiential knowledge to help others a bit better than they do.

I suppose I find other things to be grateful for in this life. But I will tell you in the morning I just wish for more rest and less pain. Sleep is precious to me, because I do not get it. Lower pain is precious to me, because it is when I am more functional and it is rarer. Pain? well it reminds me more than the morning that I am very, very, very alive. If I needed the reminder I have it.
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Signs the pain is getting the best of you

100 Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

There was a site that had this and I had linked to it on Tumblr but it is gone. So I had to hunt down someone who found my post and posted the whole thing in a forum. Anyway it is around but I'm posting it here so I will not have to hunt it down to reference it. Now we all know the major symptoms are the wide-spread pain, but our pain isn't just muscle pain... it can be nerve types of pain as well, and the fatigue and the insomnia. And even among symptoms there are some far more frequent than others, but it should be said we have categories... like the cognitive dysfunction, which is a broad one that has more than one symptom and we often just say fibrofog. The insomnia... more than one sleeping disorder. So the list is interesting.

__ Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
__ Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
__ Recurrent flu-like illness
__ Sore throat
__ Hoarseness
__ Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especiall…

When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say 'not bad', because I feel it is slightly more honest than 'good' or 'fine'. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons. 

I'm having a good pain day: They happen and I'll say that I'm good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things... in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it. I just don't want to explain: I just don't want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is a FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM…