To be alive

I wish I could wake up like that. But instead I wake up think how very tired I am because I got so little sleep. And I think about the pain I am in, knowing over the course of the work day that pain will just get worse and worse. I have That to look forward to all day long. That is what I know when I wake up.

What a privilege it is to be alive. What a shame no one seems to care about our suffering. Maybe that is a privilege as well, that pain and suffering gets managed and treated?

To breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love... to feel pain and that pain with interfere with your thinking, your enjoyment and your love. It will be there every minute of your life, complicating every thought and action.

I cannot and will not be grateful for just being alive. Because This is not a life. This is an existence. This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Perhaps I have wished the experience on a few doctors for a year so they could get some experiential knowledge to help others a bit better than they do.

I suppose I find other things to be grateful for in this life. But I will tell you in the morning I just wish for more rest and less pain. Sleep is precious to me, because I do not get it. Lower pain is precious to me, because it is when I am more functional and it is rarer. Pain? well it reminds me more than the morning that I am very, very, very alive. If I needed the reminder I have it.
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